The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My adult daughter is in recovery although I really have no idea if she has had any relapses. She suffers from depression and anxiety and has difficulty coping with even the smallest amount of stress. Even with medication she has struggled. I have really had to use detachment with love because for years I was riding the crazy train with her moods, setbacks and never ending angst. 3 years ago she met a wonderful man and he seemed to balance her out. They married, bought a house and adopted a puppy she had wanted for so long to do. I thought she would be content. Thought. I listen to her worries and gently offer suggestions but then back off, because as like dealing with active A, there isn't anything we can do. I recently had to unfollow her on Facebook because I can't stand all the negativity that she posts almost constantly. I found it was making me anxious and I just can't get crazy again about it all.
When I attend my meetings, read these posts and my literature, a lot of it is to help me deal with her, in addition to my active AH. It hurts more with your children, I believe. Maternally, I want to rush in, but I know better now. I
I deal with my daughter and her anxiety it is scary to watch someone who is so paralyzed by fear or whatever the anxiety is manifesting itself as, I didn't even realize I had anxiety until my last therapy sessions a couple of years ago. I guess I felt the anxiety and just did it anyway, because I didn't know. My daughter is not wired like that so
It is really hard for me as a parent to watch my kid/s suffer because of my past choices. If I had an actual regret about my situation that would be it. I give them a little lee way and tell them .. ok you have until you are 25 to blame me or your dad for whatever .. after that you are on your own in terms of you have to figure out how to recover from your childhood and make choices without blaming said childhood. Every once in a while my daughter and I will be talking about past events and she has that light bulb moment of Mom .. you have felt just like ME!? I laugh and say of course honey, I wasn't born in 30 year old body just to have you immediately .. I had to be a kid first. It doesn't mean I have it all figured out either. We just cope the best way we can.
We really try and focus on the positive of all of the situations. So when the kids are grumbling about this or that .. my first thought is hey .. 5 things to be grateful for and since they know it's coming .. I get the eyeball roll .. it helps. It's that necessary brain shift. It is really hard to detach and let go and hope whatever wings they have got their HP is lifting them higher.
Some people truly don't know how to be happy .. I have watched that with my mother. My discovery was because she can't be I'm not suppose to be either.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can relate. Learning about the disease helps me have the compassion and empathy. Its a thinking disease so thinking is distorted and disturbed. The first thought in any situation is a negative one and unless the spiritual recovery is done the whole mind and body work then it doesn't matter about the external. So the house, the husband the puppy isn't going to fill the hole inside her. That takes the conscious effort, the honesty with yourself and most folk dont want to look at the real them because it can be painful.
To look at life in negative is awful. I did for years and its the disease. To not see the joy life has to offer is not living. To look at any given situation and take it as an opportunity to wallow in self pity and feel the whole why me, poor me is not easy to watch but unless the inside work is done the real hard looking and identifying of the shortcomings and seeing them as at fault and that actually no situation can make you feel sad or bad. Its all our own attitudes. Unless this awareness and acceptance comes then the action to begin removing these and discarding them cant come. How do we give this to our children? Its a big question, is it possible? I think the best thing to do is not enable. So you not reading her self indulgent negativity on facebook is good , your not enabling. With my children I like to not offer sympathy because it reinforces their own negativity. I try to offer understanding so I might say I understand how you feel or let them vent from time to time, everyone needs that but I wont listen to constant self pity, its not good for them or you.
Its awful when your child is a drinker, your not alone.
I agree that it's so much harder to detach from your children. Especially when there is mental health issues. It took me forever and a day to truly accept that my concern for their future, health, etc. being greater than their own was unhealthy for me. It took even longer at times to determine my best next steps for each situation that came forward.
I actually saw both my boys this week and both were 'ok'....both have grown to the point of respecting most of my boundaries and I have gratitude for that. Both are struggling financially as a result of previous choices/actions, and did NOT ask for $$ or help. I refrained from offering, but it was a conscious effort. Even when things go reasonably well, I find it exhausting to be around them, and often feel sadness as a part of me thinks loving them should not be so tiring!
In this stage of my program, I am often able to now look back without regret, sadness, grief, etc. I can do this and see that they have made progress and so have I. I do not envision any fairy-tale ending but can see that where we all are today is a much, much better place than where we were before. This program has helped me focus on what is working well - even if it's snippets of progress - instead of what is not working well. The latter was how I lived, though and it was a miserable place to be.
I am truly sorry for your pain. I too will send you some positive thoughts and prayers. Know that we are here for you and you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I do not have the heart of a woman as it has been demonstrated during my whole life and while I have the ability to be compassionate and empathetic there lingers within me the character of detachment I was born with. I am affected at times with what I am touched with that happens to others and still for me the affect is shallow and fleeting. Even at the death of my father when I was 6 years old and the rest of the family falling apart around me my attitude was one of "so what...we knew he was dying and dying right here in the house...what is the issue"? Some many call that cold and my response would still be "'so what". When I got into the program the understanding of "We are powerless"...gave me reprieve from judging my character as something less than or needy...I moved on.
The tool of detachment has help me get "unstuck" from many events and issues would other wise held me and even hurt me over long periods of time. I am grateful so much that whenever the subject arises in or out of our meetings I go to listen and learn. (((hugs)))
