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My AH has been sober for now a year and I still find it hard to trust that he hasn't taken a drink sometime this past year. I have been praying a lot this week and trying to refocus my attention on myself but I have also had a lot of anxiety. I am going on a trip in a few weeks to the West Coast for three nights and will be leaving my AH with my 4 and 6 year old. This has brought on feelings of mistrust and anxiety as I still worry that he will fall off the wagon and start drinking the moment I get on the plane. Going to a meeting today which will help but how have you dealt with feelings of mistrust? I just need to pray to my HP to forgive but I still can't forget how bad it was last year when he was actively drinking. I feel like I am still dealing with PTSD from last year when I truly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
(((Jazzie)) You are not alone nor are you unreasonable . Being able to trust after experiencing the pain of this disease takes time.
Do you have a mutual friend or family member that can stop in while you are away to check up and help to relieve your concerns?
Let Go and Let God and the serenity prayer help me when i am confronted with trust issues.
Talking this out with him is also good Jazzie leaving the "you" statements out of the conversation and speaking to "I am feeling" and "I'm being distrustful, do we need to get additional support for our kids"? You didn't say if he was sober in AA and if he uses a sponsor as suggested. Yes the past comes with many trials and fears which you and he have to deal with. Maybe family would understand and be supportive. You are building a trust experience and I hope for all that it works out well...Turning it over to your HP of course. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for the advice Jerry and Hotrod. He has been sober for a year (a year yesterday in fact). I went to a meeting yesterday and feel much better after I shared my concerns. I can see my crazy behavior in this as I was back to searching the house for bottles even though he has not given me any indication that he has relapsed. I understand that this is my anxiety that is fueling this and am praying daily that my HP will help me. This site also helps. Thanks for responding.
I can so relate to your angst, especially when there are young children involved. I feel that way with my AH, especially as he has had relapses. What I did was I had friends be available, for my peace of mind. I told him I was going to do this, and he was not happy but understood that it was what I needed for security. Even though he has been sober for a year, the "trauma" of what has happened, especially with young children, is hard for you to erase. It doesn't have to be in an unloving manner, but just a part of the reality of what has happened. If this is the first time you have left, it is understandable. I made sure I had those friends as a backup plan for coming to get the kids. I needed to know that I had a plan in place for my peace of mind. It is not due to lack of trust. It is due to a need to have those plans in place for me to feel secure leaving my children with someone who has a history of alcoholism.
Thanks Ryan for the suggestion. My parents luckily are about 40 minutes away and our babysitter also know what we have been through so I feel I definitely have people to take the kids in case of an emergency. I guess my real issue is that I still have a huge lack of trust when it comes to my husband.
I got renewed opportunity to look at your post and remember what it was like for me before and after Al-Anon. Before Al-Anon trust issues were insane I would think something, say something and do something each of those being different from the others and then changing from time to time...minutes, hours, days etc. I learn that was normal for a victim of this disease and had to get it and the get the program. I also learned that if and when I caught my alcoholic/addict at still using and drinking that would prove to me that I was right and also I had the justifications to continue to try to control her. That was vary hard on her as a sick person and also myself. Later I realized that she had lost trust in me also and replaced it with fear and resentment also.
With the help of the program I came to the realization that I could use a "qualified" trust which allowed me to respect and honor the healthy behaviors, thoughts and feelings.
Our program works when we work it and I continue to do that as best I can. ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back
(((Jazzie))) - my insanity caused by this disease held me hostage to my home for a long, long, long while. I missed fun things, family things and much more as I truly thought all things resolved around 'me keeping everything functional, and it was dangerous and irresponsible to not be there.....I did not know how to ask for help from others without telling the whole sorted story and I had too much shame to do that. I was also fearful of asking for help/support from others, so I truly never did what I wanted/needed to - I lived whatefor those in my family.
In the program, I've come to believe that HP doesn't have grand-children and he does see the bigger picture. I had to first trust myself and him that all is OK and will be OK. All broken bones and stitches have happened on their father's watch. However, as I look back, with honesty and clarity, none were a result of his disease or carelessness. They were accidents that could have happened on my watch just the same.
So - my first few trips away were painful for me....not for them. I fretted and worried and then when things happened, and things were resolved as necessary, I learned that I am not the center of the universe and others will step in and up as needed to care for others.
Take a leap of faith and make sure you have whatever support and help that might be needed lined up. So glad you got some peace and clarity at your meeting - aren't they wonderful?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
