The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Higher Power has handed me another learning opportunity, another chance to know this disease in more detail. A chance to develop more of the good things like compassion, love, kindness, understanding. Theres another side of that. I know this disease is destructive to all it comes into contact with. How far do I allow the disease to impact on my serenity? Is my serenity dependent on external factors or is it inside me regardless of what this disease presents? Is physical separation from an alcoholic the only way to get serenity? the program seems to say that detaching with love doesn't necessarily require a physical separation form anyone, its more about whats going on in our own heads and our attitudes and responses to the disease and it is possilbe to get on with our own lifes while this disease is raging in someone we love.
If step 3 tells us to give our lives over to God then surely removing an alcoholic from our homes and our lives to a certain extent is going against Gods will, or is it? I have a problem with removing people from my home and my life. It goes against the program or so it seems to me right now. I mean, the 12 steps provide us with everything we need to live and be with an alcoholic. I mean I can see the drinker for a sick human being and it means I have little desire to talk to him and get him to stop, Im powerless and I understand that hes on his own journey and these are his choices and his life lessons so I have no right to interfere. I wouldn't go tell a cancer patient to stop having cancer because its upsetting me and my life.
I dont know if this even makes sense, Im still waiting for more awareness. Thanks for reading.x
HI LC this is indeed a confusing disease . In practicing the program and working the Steps, I have found that if I let Go and Let God, detach and pray often times the message I hear from the still small voice within is to "take care of myself . "
I had a similar confusion in my marriage. My head kept saying "marriage is for better or worse" and the pain kept getting worse, so much so that I was afraid that I would kill him. I told myself you can stay because you have a child and you would not hurt him by killing dad. --
Then One day the small insistent voice within spoke clearly:" if you do not leave you will kill him and then where will your son be?" I left that day and hubby entered rehab shortly after and remained in AA until he passed. I was reminded of the saying "Do the thing you fear the most"
I do believe that HP has a plan and that listening for guidance and then acting with courage is within alanon detachment with love suggestions. Learn the lessons and move on and remember that we can love people and still not be able to live with them. Take care of yourself and trust HP.
I must add that with my son I was able to detach with love and still iive with him until he passed. Thank you HP
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 8th of June 2016 05:52:38 PM
I agree this disease can be confusing and baffling. I believe that we each bring a different set of experiences and baggage to the table. As such, my threshold for drama/chaos/pain may be different than another persons. To me, this is why we don't offer advice as what works in my program may seem crazy or extreme in another's life and vice versa.
Relationships are difficult to begin with. Some are easy, some are not. What I've come to 'hear' from my HP is that it is through those more challenging dynamics that I learn the most. For me, there is a part of me that wonders if my life would have been easier had I left a while back/long time ago. No matter what I think, it's not reality - all I have is today. Any time I have considered throwing in the towel, I have used this program to process and have ended up growing and not leaving. I have had some serious nudges to not go over the years and have never (yet) had a serious nudge to go, as Betty describes.
When I am sad or doubtful of my place in this world, I often find myself not living in the present. I am either reflecting on the past and what could have been or I'm projecting towards the future with my perception of what it might be. When I can stay in the moment, in my own place/time, I truly do find blessings, and can accept my qualifiers as they are.
I am sorry that you're where you are. Processing in the middle of active disease/chaos/drama is challenging for me. If I did not have my sponsor for those difficult moments, I would be crazier than I am. I am sending you positive thoughts!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds like you r questioning. It sounds like you are stepping back to look at the whole picture. You are taking your time to gain awareness, this is a good thing. If it doesn't feel right to put a loved one out of your home, then follow your gut. He has been recently hurt and is now confused and the alcohol is not giving him a chance to look at what happened and learn from it. When the time is right for YOU, ask yourself; although all my actions are in love which part of them may be enabling. Linsc
My understanding is that the right course of action is different for different people. For some it will be "Stay," for some it will be "Separate." Some people are able to stay with an alcoholic and retain their sanity and peace of mind; some are not. Some alcoholics are more livable-with than others. Some alcoholics are violent and dangerous, and should be left immediately for one's own safety. Some alcoholics are so chaotic than no one could stay with them and keep their serenity. Some alcoholics are more moderately dysfunctional and loving detachment is more achievable. The answers are not cut-and-dried, in my experience. If that were so, Al-Anon could just issue a set of instructions and we'd all follow them and solve our problems right away. Instead we have to learn the tools ourselves and cultivate a real awareness of our own personal situation. Then we're able to make wise decisions. That's my experience.
I find myself wrestling with this one so much, and each time I have come to this crossroads (this time with someone I believe as having an undiagnosed mental condition, not an alcoholic, but much of his treatment of me echoes people's struggles here), I get closer to feeling like I know for sure that my HP does NOT intend for me to be miserable. And yet still I beg HP for actual, physical nudges to remove me from this situation because I seem paralyzed to do it myself. Right now I'm at the point where I want to treat myself as HP would want me to be treated, and as I believe others should be treated. Why would I want anybody to stay in such a crappy situation all the time? Why would *I* be the exception? I'm not a martyr, a saint, or anybody else's HP. I'm getting a bit clearer-headed on it now. I don't believe HP wants any of us not to shine in our own unique way, or that we should extinguish our own light/joy for the sake of saving someone else's feelings.
These are the conclusions I have finally come to, and I say all this now but have I made the necessary changes? No! LOL. But at least now I am clearer in my head about it, and am more ready to hand all my partner's issues back to him to let him deal with. So maybe that's a good first step.
I hope you can reach some clarity on this at some point, El-Cee.
