The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am only starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic. I got some advice from a friend and a therapist, and both think my partner is an alcoholic. I've been denying it, but am starting to really think it's true. I've only been reading about Al Anon and codependency for a few days, but I want to check out an Al Anon meeting.
My greatest fear is that since I know I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic, I should break up with them. I love this woman and I want to marry her, but if she's bad for me, then logically, I should break up, yes?
I'm also extremely afraid to discuss alcohol with her. My father was an alcoholic and we've had numerous conversations and arguments about how I'm clingy and anxious about her drinking, and she feels smothered. And she's, "normally fine, just some times drinks too much". I'm afraid that if I broach this topic, it will be too painful for her and we will split.
In the same vein, I'm afraid that if I go to an Al-Anon meeting it will hurt her and sew distrust. I want to go, but I almost feel the need to lie about where I'm going. I don't think I've ever lied in our relationship, but I can't find the strength to tell her that I want to go to an Al Anon meeting.
First thing first Alanon is about you not the A. No one is going to tell you to stay or go, that is a very personal choice and it's not a one size fits all.
I did tell my X about alanon and he never understood anything about it. That was his choice I did NOT tell him about the fact that I had been attending Open AA meetings for almost a year before he found out I did those to help me understand the disease better .. and I made some wonderful friends.
So really it's up to you, my AA.Alanon friends refer to our meetings as having coffee with friends. It's true .. it's a little semantics however it's what works for us.
I don't advocate lying however if it's something that is just about me .. there is no need for me to share that even with my sig other there are things I do that my kids know they can reach me however honestly it's none of their business where I am at .. I'm not doing anything harmful, it's for me.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
hello Cricket Welcome That you are a child of an alcoholic is the only requirement you need to attend alanon meetinsg. Living with, growing up with the disease, we develop many negative coping tools that may work as a child but do not carryover into adult relationships. If she is already noticing some of these issues, it is a great reason to attend alanon face to face meetings. You need to learn new coping tools and develp the ability to love in a constructive manner
I agree with Serenity-- Please search out meetings and atttend--- You are worth it
Welcome cricket to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I agree with those above me - this disease (Alcoholism) is far-reaching and is considered a family disease. The only requirement for attending is that you are affected by the drinking of a family member or friend. You can share, or not. You can elaborate on who brought you 'there' or not. Al-Anon, for me, is a safe place to discuss how the disease has affected me without judgement and/or advice....we all want to live happy lives, and be at peace....that's the goal!!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I also would recommend Al Anon meetings. You likely have been affected by growing up with alcoholism, and no you are thinking of committing your life to an alcoholic. Nobody in Al Anon will say that you should or shouldn't do this, but you should get the facts, and get to a point where you can make a decision that you have thought through.
I hear a lot of fear in your post. I also am a fear-based person. I have found that fear is a great way to cloud my judgments, overcoming fear is one of my biggest aims in life. Going to meetings and reading on this board is one of the elements I have used to overcome my fear, I can recommend both highly.
Keep coming back.
Kenny
PS the meetings are for you as noted above. I see a lot of great suggestions in this thread.
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Wednesday 8th of June 2016 11:03:47 AM
Aloha Cricket and welcome to the board again. Your post takes me back to when I first arrived and didn't know anything about alcoholism including how to pronounce it or spell it and I didn't know yet I was born into it. Not knowing is one way the disease protects itself from change and for me it did that well. Fear is the number one emotion in my experience in those heavily affected. I made the program at the age of 37 and that was a miracle.
You cannot understand or find solutions in just one day; the problem did not arrive and grow over just one day...I had to learn from a zero starting line and the only decision I made was to stay in my chair and listen and learn and commit to attending for 90 days one day at a time and what I learned helped me to decide that I did come from within the disease and I knew nothing about it while it was killing my then wife and I together.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease and it not only kills the drinker. It can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. It is progressive always getting worse never better. Alcohol affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions; there is nothing it cannot affect. If not arrested by total abstinence the consequences very often are insanity and death.
There is more and we learn more one day at a time. Have a great first time. Keep coming back; this works when you work it. Prayers for your alcoholic.
