The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for going on 3 years. He has been involved in AA and has been working on his sobriety since this past October, he has had his struggles and would be 9 months sober but is currently at 3.5 months. We have lived together throughout this. He works long hours as a chef and it is his passion. There have been some turbulent times throughout all of this period but I feel like we are both getting our lives around and working toward our future. We have been involved with his daughter from a former relationship, have gotten a new car, have had experiences we usually wouldn't of bonded over before and have been happy. I have given him space to work through things. I have tried to demonstrate patience but feel like I havent reached out for help myself.
I have been apart from my boyfriend for the last 2 days. He has been staying at his parents home because he needed some space to think through his head. These last few weeks have been very difficult for both of us, I feel like our energies have been all over the place. We have been arguing and getting at each others throats. I was very upset when he said he needed to leave for a few days. I am lost, lonely and paranoid that he wants to stay and end our relationship. He has said that we need to talk about things when we are less emotional and cloudy.
I have told him that I wanted to work on our issues together. Change doesn't happen overnight and I feel like we need some time to work through things. I dont feel like I have made the biggest effort to work on my own issues. It is hard for me to think about not living together throughout this. I have felt that I have not been working on myself still as much as I should- I'm not sure where to start. I am extremely isolated. I do not have any close friends or anyone that I feel like I can talk to about this, or at all. It is very hard for me because I feel like my boyfriend has been my best friend. I have been going crazy trying to process my head and our relationship throughout him drinking and being sober.
I feel guilty because I go back and forth on whether he owes me to try and work it out and give it one last shot...That is how I feel. I love this man, his family, the family we have been creating together and how our lives have been progressing with him sober. I feel like I have worked so hard and have taken so much of his pain. I am ready to be happy and successful with him. I know him being sober has been his change. I have stood by him through everything. Now he is doing well in his career, self image, friendships. I have finally been feeling confident enough to think about my goals too- school, buying another car, taking a trip together.. I feel like things have finally been so positive. It is wrong for me to want more time to work on our issues? I feel like it is possible for me to work on my social anxiety with him by my side. I still want him to be apart of my life!
I just feel very upside down and lonely. I am not close with my family emotionally and physically. I spoken with him yesterday briefly, he said he had taken me for granted and was sorry, that he still felt lost in his head. I have been trying to not text him. I was going to wait to talk to him until tonight, but I dont know if I should. I want to resolve this, am I being too pushy? I have thought about calling his mom to see how he is dong. Mostly I just want to check in and maybe talk but I dont know if its appropriate. She has been aware of some issues and has told me to let her know is there is anything she can do to help. I feel like it might be nice talking to her. I'm not sure how open he has been with her about our struggles. I tried to go to a al anon meeting yesterday but the church stopped hosting them. I did run into my boyfriends sponsor. He told me he knew about some of the things going on. I couldn't even talk to him. Not sure if my feelings are rational or not, just having a hard time processing and at the same time dont want to think or process at all.
Aloha BAK and welcome to the MIP board where those of us who have been affected by someone elses drinking and using come to get help and give help to others in the came canoe. Without trying to get all the information from him find that Al-Anon Meeting(s) that you can attend and learn from others who know exactly where you are at. I identify with what you are going thru to a point. I know this disease and was born and raised in it both sides. I also have had two former marriages that were addiction centered plus other relationships. We do what we do know how to do even when we don't want to...that is addiction and compulsion.
Look in the white pages of your local telephone book under AL-Anon and call that number to see what times and locations they hold their groups and then get the directions so you can get there early. If you get to the meeting find out where they have their literature for the membership and look it over. We use lots of literature, "dailies" and more that we can come to understand.
Don't put additional pressure on him...staying sober is a full time job and carrying the weight of his disease needs every bit of strength that he can muster. You will also have to have those assets because this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling, cannot be cured and only arrested by total abstinence one day at a time.
Keep coming back here daily to the board and read the experiences, strengths and hopes which are offered. (((((hugs)))))
I too welcome you to MIP BAK - glad you found us and glad you shared your story. The best way to understand how you might be affected by the disease is to seek out and attend Al-Anon meetings. It is in the program that I found others with similar experiences who listened without judgement and were not concerned with offering advice but rather in helping me find my way by working the steps of this program and practicing the program principles.
My hope is your BF (boy friend) continues his recovery and you start yours. We have all had similar experiences and have found peace and hope through this program. Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
