The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I started going to Al-anon in 2010, and in 2011 I divorced my alcoholic husband. We lost our home with the divorce because of the recession. I also lost both my parents in 2008. Right after our divorce, my husband attempted suicide and went to the ER a couple of times, but they couldn't hold him because it involved alcohol. He was drunk 24/7 for the next couple of years, and had various girlfriends. My daughter found him on the floor of his apartment, naked, and nearly dead. He'd been unable to stand, and was crawling around the apartment, and finally couldn't move. He had pancreatitis and almost died. I ran to the hospital to see him, because I thought it would be the last time I ever saw him. He had to go through intense physical rehab as well as a 30-day stint in alcohol rehab.
His bottom was so low, I think he finally admitted he had a problem. I had been out of the picture for a while, and my poor daughter (also alcoholic, but doing really well) became the go-to person for him instead of me.
I have not wanted any kind of relationship, even though it's been 5 years. I still think about him all the time, even though I know it's not healthy. Apparently he has a new girlfriend who will enjoy his new-found sobriety. When he was with me, he wouldn't get out of his chair. We never did anything or go anywhere. Now he is high on life, and took a trip to Paris. He is going to Europe again soon with his new love.
I can't help but feel devastated. I don't want him back, but he fell in love with this woman in 2 days. We went to a concert together last week (we've been trying to be friends), and all he did was talk about how wonderful she is, and how in love he is with her. He said he hasn't felt this since he fell in love with me 40 years ago. He's like a giddy schoolgirl. She texted him throughout the concert, and it was one of the weirdest nights of my life. He said, 'you'd really like her'...he was talking to me like I was some old friend, not someone he'd been married to for 36 years!
I feel so left behind, and I know the rest of my family has been devastated too. I am angry that he blew in like a hurricane, and left the rest of us to pick up the pieces. He has not said he's sorry to anyone (he hasn't worked the steps), and it's as if he's forgotten the whole experience. It seems so selfish. He went through a lot, but so did the rest of us! He's as happy as can be, and I am still struggling. I try to move on, but I can't help it. I know I need to keep the focus on myself, but after seeing the damage he caused everyone, I just can't help the anger. Is there anyone who has had this experience with the alcoholic's new sobriety? It's almost like he's forgotten the last 30 years of his life.
-- Edited by joanlee on Sunday 5th of June 2016 02:22:49 PM
My esh is stay away from him, Some
People get along for their children sake
with good healthy boundaries in place.
I will never be friends with my ex maybe
one day if he archieved Emotional and
spiritual sobriety and has some Remorse
and concern then maybe we could be on
speaking terms.
I do not foresee that happening he would
Need to be honest and face himself and his
Demons. He does attend AA and has been
Dry for years.
My partner slipped 2 years ago after 2 years dry. I have lived with the drinking and when dry. An alcoholic is an alcoholic drinking or not. Even when dry the are selfish unless they do the steps have a sponsor and become emotionally sober. Recovery takes a lot of hard work. If they are really getting we they make amends and are sorry and try to help others get well who are struggling. They are so remorseful.
My partner has just gone back to recover a couple of weeks ago.
I have told him no contact he needs to do his work and I need time to focus on my recovery.
i I can not have contact till we are both on step 9 and ready to make amends.
you are still interacting with the disease he may be dry but if he doesn't do the work god help that new girlfriend. I suggest you do the steps in sl anon and learn to love and care for you, it's horrible when they get someone else but today I think good luck to them girls because I deserve better big hugs Tracy xxxx
Welcome Joanlee You are not alone. Please keep coming back and attending alanon face to face meetings These meetings and working the alanon 12 Steps helped me to come to turns with the insanity that I live with for so many years an gave me the tools to shed the anger, resentment self pity and fear that remained.
You deserve to be happy and alanon will show the way.
His current new drug is the girlfriend. But remember that he is showing who is he - still selfish and immature - so although he's going on about how fabulous sheis, she won't find him so easy to live with, especially after the initial craziness wears off. It's not an easy life to be someone's drug, especially someone who is selfish and thoughtless. I'm afraid things are going to fall apart badly at some point. I hope you will protect yourself from that. I think trying to be friends may not be a good idea until the point when your feelings are totally healed, whether that happens next year or 99 years from now. He's had enough years with the focus being him. Maybe it's time for some years with your focus being you which will mean less exposure to him, maybe no exposure. Take good care of yourself.
I understand your indignation but try not to read much into his proclamations of "instant" happiness. You've been through a long marriage an a lot of life experiences with your ex. I'm sure not all of them were bad experiences. Your ex likely feels the same.
My ex moved on to someone else too. Someone in Alanon suggested that my face was a reminder of all the hurt he caused and wanted to forget. The easier softer way is to just find a new partner who hasn't seen how you were in the past. This is very hurtful to a former wife/husband.
It's really difficult to know why your ex husband felt he needed to communicate information about his relationship with this woman to you. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that in his heart he feels tremendous shame about his past actions. He could be using the relationship with the girlfriend as a way of validating himself to prove to you he's an acceptable mate. I doubt very much he's feeling as happy joyous and free as he's saying. He hasn't cleared the wreckage from his past. It just might be that your ex's new girlfriend is just a temporary patch on a big open wound he carrying.
I would ask myself what would be the best way to take care of myself in this situation. If being around him is too painful, I would protect myself from that loss of serenity. There may be a day when he asks to make amends. You can decide if you are willing to receive an amends from him. That will be your choice to make. You can also decide if you want to do an Alanon 9th step with him if you haven't already. That will be another choice you get to make.
I hope you'll keep caring for yourself and maybe even think about enjoying the company of a man who will appreciate all that you are. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am living with a man that will not move a figure to help. He has turned into a complete recluse so I know how you feel. I guess when I leave him for good that he too will get a life. Will I also be upset and sad because he wasn't there for us. I'm guess not because WE weren't made to stay together.
I need to grow up and live MY life now and let the past go forever. If I don't I will never be happy.
I fell sad for you right now and bigs hugs that you will get though this..
((( HUGS )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you. My thoughts exactly. I have unfriended him on Facebook (LOL), and I think 'no contact' will have to be the norm for a while. All I want to do is get along well enough to not be awkward around the kids.
I have no ESH to share but wanted to welcome you to MIP joanlee! You are not alone - sorry for your pain!!! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs .. I hesitated to respond to this post .. Feel goods as I call them are wonderful and temporary. That doesn't even matter in the big scheme of things. Sobriety is a whole lot of work in terms of dealing with ick!! My x supposedly is now an active Christian man. Not an alcoholic all of goods issues were my fault. Let me tell you a lepord doesn't change their spots without work and a lot of bleach lol. Better yet how accept their spots? Well the Christian X is denying my daughter metal health care and making it difficult for her to get her sessions. She reached out to him and was told she would have to wait. So no .. Nothing has really changed he's just changed his distorted thinking for the moment. He's changed his haircut. Who denies their child help?? It's mind blowing .. Yet he's going on vacations doing things and telling the kids He won't do anything for them. Honey take it as a lesson and keep moving forward. You have so much life to live and that's a good thing. Find your passions and live a fearless life .. It can be done. It has its own consequences .. Living in the would have could have should haves is devastating. It's not reality. Hugs!!!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think it's human to imagine a new person is somehow going to get different bread from the same oven so to speak. I'm also of the belief that pedalling the fairytale is part of the alcoholics denial. I applaud your decision to keep you safe emotionally, it doesn't sound very nice to me to have to play happy friends. Alcoholics are good at whitewashing the past, we don't have to help them if we don't want to. In support.
I absolutely love the quotes I read on this site. "different bread from the same oven."
When reading the original post, my immediate thought was, "oh.....it won't be long......this new love he is experiencing will not last; too quick and too whirlwind." Really give some serious thought to how much contact you want to have.....just for your own serenity. It does not seem to occur to him or he is too selfish to care how YOU might feel about this. Pretty insensitive.....but that is part of the disease, too.
Aloha Joanlee. I is good to have you hear sounding off on the board. We have all to some extent been where you are at now. As for me I'm kinda there now by proxy as my alcoholic/addict son is creating those experiences. He is to old and too large to just spank the hell out of and then from my own experience I know what the alcoholic/addict fantasy is like myself. I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop I am just not participating in that part of his life and not sharing my own experiences with him some of which he participated in himself. Today it is just me and HP and the practice of turning it over and not taking anything personal...it's not my circus...not my ape. I don't and won't "friend" my son and hangout with him because of the constant invitation to try and "get into" his stuff. My life is my responsibility now and it's really doing good compared to before Al-Anon and the insanity. Keep coming back and grow with us. ((((hugs))))
