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I'm feeling lost and not sure if I'm the problem or if this is normal....my husband is a recovering alcoholic he did a 28 day inpatient and is now attending an outpatient program. He rarely shows me any affection since he's been home from rehab he came home the first week of May and we had sex twice the first week he was out and then nothing...he hardly ever kisses me, cuddles or holds my hand. Before we were the couple that made everyone sick because of how we were always touching, kissing and saying I love you all the time we would text all day saying I love you and miss you we were like teenagers now I feel like we are nothing more than roommates...I've assumed he was cheating on me (I have major trust issues due to a prior relationship) we used to have sex everyday or every other day.....I don't know if its me or what I haven't gained any weight in fact I'm down 10 pounds from when he went to rehab....I feel inadequate, unwanted and unloved I try so hard to not let it get to me because I know he's dealing with a lot with his recovery but I feel like I'm falling apart inside I literally cry myself to sleep every night...I mentioned it to him and started crying like a baby and we had sex that night (last week) but it almost felt like pity sex....he just says he's too exhausted for sex with work and his treatment program he really doesn't talk to me about much anymore....is this something that happens during recovery or am I really the problem??
Hi Mrs W.
I of course can't speak for your husband but I can tell you that what you are describing is very familiar and seems to be experienced over and over again in relationships where one party becomes sober and loses their mojo. I can also tell you that it's pretty unlikely to be anything to do with you. My partner is an alcoholic (still active) who can only be intimate when he is drinking. He openly acknowledges this and we've just sort of become used to it.
I discussed it with him recently and his explanation is, he was drinking heavily when he was a teenager and all of his early experiences (and thereafter)were alcohol-fuelled so, he figures "it's just part of my psyche now". Which makes sense, whether I like it or not. I assume that if he ever became sober, it would be something he would eventually get past or we would work around but I do know that at the moment, no alcohol= "I'm tired, don't touch me".
There are so many possible reasons for this to happen; one thing people often say is that when they were drinking they were able to numb certain emotional issues and that made it easy for them to enjoy physical relationships. Alcohol also has very significant effects on hormone production. Getting sober has big physiological effects on the body and as it tries to repair itself some "non essential" pathways will slow down while others go hard on detoxing and repairing the body. The list of possible reasons why a newly sober person might have little interest in sex in really long, and you and your weight or attractiveness are very unlikely to feature anywhere on that list.
Recovery is a really personal journey and involves a huge adjustment- mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. You also mention that he doesn't talk a lot and that's also kind of common.
Of course none of that changes the fact that you are not having your own needs met at the moment and that is where al-anon comes in. Al-anon is about our own growth and healing and learning to have our needs met without relying on an alcoholic loved one who probably doesn't have the ability to give us what we are craving anyway.
Recovery is a really hard time for relationships, which can be a really huge slap in the face since we tend to think everything will be magically 'all better" when our partner gets sober. Have you been to, or considered face to face al-anon meetings?
Also, hugs, and welcome!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi missmeliss! I have been attending Al-Anon when I can there are two meetings a week I can attend with the work schedule I have...there are some days I really wanna go and some days I don't because I don't like to just sit there and cry which I do a lot when I go to them....maybe I just need to get past that and make myself go to the two I can.....thank you for your response you made me feel better for sure!
Mrsw i sat and cried for a long time, its okay
To do that. I had a lot of grief, pain and hurt,
I was there to get better for myself.
Keep going to ftf and reaching out for loving
support from good healthy people.
You can only fix and help yourself, his journey
And recovery are his. I know how painful that
Can be. Detaching and healthy boundaries
among Other alanon tools will help.
I hope you do get to your meetings most of us cry when we starting going to meetings it's a safe place to be vulnerable. We have all experienced the effects of loving an alcoholic no one is judging in fact people will admire your vulnerability. When someone crystal at a meeting it helps others whoya be repressing their hurt. I have been going to al anon for nearly nine years and I still cry at meeting. I get lots of love hugs and support too.
Great that you're attending meetings. Sitting and crying is a valid way to attend meetings; I think we've all done that a few times.
I don't know if this is true for you or not, but an actively drinking partner can really make us feel like we are the center of their universe (in good and bad ways) and when they start to get healthy and focus on themselves that can leave us feeling a bit lost?
The good news is, now is the perfect time to start to uncover who YOU are and what you want and need. That's the healthiest thing that you can do for you and for your husband.
One question I was asked when I first got to al-anon was, before I met my partner, what did I want and need? What were my hopes and dreams? How do I feel about them now?
Might be a good place to start; he's focusing on himself so why shouldn't you?
Tell us more about you, if you want to. Who are you, aside from the wife of an alcoholic?
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aloha MrsW and welcome to the board. In time we learn more; much more one thing being that recovery changes everything. What was it to learn that I was married to an alcoholic/addict. I learned that is not a normal person...she was addicted mind, body, spirit and emotions and so was I and the things we did and held important to us and our relationship were affected also. Once I started changing the relationship changed on those four levels and I started to learn and see more what a wake up call it was!! Along the way over time I desired love which I learned often times was not sex at all and started having thoughts of "Do you want to sex me or love me"??? and then came to accept that we were not loving at all we were exercising nerve ending practices and rarely if ever after did I feel loved.
Stick around the program and attend face to face meetings as often as you can. Early on we spoke of doing 90 meetings in 90 days which led me to understand how large the program was and the need for it. I actually got into 102 in 90 days as alcoholism was huge in the area I entered the program. An old understanding use to be said that "the program changes only one thing....Everything". Get the literature and listen for the suggestions from the old timers and of course practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back.
Recovery is changing him also...love him more. ((((hugs))))
I thought that my female feelings were gone as i felt nothing and eventually very repelled by any physical contact with my XAH. As it turned out when I met my boyfriend I discovered those feelings and desires came back and with a thrilling effect. It has turned into a wonderful relationship filled with love, devotion,caring,sharing and something that has filled the needs i held inside for yrs and never told anyone
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What I wanted before is a really good question missmeliss...all I've ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mother and build a good family....like I said in my post my husband and I have been friends for about 14 years and I've loved him the whole time we were together for what you could call it at 18 years old...we both even married other people but still remained friends...once we had both left our partners (not to be together but for other reason) and we decided to get back together last year after we found out my now 10 year old daughter is his (that's a long story in itself) I felt so complete and that my family was perfect aside from the alcohol...I am so beyond proud of him for being sober (since Apr 15th) and feel so guilty for having any bad feelings....I really expected for him to get out of rehab and our lives would be great since alcohol was our only issue...I have no desire to cheat on him....I think I need to look into getting a sponsor with Al-Anon I constantly feel like I have all these feeling built up and I'm going to implode and my anxiety is just all over the place...maybe I should seek counseling along with Al-Anon??
Went to another meeting tonight and same thing just sat there and cried....I feel it's all I do anymore not just at meetings but randomly at home, work even just driving in the car...does this whole thing ever get any easier??
Went to another meeting tonight and same thing just sat there and cried....I feel it's all I do anymore not just at meetings but randomly at home, work even just driving in the car...does this whole thing ever get any easier??
I cried and sat and listened for almost two years,
I was on rock bottom.
My situation is different than yours my xah was
Dry for years. I guess just not really emotionally
Or spiritually sober.
There is so much to learn about alcoholism and/or
The Dysfunction of the disease. It effects us too. I
grew up in and married Into it so i literally have a
lifetime to recover from.
You can only fix yourself, work steps 1,2 and 3, listen
And learn as much as you can. Get the three daily
Readers and any other literature from an alanon
Lending library. Find a sponsor to help you.
This is not an easy road or journey neither is your
Ah's. He hopefully is going to 90 mtgs in 90 days
talking to his sponsor about his concerns and questions.
He needs to learn how to live life sober and it is not easy.
You have broached a subject that is near and dear to my own heart! So much so, in fact, that I posted on this subject recently. My RAH, sober approximately 14 months, is working a program and spending tons of time with our family again, we have been traveling and spending lots and lots of time together, but, the touching/sex is basically GONE! I don't know why and I don't fully understand and we have discussed it several times. He suffers from a very traumatic childhood and has been drinking since age 10. In addition to physical abuse, he sometimes "serviced" much, much older women at a very very young age, I sometimes feel very alone even with the amount of time we spend together and even though I know I can depend on him now (where I certainly could not before).
I am no fool and do realize that alcoholism is progressive and fatal and if he takes even one drink, then he will be in the same place he was before starting his recovery.
I have seen/heard several people who said they preferred their spouse when they were drinking because there was more excitement and more "fun". I can even understand this sometimes, because it is very human to try to forget what life was truly like during our over 20 year marriage. I so miss the closeness and yet when I think about the two times (before and after recovery), I much prefer the after! Are there some things I really do not like about him now? YES. But, when you think of how truly miserable I was before (almost all of the time), I think I will certainly choose the sober man. Yes, I very very much miss the closeness, but I can honestly say there were many many times we had sex that I hated it! Mostly, because I felt like I was being used for someone else's pleasure and really not getting my needs met on the emotional front. Right now, I still feel a little off kilter and am not certain how to deal with the lack of physical intimacy (including the hugging and other loving gestures) and I despise when he has been around my stepfather, who is a condescending jerk most of the time, and then seems to think his behavior is "normal". But, I have to say that I would take this man, flaws and all, one thousand times over before I would go back to the hell of life with an active alcoholic.
The days of pure physical illness from stress and worry are no longer a part of my life (except as I deal with finances, which is an issue I need to work on). I no longer worry every day that the other shoe will fall, he'll get s DUI, he'll kill someone on the rosd, he'll shot himself falling out of a tree stand, or fall into the river and drown. All of these were distinct probabilities before he began recovery and just typing about them helps me put things into perspective.
I too used to go to meetings and just cry, over and over! It took a very long time to be able to speak without breaking down and I still do on occasion. Our emotions become so raw and we ore often stressed so much that we don't even know what normal stress is. It's like we are hypersensitive to everything we see, near, or think because we stay on "high alert" all of the time,
I wish you well and hope you find your answers, I am still working on me, so I figure he is allowed to still work on himself too. We have a lot of water under our bridge and it is going to take a very long time to get to the other side,
Hugs .. Something about the face to face meetings are that they are a safe place to release my emotions. So I'm able to cry and let it all out. It's ok. So I hope you realize your brain is connecting with your heart. It's overwhelming to release everything that has remained locked away. It took me a long time to feel like a woman on any level ever after I left my ex. I'm kind of past that at this point. I'm in discovery mode. I didn't realize how locked down I was .. I had to have fun at first in little ways. I really don't think people who know me and remember me being married to my ex would come close to recognizing me at this point. Lol. I'm ok with that. In just know it wasn't about my X as much as it was about me and how much I lost myself in the active disease. Now I had to remember and figure out who I am without the disease active. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Interesting. My ex-husband & I were married 36 years and during the last ten, we probably had sex 10 times. I can't believe I accepted this as normal, but thought it was just the pressure of the job, etc. Then his mom died in 2001. We seemed to be okay before that (comparably!), but after she died, it was like I didn't exist. I remember being concerned, so went out to get a sexy lace thing, modeled it for him (I'm not too bad looking), and he looked like a deer in the headlights. It was one of the most humiliating times of my life.
Toward the end, when the drinking got to be 24/7, I actually couldn't stand to be near him. When I think about the years that were wasted with no communication or love, I want to cry. Don't let this keep happening. We went to Mexico 3 times and Hawaii twice, and never had sex. Somehow he figured this was normal behavior.
Alanon helped me leave him 5 years ago, and the only thing I wish now is that I'd done it sooner. I'm not looking for love at age 66, but I would like to have a kinder relationship.
Good luck,
I heard in the rooms one time that it doesn't matter in comparison to the disease I will never be enough .. there is never enough sexy, kids being perfect, me being perfect .. none of it matters in the face of the disease .. active or thinking. The thinking takes time and work the active stuff is a no brainer without recovery things remain the same. That's why I had to change because I could not remain in the same situation doing the same thing.
Hugs JL .. I totally get it. I had a similar experience although mine went the other directions looking for a release and a way to get his "feel goods" looking back I wish he had just left me alone. It actually made me feel worse, there's a crude term for what I felt like and unfortunately it was true. I was only a vessel and no matter who had been there that would have satisfied his needs.
I'm so glad to no longer be in that position and to have power over my own sexuality so that I can be a person vs a vessel.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There is so much information available in and out of the program about sex and only one piece for me was the information on Central Nervous System (CNS) stimulation which is very much like what alcohol does to the CNS also. The endorphins running wild and such blah, blah, blah and my morality becoming confused because for me again the "love" angle over rode the subject. CRAZYMAKING. I was scolded by many of taking the subject tooo seriously and why not just accept it as something I liked and proceed to the next one and I hit my head on the bottom of the pool on that one because respecting the partners came with my personality and religious beliefs and such. Sex is such a personal issue, again for me, and I have found more mixed messages on that subject than I care to discuss none of which ever stopped me from indulging in it. What I really wanted was to be loved...not sexed and I found that in recovery. Going to a meeting. (((hugs)))
