The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I asked my AH tonight, "what kind of family are we? What are we building together?" Of course he had no answer, I think the question freaks him out because he had no idea who he wants to become, or what he wants to do. -- he left the room to play video games, then came back to bed and laid down to sleep without saying another word.
So, he's going to do what he's going to do, what am I going to do?
I'm giving myself permission to go after some big lofty goals without his approval or input. A big part of me has been waiting around for him to say "Yes!" to a dream, a vision, an adventure; but he's not that guy (at least not right now) Too often I have settled or compromised instead of doing what makes me happy. I'm doing the next right thing, and then the next right thing after that without waiting for his, or anyone's, rubber stamp of approval.
My dreams - bike more, drive less, learn more and more and MORE, collaborate and organize, travel, dance, weave a network of love and support, travel more, build myself a sweet little home, heal and nurture, have mad crazy adventures, and grow old and gray
What kind of person am I? Kind, adventurous, curious, reflective
What am I building? Community, equity, connection, beauty - a better world one step at a time
My future is not bound up in his. Our son and our relationship will always connect us to one another AND I have agency to create my own life. I can't wait to see what unfolds
It seems obvious on some levels but I truly did not feel and believe that I could make my own life wonderful until I came to alanon. I was always seeking external validation for my choices, and needed someone else to prop me up where I felt weak. I feel as if I am finally showing up and taking responsibility for my own life.
Great message and powerful goals Dandelion. You are on your way.
I heard that you have discovered faith in your true HP so just keep showing up and miracles do happen.
You are a Miracle in Progress.
Love, love, love this post/thread. The gifts of the program and faith are so super powerful. Here's to your growth and goals and future - hat's off!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Exciting in many ways and sad too- this morning I'm grieving the imagined future I thought we could share. Letting go is such a process.
He also said some things to me that magnified our issues. He made comments blaming me for issues but nothing about his own role in any negative aspect of our marriage -- trying so hard to blame me he can't see himself clearly. He also made comments objectifying my body, expressing upset feelings because I didn't fulfill his sexual needs. Even though I know these things are skewed and part of his disease It is hard to hear. It is also hard to push that voice out of my head- to know my own truth and sad too - his lack of maturity makes me sad. When I acknowledge who he is, my illusions and facades melt away and I feel a sense of loss for something I never really had.
It is like that proverbial window closing (letting go of what you envisioned your life together would look like) and a door opening (your plans and goals to achieve personal satisfaction and happiness). Your post was very inspirational to me. Iv'e been making Plan B plans to get me through a moment or short period of time as a coping strategy and to keep me as serene as possible. However, your post makes me want to sit down and write out my desires and ambitions.
(((Hugs to you))). I love this site and all the supportive, loving, and inspirational responses.
awesome post,lapplaud you for your progress. It isnt easy but there are so many of us keeping you company on the road to recovery. I too realized that his dreams werent mine and also probally wouldnt be furfilled. hugs to u my fellow alanon traveler
((Dandelion))) Letting go of denial and accepting the reality is difficult and you are doing well. I see your courage and wisdom expand in every posting.
I agree alocholics like to place blame and before program I accepted this blame because I thought I was all powerful and was responsible for everyone and everything. Alanon taught me to stay on my side of the street, examine my motives, own my responsibility, promptly admit to what I have found without pointing fingers and not accept blame. This way I own who I am and do not let others affect my opinion of me Keeep coming back
Thanks for sharing your dreams! And why not... there's nothing to hold you back aside from letting yourself be held hostage by the disease of alcoholism. I love the positive energy, hope and perseverance. Wishing you all good things on your journey of discovery! (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
