The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my AH and I got into a discussion about his drinking. It came up in a round about way where he asked me if I was calling him an alcoholic (even though I wasn't talking about him). I told him no I wasn't calling him an alcoholic in this instance I was talking about something else. Of course that led him to ask me if I think he has a problem with his drinking. So I chose to be honest and I said yes. He knows this I have told him before but he seems to conveniently forget and thinks I go to al anon because of my step mother and step father only. I told him that he seems like once he starts drinking he has difficulty stopping. He drinks quite frequently and I started to elaborate and he said something angry. I said to him that it seems he doesn't want to hear what I have to say so I will stop talking about it and I told him that I only bring it up because I love him and I don't want to see him like that. He then refused to speak to me much for the rest of the night. This sent me into a tailspin of negative thoughts, anger, resentment, sadness. The good thing is I went out and did something for myself. I called an al anon friend and talked it out a bit. I was consumed with thoughts of how to explain it properly so he would understand it, how to convince him that he shouldn't be mad at me. I remembered the day he told me he was so afraid that I was going to tell him he had to stop drinking or I would leave and felt so sorry for myself that he is more afraid of having to stop drinking than me leaving him. I cried, I raged, I battled it in my own head and on the phone with my friend. And my friend reminded me to "let go and let God" and that was helpful. We talked a lot about it. She helped me bring the focus back to me and what I need right now. And that calmed me enough to go home. When I got home he was drunk and slurring his words and repeating himself and wanting to stand in the kitchen and have a long drawn out conversation where he kept circling around the same topic repeating himself and not making a lot of sense. I found myself getting irritated but instead of trying to engage the alcoholism I told him I really wanted to watch a TV show and I left the room. He was obviously mad but he left me alone for a while then got right back in my face a little while later talking about things again while I paused my show. So I turned it back on and asked if I could watch it. He was miffed again but he went to bed in the other room and left me alone. I woke up this morning full of rage again. I had to spend my drive to work and the rest of the morning reminding myself that I am powerless over his drinking. I am powerless over him. We had a minor blow up this morning and he asked me if I was mad and I said yes I am mad. He told me I can't be mad. I told him actually I can be. I can't lash out and attack him but it's ok if I am mad. I have a right to that feeling. He left me alone after that.
In reflecting on yesterday I can see I am struggling with how to talk to him about his drinking. I used to address and point out every instance where I thought he was drinking too much and that just led to bickering and arguments and feeling a need to defend myself and my views with him. So I decided to stop addressing it and now I feel like I dance around the issue of his drinking often to the point of avoiding talking about it which also isn't helpful. I know that I often tell him I am tired when truthfully I don't want to spend time with him when he's drinking so I spend a lot of time avoiding him and making up excuses to avoid him. I think I do that because when he is intoxicated he gets very argumentative and tries to make me defend my position until I start questioning myself and my original opinion. Heck he doesn't have to be intoxicated to be argumentative it just comes naturally to him. I guess at some level I feel I need to tell him how his drinking is affecting me. He seems very much in denial about his drinking being a problem and that makes it hard. I think I need to put a few boundaries in place around spending time with him when he's been drinking. I think he needs to know so he's not surprised when I end our time together. Any ESH around this issue would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone set boundaries like this? Has anyone had experience with communicating their concerns around the drinking without getting into a debate about it?
KT If somebody else's drinking is bothering you then Al-Anon is for you. Attending meetings and developing healthy tools to live by is your right and you don't have to justify it to anybody. If you are uncomfortable being with someone who is drinking then Al-Anon suggests that we say what we mean, mean only say and not say it mean.
I have stopped drinking and going to bars because I find it very boring. If anyone suggests going out for a night of karaoke or drinking. I simply say I don't like that type of entertainment and will not go.
Since this would be a change in your relationship then it probably would be best to explain that drinking and interacting with someone who has been drinking is becoming increasingly difficult. You can no longer sit around and waste your time if the time is going to be spent at a bar or drinking outdoors, etc. You can make plans for an evening and leave if you're not comfortable. Again, keeping the focus on yourself and not trying to change others.
If your partner continues to ask you if you think he's an alcoholic- then you can explain what you have learned about the disease. It is a progressive chronic fatal disease over which were powerless. That AA is a recognized recovery program for the alcoholic and because living with the disease is so devastating, Al-Anon is a program set up for family members. That's an objective overview. Good luck
Just thinking over and over that I am powerless is a boundary for me. I can reach the fence and won't go thru the gate to the other side. I am powerless is a truth and I don't challenge truths like I used to wanting to assuage my feelings or personality. Drinking and the consequences of drinking are his responsibility alone. done ((((hugs))))
I learned to work off my rage with
Forgiveness. Forgive yourself first
and Really mean it, get in there deep,
then forgive Him next. He does not
need to Know.
I had a scary amount of rage during
My divorce it took me awhile to get
To the forgiveness stage. I still have
Plenty of healthy anger though.
I can forgive myself so much easier
Now with program tools and HP.
(((KT))) - this disease can and has exasperated me more than most things in my life. I have to not only remember I am powerless; I have to also remember that trying to have a discussion with an active A is almost as productive as talking to a wall. I can speak from my A personal experience that anyone who tried to talk to me, yell at me, reason with me - a part of my brain shut down - I was in denial and there is no way there were right.....when I was close to my bottom, many of those things floated back into my brain under the pretense of possibilities....but I still was in denial - it was so, so, so strong. I was not a mean person, but I was a sick person - deep in the disease which comes with a boatload of denial.
In my world, before Al-Anon, I used to fixate and obsess over how to say what I thought I needed to say in a different way so I might be heard. Well - come to realize that it did not matter what I said, how I said it, they (being like me) were not ready/willing/able to hear it and my words kept impeding upon their disease and possibly prolonging their bottom.
It took me a ton of practice to realize I had no impact on my qualifiers' disease. It was hard to accept but once I did, I found peace. I pray for them to have peace and joy each day and truly turn them over each morning.
Loving an alcoholic is service work at times. Realizing they are sick and detaching with love and compassion is also service work at times. While working this program and practicing these principles brings me serenity, treating them kindly and with compassion gives them dignity, which I believe everyone deserves.
(((Hugs))) - one day at a time, one moment at a time.....you're doing just fine - keep practicing and take care of yourself!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
