The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading today's reading that speaks about expectations and resentment, I find myself questioning a lot of things. I know we can apply the Al-Anon principles to all aspects of our lives, so I find myself asking....."If I am not supposed to have expectations, then does that mean I have to settle for whatever I get?" If so, how is that supposed to help me? I know that we have to do our own moral inventory and maybe some of our expectations are too high, but in the normal course of relationships, situations, etc. a giving person can give to the point that they have nothing left to give. And if they are not getting anything in return to fuel them; how, are they expected to continue to give?
I have given so much of myself to everyone in my life....and I am completely EMPTY. Now, I am in a program and I am told not to expect anything of anyone. I know I have to rely on myself, but in a relationship is it too much to ask to feel loved, appreciated, are those all unreasonable expectations.
I'm new and reading and studying and it just creates more and more questions.
RKTreats - your questions are good, truly they are. However, for me, I had to get a sponsor and work the steps. I say this because my perceptions of reality were fairy-tale and possible not grounded to begin with. For example, for my AH to say Thank You when I cook a nice meal - that's it. That is his highest level of appreciation. My expectation before the program was like a bad Lifetime movie - I expected him to say how good it was, how grateful he was for such a lovely wife who can cook and .................................................
So - it's more than fair to be treated kindly and with respect. Those are reasonable expectations. When you begin to talk about love and appreciation and kindness - they are defined differently by each of us. When you add a disease like alcoholism/addiction, which affects the thinking, attitudes, actions and reactions - it just gets even more complex. What I found out in my own growth is I too gave all of me to everyone else. I always put myself last. However, in considering what I do/how I do it/when I do it, nobody ever asked me - I assumed that role/responsibility and put myself into that assignment. I thought about many things, if I don't do it, nobody will.
What I found out is that's not entirely true. Nobody will do laundry around here but me - my solution - make sure everyone has enough clothes to get through 2 weeks. However, everything else around here has gotten done if/when I have decided to not do it or I've been gone and unable to do it. Kids got fed, dog got fed, yard got mowed, carpools happened, lunches made, nobody died in my home as a result of me redefining my role to take some burden off of me.
I have expectations of my AH as we share a home, expenses, etc. They are very basic and have more to do with household things. When I ask him to do something, he typically will so long as it doesn't interfere with other plans he has. I do not look for him to appreciate me, shower me with affection or build my self-esteem up - it's not his style and I no longer need that from outside sources.
The program for me gave me back me. I no longer look outside myself for approval, love, appreciation, etc. I know I am a good person who is not perfect and I am loved and loving.
Does this help? I will freely admit that night time is not prime thinking time for me.....hopefully others will come along and share their ESH as well!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello RK, welcome. Love that you are digging into the readings, chewing on them, and coming up with questions. Bravo!
The answer to your first question, in brief, is "No". Nothing in the AlAnon program suggests that we settle. It sounds like you have the daily readers, and if you look in the back index under "Expectations", reading through the pages listed will help illuminate the program perspective. I have marks on p. 144 and 66 as particularly helpful for me.
AlAnon helps me examine the role expectations play in my life, and I realize that I sometimes hold them for others based upon what I think others should do. When I do that I am focusing on things that I cannot, nor should not try to control. I must keep the focus on my thoughts, behavior and needs, rather than focusing on how or why others are not meeting mine.
Keep reading, digging, and asking questions...that's the path to recovery
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
The way I understand it, expectations are about reality. Can my A sustain an emotionally healthy relationship? I wish that he could, but knowing what I know about his alcoholism and his history and his functioning, it is not realistic to expect that he can. "He is what he is." Now that I know that I cannot expect it, what do I choose to do? I still have many options (leave him, or stay with him and detach and get my needs met in other ways, or decide to stay for a certain amount of time and see if it meets my needs enough - or whatever). But the difference is that I can make my decision based on what is and not on what I would like there to be.
HI RK I do hear you as I too felt depleted by all the giving that I did prior to alanon. Since I was "giving" i unconsciously expected others to recipricate and give back to me.
In reviewing my actions I saw that I never explained these expectations to others, my motives appeared unselfish and loving without strings. I assumed that normal human responses would encourage others to respond in kind.
Alanon priniciples asks that I keep the focus on myself--treat myself with kindness, love and compassion and then after I have done this for myself I will be able to give to others.
Having expectations of how others" should respond" leads to resentment. Establihing boundaries, asking for what I need and not "assuming" worked much better.
My unspoken expectations only hurt me. No one was taking care of me so that in reality I also had abandoned myself. Now with HP and focused on myself I feel cherished and loved.
Keep on exploring .
