The material presented
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Can someone shed some light on this topic for me? I have heard several times "it's better for both people to do the recovery outside of the relationship so they can focus on themselves", so does this mean if I'm in a relationship, I should end it and go through the recovery and then identify if the relationship is going to work?
I've also read in my Al-Anon materials that I shouldn't make any major decisions until I've spent six months in recovery. How does that apply to relationships?
I know that the literature recommends that you not enter into a relationship until you've been in recovery for a year, but does that apply to relationships you were in prior to starting recovery?
How do married couples that enter into recovery handle their relationships?
My ESH - relationships are between two people not about two becoming one. My AH and I used to fight like cats/dogs. We then went through the silent treatment for extended periods of time. We were different people in different places, and I blamed him and the disease. In Al-Anon, I began to breathe and could understand I had no control over others. I could choose to do the same things over and over or I could chose to work on me, and see what happened.
So, recovery for one IS possible whether the other is/is not in recovery. It's not easy, but neither is two different programs under the same roof. So, for me it means you don't ask about their recovery, their steps, their meetings, their anything related to recovery. I had 3 active alcoholics in my home when I arrived at Al-Anon. There were many days were I just kept my mouth quiet and took my lovely dog for a walk. By the time I returned, whatever was going on was usually over and I did not have to get in the mix of the chaos. I practiced tolerance and patience until it became more natural.
Living one day at a time, one moment at a time and taking care of me saved my bacon.....keep asking questions and keep practicing the program. It will come!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
RK this is a good question. When I first came to Al-Anon my AH was really bad with his drinking. I honestly thought that we would get separated and I would file for divorce. I am glad that I didn't make any hasty decisions. The program gives you a lot of helpful tools with dealing both with active alcoholics and dry ones. I started to use some of these tools to detach with love and focus on my own well being. It was not easy at first but I made some friends in the program and started to not feel so hopeless and fearful all the time. My AH also started to go to AA but he didn't find sobriety right away. I think both of us being in recovery at the same time really helped our relationship but you can also find some serenity if you are just in recovery. My life is totally different 1 year later, my husband is coming up on his 1 year anniversary with being sober and we are so much happier.
For me, relationships have been where I take my recovery show on the road, so to speak. Since my divorce 6 years ago, I have only had one longer term relationship (7-8 months), other than that, I've dated people 2-3 months before things go south. These relationships and dating as a whole have taught me so much about myself - what I want, what I don't want, what my boundaries are, my own principles etc. I do not know how much of this I would have learned on my own, without the experience of 'trial and error' so to speak. Because of my experiences, I can now recognize when I am in an unhealthy situation with someone. I'm a little 'better' at removing myself from those relationships as well.
I am a work in progress, but for me, balance is key. I follow the 'Just Do YOU' principle for myself, and then I KEEP trying to do that while I am dating as well. Detachment is a hard thing to learn, but like anything else, it takes practice. And practice happens in how we relate to others, whether it's family, friends or intimate partners.
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I can only say my starting this process has already made changes for the better in my relationship with my husband for that matter my family I am realizing I need to take responsibility for me and pray we grow from there and as of today that is evident. I have lost my job been broke like never before and I have always paid the bills letting go and turning my husband and our marriage over was my last let go and I have peace like I have never experienced not always easy but I take it one step at a time. Let go God will show you His plan for you, first do you!!!
))))