The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So it will be 2 years since splitting with my AW this September, and I have not gone on one date yet. Even my therapist is like dude...how bout a date..it's just a date! And in a weird reversal of roles it's ME getting HIM to chill. Granted it's been a busy stretch with divorce, finding a new place, moving, learning positive parenting techniques, adjusting to the single dad life, recovering etc. For a while I was patting myself on the back for taking it easy and using the alone time to reflect on bad decisions, reconnect with myself and heal. But coming up on two years I'm starting to wonder if I'm being patient or just avoiding the dating scene. Maybe a little of both. Sure I'll be rusty and I'm sure I'll get shot down, but I don't think I'm that worried about it. Honestly I think I'm just being a little selfish with my time. I'm enjoying doing whatever I want. So maybe that's still where I'm at and that's okay. But I do miss female companionship and dating is starting to sound more like fun and less like an assault on my independence. I'm just really trying to take inventory on this one and it's not crystal clear yet. What IS clear is my ex is starting to get flirtatious with me and maybe it's time to date sooner than later before I consider making a bad decision. There's a part of me that thinks it could be fun. The part that has gotten men in trouble since the dawn of time. Sometimes when one door closes, you have to nail a board over it.
I may have to write that up as a poster. "Sometimes when one door closes, you have to nail a board over it". I can't offer any esh as I'm not yet divorced. But I did like that line of wisdom.
(((LLM))) Great awareness and processing . I know that after my hubby passed it took me 3 years in order to jump back into the dating world. I found that Alanon conventions were helpful and less threatening.
Of coarse, I did not need to "nail the door shut"as you might so Good Luck, you are a great person and do deserve adult female companionship.
I have been divorced for almost 2 1/2 years and know I am not really ready to date. At first I went on a bunch of coffee dates, but honestly I felt like I was doing that because..hey, you are single again! Single people go on dates! I wasn't ready then and like you, am learning that it is just fine to be selfish with my time. I was married for a long time and from a young age so I know I am learning who I am on my own.
I wish you the best with it. If it seems like fun to you then that's a pretty good reason to date in my opinion
I thought the nailing the door shut visual was pretty good too. Remembering that next time my ex faceache tries to make nice with me and act like "buddies".
Hugs to you.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I am one year divorced and am no way ready to date,
I have too much healing and growing yet to do. I am
Trying to find me again somewhere she got very lost.
Many Days i feel like a teenager just trying to cope
and Get thru my days mentally and emotionally.
I love, nail A board over the door, smart and good
idea, no need to go back to that door again.
I have no experience in this chapter of life, but wanted to wish you the very best as you process and go forward. I am amazed that it's been two years for you - what a ton of growth and recovery I see through your writing/sharing/processing! Continue to trust the process and I am certain the answers will come for you!!
(((LLM)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you to the divorced folks sharing their ESH with me. It made me feel better to know I'm not alone in taking my sweet time healing, and I wish you all the best as you heal from yours too. I'm still surprised sometimes when I announce to the universe "okay I'm done grieving now! Onward and upward!" and the universe gently reminds me that I don't exactly get to decide everything so simply. Just a month ago I experienced another...aftershock of grief? and had a good cry and felt depressed for a week. I talked to a friend about it, the blues eventually passed and that was that.
This reminds me...my divorce is not official yet. I've gotten "busy" with my new life and haven't set a court date yet (she's been served the papers though). I think it's time to finalize things just to complete the break.
Betty I like how you added the word "adult" in front of relationship there :) That would be a welcome change from my previous relationship!
LLM .. I just wanted to say that time takes time and it took me 3 years of separation, 1 1/2 years of divorce and I'm just now considering it. I have actually gone out on a couple of dates and I do believe it's one of those things when you are ready you will know. I think it's way to easy to just jump first and ask questions later.
Dating for me is about having fun and just discovering who I am and what I want. I also don't want to confuse my kids with random men (yes my whole 3 dates in over 4 years .. LOL) coming in and out of my life so absolutely no one has met my kids nor will they until I choose that it is time. Good luck on telling me what to do in terms of independence .. LOL. I think it's funny that your therapist is pushing you out the door mine was like .. do you think maybe you might want to wait until the kids are out of the house? So it's more about living life on life terms for me. If I do decide on having a real relationship then that's what will happen.
I agree missing the companionship and just having someone of the opposite sex to go and do something with is nice and I enjoy it. I do want something more and something different than I had and I have already had the 2 headed dragon I really do not want to invite a 3 headed one into the scope of things.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I probably dated too soon due to loneliness and dependency. I had a long marriage and at first being on my own felt very uncomfortable. I then took 2 years of spending time with others in Alanon, a few close friends and my higher power. I got to know who I was becoming on my own without a spouse. Like you, there came a time when I felt ready to date. I learned a lot about who I was becoming as a single woman (I had been still seeing myself as "wife"). I learned about healthy intimacy, boundaries, friendship, risking to try new activities, holding a conversation with someone who actually participated and just relaxing in the moment. I hope you treat it like a new exciting adventure and just have fun with it. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hey Cathy how about a asset list instead Cathy is a beautiful, attractive, accomplished woman who is filled with compassion empathy and courage. That is a start :)
I have been divorced 5 years, and at first the LAST thing I wanted was another headache. I have not been interested at all. Tried some online dating sites, what a joke. Just recently have I started feeling lonely. I am fine by myself, but after re-doing my yard and sitting outside with my cute little patio lights all by myself, I thought, it really isn't so much fun sitting here with no one to share anything with. So now the dating idea doesn't seem so bad. Most people (esp men) are looking for true love, but I am not. I guess everything happens with time.
I really think I was so traumatized with the divorce, I couldn't even wrap my head around it. Plus, I never wanted a divorce, especially at age 61. I left my husband because he left me no choice, and he nearly died from pancreatitis. I can't believe he's still alive. He now has another 'true love', and I don't think he will get well until he does the steps. He has to face the music, but has not been willing to. But not my problem anymore. The stupid thing is, I still find myself thinking about him. The old him.
Good luck with your new adventure, I like to think of dating as just getting to know people and being able to do stuff. Right now I can't even go to the damn show unless I go myself.
And I hear you on thinking you are healed. I think I'm fine, and then something hits me out of the blue, like my ex telling me he's 'in love' after meeting someone once. I felt like I was hit in the head with a 2 x 4. I thought I would be glad when he found someone, but found out I still have issues. It takes a LONG time to heal. :)
-- Edited by joanlee on Monday 6th of June 2016 03:48:03 PM
I rushed it the first time I dated when I left my exAH, so take your time! Healing takes time and al-anon takes time work to build yourself up to feeling confident. Take your time, but don't hold yourself back either.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
so Good Luck, you are a great person and do deserve adult female companionship.