The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm 65 years old and have been married for 25 years to my ah. He always drank, but it got worse with time and around 3 years ago his drunken rage caused me to leave the house and go to a hotel. The next day I told him to get sober or get out so he started meetings and got sober. At first life seemed to improve, but for the last year or two the behavior he used to display when drinking has recurred big time and may actually be worse . He stopped the meetings about a year ago because he said they did nothing for him and I never saw any indication that he was working the steps. He did have a sponsor that I think he felt close to but unfortunately he moved away. The mood swings and anger especially came to a head this weekend...an innocuous question that I asked while he was repairing a faucet (how long do you think the water will be off?) caused an explosion. I did what I have come to learn to do...disengaged and left him alone. We were expecting my sister and her husband for a cook-out and three hours later he started berating me again about how "everything I do revolves around you, blah blah blah...). I pointed out to him that it was hours since that verbal exchange, but his face was red and distorted and I saw a look of total rage, hate and loathing in his eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time. He has never laid a hand on me and I don't believe he would, but I don't think I can ever forget his expression. I called my sister and cancelled the cook-out because the atmosphere is so toxic at my house. She is a recovering alcoholic that is working the program; she totally understood and has encouraged me to get help. Yesterday I did what I should not have done and tried to discuss what happened with him and suggested that he was a "dry drunk" and perhaps he should try to go to counseling. He refuses to do that...doesn't think he needs it and the discussion went no where. I now know it was not a good idea to throw out the "dry drunk" label, but can't get a do-over with that. We are both in a second marriage with three adult daughters between us, and my daughter (his step-daughter) is getting married at the end of July. I am dreading the wedding because I don't want him to go, but am not sure how to tell him...my daughter has put a lot of money, time and effort into making this a special day and I just don't want to take a chance that he would ruin it for her or me. I also don't want to have to spend 5 hours in a car and then a weekend at a hotel having to worry that anything I say might cause him to go off. There will also be alcohol flowing freely at the reception. Whenever he is home I am always on edge and avoid him as much as possible. I realize there is a lot going on here and none of it good, and a therapist could have a field day...should probably mention that I'm an RN who spent decades in ER nursing and am now in a position in my organization that I plan to be in until age 70 (God willing!)...my job is a saving grace right now! Financially it would be very difficult to split...we bought our home on the bubble and would be lucky to break even...don't think we could. I know I've made mistakes and am no where near perfect, but I also am not the reason he started drinking, nor am I really the root of his anger, but I am his target. I found this forum and some suggestions to cope (disengage, removing self, etc.) I figured out a long time ago, but I also now know I'm not alone and that is huge! If anyone has any suggestions as to how I handle the wedding issue I would be most appreciative. Just writing this is cathartic...was thinking of sending something like this to him in an email, but decided to post here instead
I think that was a wise move posting here instead. When I wrote to my wife about my feelings when she was in rehab, it really didn't do any good, and just fanned whatever latent flames she was trying to put out.
I agree with your sister, time to get some help. I'd recommend checking out the nearest Al Anon meeting. They can listen to you just like we are, and cam give you some literature and help you pull back from the insanity and make judgments that are good for you, and then be able to help stick to them.
Aloha Dd and welcome to the board...One suggestion you will hear a lot of here is attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your are and I will suggest that now also if you have not already. Without judging your alcoholic or yourself I can say that practicing the programs of recovery one day at a time will place an intervention in your own lives. Your picture that you draw of your alcoholic is pretty much my own and with practice of the entire program it is temporary. We do best living in the moment...the 24 hours we have right now and not wandering back into the past or forward into the future. Since his ex-sponsor is gone you cannot have the job with any positive expectations as you have been a default target for the disease for a long practiced time. Your practice of getting out of the way is a very good one...stay out of the way. Find local Al-Anon face to face meetings and go early...no excuses like your alcoholic's. You came here and found others like you and you will find the same in the rooms of Al-Anon. Sending na pule (prayers) from Hilo. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I can very well relate my marriage had
turned toxic and xah was dry just very
Displeased with me and himself.
My saving grace was i had been attending
Enough ftf alanon by the time he left i was
no Longer a doormat. He was attending AA.
It took me a long time to get there and i
Honestly dont know if i could have left
Sooner. I talked big, just dont know when
It came time if i could have left. I felt glued
In place.
Face to face alanon will help you greatly
There is lots of literature to read, i just
Sat and listened for a long time and also
Was in therapy. Both worked well for me.
I have checked the schedules for meetings and am planning to attend first one next Tuesday...I need a day time meeting because I think if he knew I was going to go it would make him angrier than he is. I also have some flexibility with my job and could get out for an hour a week. Funny thing is I know I'm considered a very strong, assertive professional woman, but don't yet have the nerve to tell him I'm going! Thanks for listening and if anyone has a suggestion re how to handle the wedding would love to hear from you...
I know that anxiety also and remember relating to my alcoholic/addict wife "I am not going for you...I am going for me". She left me alone and calmed down after that. Keep coming back and look into the twice daily meetings on the board. ((((hugs))))
Good on you going to a fftf meeting they help so much if
You go with an open mind. Its all about us getting better
And learning about the disease. Its not really about your
Qualifier, its learning how to heal and grow and being
Humble enough to get there.
If one is going to AA it is strongly recommended for the
Other to attend alanon. Just say you are going to learn
To cope or dont tell him anything if its not safe. That
Rage is scary.
I am glad you have your sister for program support.
Is it necessary to tell him? If so, why?
I'm not advocating dishonesty, but this is a good opportunity to check your motivation. Often, people think that telling their loved one that they are going to go to al-anon might be a 'wake up call". A continuation of the idea that 'if he could just see how much I am suffering, he will change'. It pretty much never works as far as I know. I'm not suggesting that you think this, just that sometimes people do.
Al-anon is for you, as you know, and if the thought of telling him about it is causing anxiety or you think it might lead to anger or turmoil, it's perfectly acceptable to keep it to yourself, or be less than specific. The alcoholic in our lives can assume that al-anon is all about talking about THEM and feel very threatened, and throw up all sorts of obstacles and make it really hard to attend by starting fights when it's time for us to leave for a meeting, or having a crisis or...well, you get the idea.
I told my partner that I was attending a group to help with my self esteem. That was perfectly true and didn't cause any arguments.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My ex was going to AA and he said Alanon
Thats full of alcoholic haters ! I dont know
If he was joking or not. They worry about
What is being said about them.
We all use our common sense or if you
Are not afraid of him tell him outright.
You need help to cope and alanon is
offering that Help so you can get better.
You do not need to discuss anything from
Your meeting. The most i said was it was
Good or okay today.
Many of us come from it and then marry
Into it wether its the dysfunction and/or
The disease itself. I have it on both sides
So lots of recovery needed outside of them.
Hey DDW - welcome to MIP ... so very glad you found us and so glad you found your courage to share. I too would suggest Al-Anon - it is where we learn more about the disease and the diseased. We also learn how to cope with the disease and how to take care of ourselves in spite of what they are or are not doing. If possible, attend as many meetings as possible and you will get some tools, suggestions and strength to cope with the upcoming wedding.
I know in my small world if my AH does NOT want to attend something, all who are there will know he is displeased. Having said this, I do not 'wear' this or take any ownership in it - it's his to manage/not, act upon/not, etc. Before Al-Anon, I wore shame, guilt, embarrassment and more over how he was/acted....and it truly robbed me or so much joy. Since I started the program, I have learned to work on myself, accept that I am powerless over others, and separate myself from his actions, words and attitudes. The program has given me the freedom to find joy in my life and to have peace of mind, whether he's with me or not.
You deserve to enjoy your life and there is always hope for change. Staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage will be a personal decision that you can make when you have clarity of mind. My AH doesn't 'rain on my parade' any longer as I just don't personalize what he does/says - even when it's personal. The program and recovery have taught me that often it is the disease which is ugly, and he's a sick person.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks to you all for support. I know there are no easy answers, but it is comforting to realize others can relate and know what I'm experiencing. I'll keep watching the forum...there are so many good people out there and so much good information. Seems "hugs" is the watchword, so hugs back to all of you
. He stopped the meetings about a year ago because he said they did nothing for him and I never saw any indication that he was working the steps. He did have a sponsor that I think he felt close to but unfortunately he moved away. The mood swings and anger especially came to a head this weekend...an innocuous question that I asked while he was repairing a faucet (how long do you think the water will be off?) caused an explosion. I did what I have come to learn to do...disengaged and left him alone. We were expecting my sister and her husband for a cook-out and three hours later he started berating me again about how "everything I do revolves around you, blah blah blah...). I pointed out to him that it was hours since that verbal exchange, but his face was red and distorted and I saw a look of total rage, hate and loathing in his eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time. He has never laid a hand on me and I don't believe he would, but I don't think I can ever forget his expression. I called my sister and cancelled the cook-out because the atmosphere is so toxic at my house. She is a recovering alcoholic that is working the program; she totally understood and has encouraged me to get help. Yesterday I did what I should not have done and tried to discuss what happened with him and suggested that he was a "dry drunk" and perhaps he should try to go to counseling. He refuses to do that...doesn't think he needs it and the discussion went no where. I now know it was not a good idea to throw out the "dry drunk" label, but can't get a do-over with that. We are both in a second marriage with three adult daughters between us, and my daughter (his step-daughter) is getting married at the end of July. I am dreading the wedding because I don't want him to go, but am not sure how to tell him...my daughter has put a lot of money, time and effort into making this a special day and I just don't want to take a chance that he would ruin it for her or me. I also don't want to have to spend 5 hours in a car and then a weekend at a hotel having to worry that anything I say might cause him to go off. There will also be alcohol flowing freely at the reception. Whenever he is home I am always on edge and avoid him as much as possible. I realize there is a lot going on here and none of it good, and a therapist could have a field day...should probably mention that I'm an RN who spent decades in ER nursing and am now in a position in my organization that I plan to be in until age 70 (God willing!)...my job is a saving grace right now! Financially it would be very difficult to split...we bought our home on the bubble and would be lucky to break even...don't think we could. I know I've made mistakes and am no where near perfect, but I also am not the reason he started drinking, nor am I really the root of his anger, but I am his target. I found this forum and some suggestions to cope (disengage, removing self, etc.) I figured out a long time ago, but I also now know I'm not alone and that is huge! If anyone has any suggestions as to how I handle the wedding issue I would be most appreciative. Just writing this is cathartic...was thinking of sending something like this to him in an email, but decided to post here instead
