The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently in Maui, Hawaii on a "vacation of a lifetime" and (after a quite rocky start) enjoying myself to the best of my ability. I am struggling with some things though and have been trying to use my program to help me with them. First, a family member (the one footing the major bill) has been horribly mean to me and degrading and sarcastic at every opportunity. With no sleep for over 30 hours (due to travel), I lost it on the first day here. I literally sobbed after a nasty verbal attack. Then, the next day, I forgot My medication (I am serious chronic pain) and had none for a very long day trip. I maintained (in agony) until I was alone with my RAH and daughter, but again lost it and cried from excruciating pain. I felt like I had let everyone down when I really wanted everyone to have a lovely time.
My RAH picked up some expensive gifts for me and several things for himself. I also had a lovely "time" pampering myself with a basic facial (my first ever). The products were amazing and, despite my hesitation, I bought some of them. Now this would have been ok, but I made an appointment for another day to have a more thorough evaluation done and the treatment they gave me was astounding (like the before and afters you see on TV and never believe). It was amazing, BUT the cost of the products was way out of my price range.
After much "consideration" and much thought, I decided to invest a substantial sum...way, way more than I ever thought possible. I started thinking about all of the times RAH just spent and spent and spent money for things I consider very, very unnecessary and downright foolish. So, I did something big for me. I know I should not feel guilty, because we can afford it, so long as we stop this foolish spending (and I figure out how to keep him from spending so much), but I am not feeling comfortable spending so much on me.
I am so afraid that my life is getting out of control because of this spending issue. I have tried to talk to my RAH about stopping his habit, but it does no good. Now, I am getting scared that I can't handle his spending on top of mine (because I don't usually spend like he does). I know these products will prevent an eyelid surgery I was supposed to have because one treatment already made the problem about 80% better.
I know asking advice is a no-no, but ESH on how to "get through" to a RAH, who is spending way beyond his means, without causing a serious estrangement or actually separating accounts would be very much appreciated. It seems he listens, but is simply not understanding that he is spending way more than he makes and this trip, along with another we have a few weeks after this one (also primarily paid for by another family member and unable to be cancelled) is going to put us in debt we simply cannot afford (unless he stops now). I don't want to loose the perfect credit I/we have (because his was horrible years ago and is going to be so again if he doesn't stop).
I know my HP will provide, but I also know he expects us to do our part.
Did Any of you double winners go through this spending frenzy after the first year of sobriety? And if so, how did you overcome the problem? Or, how did the spouses of RAH's overcome this problem (if you experienced it)? I think he believes he is saving $1000.00 plus a month on alcohol, so he should be able to spend it somewhere else, but other expenses have made that unrealistic at best.
Accepting that I am powerless over people, places and things really helped me to keep the focus on myself and take the appropriate actions to protect my financial and emotional security.
Try to enjoy this special vacation and take care of yourself.
DMB - I agree with Betty - owning your powerlessness and letting go is my best suggestion. I am one who has spent my life never living beyond my means, almost overly frugal. It's taken me years to be able to spend spontaneously without fear of economic insecurity. I am still not comfortable with it and rarely do it...my AH has spent freely for our entire marriage and I believe it's because he grew up with a large family, and they did not have much. He has no issue enjoying himself at any cost. However, I have learned through the program how to create a Plan B for myself, my retirement and my self-preservation.
One Day at a Time, try to enjoy yourself. Take care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both. A little sleep (very little) lol has helped me put this into perspective some. I "talked" to RAH about finances again today and told him it was time to sell some of the "toys" he does not use. I also told him I deserved having this product, as I am worth it and it is about time I take care of me. He is less than happy, but too bad! This too shall pass and it is his option to live with the new decision or not because I am not changing my mind. I despise paying interest, but I have a idea how to "fix" our dilemma. I can do whatever I need to because he refuses to listen to financial matters and I will fix the problem while looking out for us both.
Thank you for your kindness!
On the "bully", I do know it is just him and I am truly powerless over him, but I have to admit it still hurts badly when you are attacked over and over just for taking up air. I simply do not understand meanness for the sake of meanness, but that is his burden and I am laying it down.
One of the most powerful tools of recovery I use, from my sponsor is, "Don't React"!!. That helps my nervous system and attitude.
My wife just mentioned that she will make a list of places I can shop while she is gone and where I can get good deals on food and stuff and I almost laughed myself to the floor. I don't carry or use money a lot...she does and while I know that is the difference twix her and my habits I will get the list anyway. "I live off the aina" I told her..."the land" mostly. I was born and raised in Hawaii and know how to without requiring a college degree. Still I will get the list..."Oh well".
I'm over on the Big Island and if you were here we could go "harvest local kine Ai (food)". Be gentle with yourself ...you deserve it. Turn it over...Let go and Let God take care of it. ((((hugs))))
I love that you did something for you. I can relate very much to your post. The only spending I can control is my own. The minute I attempt to discuss logical spending is the minute a radical change gets decided and usually changes again. End result, can't rely on a set amount, can't plan jointly etc etc etc. It used to annoy the hell out of me to watch the way my ah wasted money. After he cut down on drinking, it went on eating out and more food than we could ever consume. Ridiculous. Not to mention the weight gain. But. Its out of my hands. Before coming to that conclusion though, I went on spending sprees of my own, probably a good two years worth, buying kids stuff. I figured if he could burn dollars on drinking, we weren't going to sacrifice on lifestyle. I try hard not to think about that now. Its just looking at what's mine and what isn't and trying best to keep them seperate. Hope the rest of your holiday goes well!
Hell my friends. Today is my last day in this Island Paradise :(. I have honestly enjoyed "most" of the trip, though I do have to admit I was in a blind panic last night over funds (for a while). This too shall pass.
While here, however, I found out that my sister had clear cut land adjoining some I own without even telling me. Many many year ago, when I didn't have two nickels to rub together and no credit, I had to cut timber there. My sister and her then husband literally sued me claiming the timber cutter took some of her trees. I had to pay 5 times the value of what she claimed I had cut, even though I know it was not true! It took over half of what I had made!
So, now without telling me, she has cut and cleared the area!!! I freaked out (not literally, but emotionally) when I saw photos texted to me by my cousin. My mother did not know either until she received a call from her sister. Of course, when I contacted my sister, I was not a happy camper and reminded her what she had done to me all those years ago. I am struggling here because she wants to put a house trailer on land that is some of the most valuable in the area (because it is completely unspoiled and undeveloped & in an area where people are really interested in building very, very expensive homes). No I don't plan to build there, but I intended to leave this property to my daughter, as it is the only land I have left from her genetic line! I am certain that there was a legal impediment to putting a trailer there, but I can't remember the exact regulations. Now I have to find out and do something and I really do not like to argue or fight with siblings! I love my family (simply because they are family), but we are extremely different!
This sister needs Alanon so much, as well as some other help because she lies almost all the time....so much so that I can never believe even one word she speaks anymore...and her immediate family is just as bad or worse. The trailer is to move her H's family (more of them because they come in droves) here! It makes me truly ill!
Oh how I wish I did not have to "man up" and deal with this. I just want to hide my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist! I can't allow myself to because it will ruin my daughter's inheritance and that is wrong!
So, I would honestly appreciate any prayers anyone will be willing to send my way. I ask only that God's Will Be Done and that He will lead me to make good and honest decisions, without malice. I will also pray for my sister that she will find peace and stop trying to "get over" or "steal" her way to happiness, because I do know she is a very unhappy person and I truly wish she could find happiness and honesty with herself and others. Lastly, I pray that God will give me the strength to do what he leads me to do and that I can licve with the consequences my actions will most certainly bring.
Mahalo (just 'cause I'm still in Hawaii)! Lol
Thank you (for my fellow Americans a others I don't know the language for!)
