The material presented
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Hi all, new poster, looking for advice. Ive known that my husband is an alcoholic for years. Decades probably, and its gotten worse over the years. I have been more vocal and we have been fighting a lot more over the past 5+ years. Last year I told him that I was done (after he had promised me many times that he would quit) and it was only when I threatened that with the divorce I would be going for full custody and over 60% of his paycheck--and rattled off numerous occasions that I would be willing to show that he was irresponsible, he said that he was going to rehab. And he did, he enrolled in an outpatient, which he didn't finish, didn't go to one AA meeting, stopped taking his medication after a couple of weeks and stopped seeing his therapist. I knew it wasn't smart, rode him about it, IMO was far far far from being an enabler, pretended to believe him when he would tell me that he stopped (but my inner voice would say something different). The wild mood swings were still there, the lazy nature was still there, nothing behaviorally would change. I actually said to him--"you know I thought that when you would stop drinking you would stop being an a****e. Now I realize you are just at the core, an a*****e, and drinking just amplified it. " I'm not proud of that, but it is true. I also feel as if I have(had) a wall up around me bc I know I have been lied to for years and also he is verbally abusive to me (see above, I realize I give it back) but when he started doing this to my kids (verbal abuse) I become protective of them and the momma bear comes out. It has not gotten physical with me, but he has pushed my teenage son and my daughter asked me if I thought he would hurt us.
We are still fighting regularly (at least 1x a week) and the other day my daughter (who is 12) said to me "don't you think its funny that dad goes into the bathroom with a glass of ice and comes out with a drink?--he's still drinking mom, it happens all the time." And it floored me. I went into the bathroom and found a pint of rum and a gatorade bottle. I left it on the kitchen table and didn't even yell--just said "you know, I'm really done with the lies. F-ing fix yourself". We didn't talk about it for the rest of the night. The next day he went to work, and her statement just kept repeating in my head, especially "all the time", which a pint wouldn't be all the time, that would be like 3 -4 drinks. So I went back into the bathroom and looked again and harder. In the closet there is an opening in the closet wall which is up near the bathtub plumbing. I went in there--and pulled out rum bottle, after rum bottle, after rum bottle after gatorade bottle, after diet coke....up in the wall, down into the floor. Over 20 bottles. I then face timed him at work and it went something like this: ring ring / I have my hand over the camera and all of the bottles are lined up on the bathroom countertop--he answers and I can see his face Me: "hey, I have something for you" him "what's that" me removing hand from camera: "Merry xmas m******r I found your stash"--and then followed it up with I can't remember what. His face winced and didn't say a word, then I hung up.
He came home from work and said that he is going into a 30 day rehab this week--he is working it through work. Which at this point, I could care less what he does. I don't know what I am going to do, except making a visit here and planning on going on Friday to an Al anon meeting near my house to start and most likely go back to therapy. However, what really prompted me to stop here was something he said to me today--and I'm really angry about it, but I am not losing my cool and won't engage in a fight. He said to me today "you know, Ive called a lot of people in the last couple of days to tell them that I'm going to rehab and you know what they all said that you *never* have is'how are you, and you aren't thinking about doing anything stupid are you'". I just turned and said "apples and oranges comparison. They haven't been living or married to you and dealing with this for years--but nice attempt at trying to place guilt or blame on me. Ain't happening--not sticking".
The problem is that it is sticking and I now do feel guilty. How can I be so far, in my mind, removed from an enabler (I don't even drink, I don't buy him booze, I have been more than vocal about my disapproval of it and his behavior) and yet bc I haven't had a compassionate tone of "how are you...you will get through this" I'm not supportive?!?
Seriously--what am I missing here?
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of May 2016 03:35:53 PM
I can understand your feelings of confusion, anger and doubt: they are familiar to someone like me who also lives with an alcoholic. I am glad you visited the board and completed the first part of your plan. For all you need to concern yourself with is yourself: your plan, your needs. His choices are his: you cannot control him nor are you responsible for supporting him in anyway other than what you are capable of. And right now, you need your support for yourself. Keep working your own program. That's the best possible way forward. Thinking of you and sending you support, long distance:)
Welcome to MIP cm2772 - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. Alcoholism is a progressive disease of the mind, body and soul. It's considered a family disease as it affects others beyond the drinker. I am glad to here your husband plans to seek recovery and also glad that you intend to go to a local Al-Anon meeting.
Living with the disease of alcoholism changes who we are and how we are. Many of us develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, and isolate from life and others. In Al-Anon, I found a group of others who understood and listened without judgement. We don't give advice, but share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so we can all learn how to find peace and serenity in spite of the disease and the diseased.
You are not alone - it's hard to love an alcoholic - please keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You asked what you are missing... what you are missing is just the sad fact that, that is what alcoholics do. Or at least mine. In my experience, he has to blame everything on someone else, and I am the most obvious candidate.
When he first got sober, we had been through a few brutal, crazy months. I did not know he was drinking (he was totally hiding it), and I was bewildered, freaked out and then frightened by his increasingly erratic behavior. I was relieved when I found out what the actual problem was, because I thought, now we can do somethign about it. An intervention was done, and he started AA and quit drinking, at least as far as I know. It lasted about six weeks. When he came home from an AA meeting and showed me his one-month sobriety chip, I congratulated him. I also told him that, while I was so glad he had been sober for a month, I did not have much to give him at that point - the recent months had really taken a toll on me, and I was just trying to pick up the pieces and move forward one day at a time. But, my honest words did not matter.
After six weeks, I walked in one day and he was drunk, napping. And ever since (it's now 2 years later), he has blamed that on me, has said that he picked up a drink again because "I was trying so hard, and it seemed like you didn't care." Counselors and others have told him he needs to do it for himself, not me, but no words stick. Still today, he constantly reverts to blaming me for not being supportive enough... "a guy needs a pat on the back once in awhile." Well, this is true, and has caused me to look at myself, and where I am not giving pats on the back. But I have also learned that no matter what I do, it is not enough, and I will be blamed when his words or actions lead to a spotlight being shined on him.
This topic - how to support an A - was the topic of discussion at one of our local Al-Anon meetings. Several members who are also AA members were pretty vocal about the fact that, with this disease, it isn't even possible to be supportive enough. To ignore that feedback, that if you were just more supportive, they would get/stay sober, because in reality, they need to do it for themselves. Well, I still have a hard time believing this - I struggle a lot with guilt over what I could have done - BUT I also know that nothing I did do worked! Nothing is ever enough. If I say the right thing, the tone is wrong. If the tone is right, the words are wrong. If I pat him on the back, he says, "I don't need praise." If I say nothing, it seems I don't care. I could go on and on, but I think you get it.
The long and short of it is, you have done the best you can with a very challenging situation. As you attend Al-Anon, return to therapy, or whatever, you can seek to do better for yourself but try to ignore the idea that you aren't supportive enough, because s long as he is active in this disease, nothing you do will be good enough.
Hang in there!!!
-- Edited by oceanpine on Monday 30th of May 2016 04:51:44 PM
GM, "you don't support me" is like the universal alcoholic statement when their back is up against the wall. I heard the same thing regardless of how unflappably suportive I was or not. Enabling? Who knows. Does not sound intentional but it doesnt really matter. You are not to blame for his alcoholism. Time for alanon for you to detach and heal up. He can find support enough elsewhere if need be and that is fine. There will always be people that "support" him better...whatever. He deserves support but it doesn't have to be from you.
I believe taking care of you and your kids is the priority now. Why the urgency to figure out if you enabled or not? How about healing, getting some perspective, and reclaiming your peace of mind?
I like your attitude, go to your face to face meetings
For you to get better. You can not fix or change him
Only yourself.
Detaching with love and good healthy boundaries are
Great tools as well as staying on your side of the street
And in your own hula hoop.
There are three daily readers to buy and generally a
Lending library. Embrace alanon to help you gain some
Clarity and take care of you and your children.
I have found that one of the man negative results of living with the disease of alcoholism I unconsciously developed destructive uncompromising attitudes. The introduction to alanon meetings state the fact "that we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it . I know that was true for me.
Working the Steps with a sponsor, searching out my part in every disagreement and checking my motives as well,helped me to let go of the negative protective shield i developed to cope with this disease. I then was able to begin to treat others with courtesy , respect and empathy regardless of whether I liked them or not.
I believe everyone deserves to be supported and treated with courtesy -- for my own principles and self respect.
I urge you to search out alanon meetings and attend
Glad you found us! I have gotten "Everybody supports me but YOU!" statement countless times. I don't have a spouse that is affected but our son is. As parents we stayed in denial for way to long. Long enough I was eventually brought to my knees begging for help & 2 days later I was lead to Alanon.
My Husband & I both come from very addictive families, we were going to do everything so very different to break the cycle & I think our denial was so strong was because we hadn't broken the cycle and couldn't bare to admit it.
Our son has been to Jail, Rehab, Homeless, then repeats the process over and over. He's OD'd countless times and all these things together was not a bottom for him.
They were a Bottom for me !!
Now when my son speaks of "support" he means, letting him live with us (without following our boundaries), and supporting him financially. He has never been serious about Rehab therefore he never learned more healthy coping skills nor has he grown emotionally. It is said they stop growing emotionally & socially at the age they start drinking or using. So when I speak to my son I am talking to a teenager rather than an almost 30 yr old man. What is there to "Support" if they are not working a program where they are learning how to live very differently. The people best able to support them when they get in recovery are their fellowship.
Learning how to cope in a healthy way with alcoholics/addicts started for me right here in Alanon. My coping skills didn't work anymore when my child became affected.
So in middle age, having lived with this disease all my life, Man I got thrown for a loop. It's a living breathing program. None of us got here over night & serenity doesn't happen over night. Here, Alanon is just for YOU! Learning how to take care of what you need rather than obsessing on others.
It's a simple program for complicated people.
As you move through your own program, know you are not alone anymore! You'll hear your story told in a hundred different ways, you will find you have choices you can't see yet, that you can detach with love from your husband, your possibilities are endless.
Being lied to for me was the worst, it would set me off like a rocket. Didn't matter lies come with the disease, if you feel in your gut you are being lied to then you are being lied to.
Keep Coming Back !
