The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son and I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and his 2 young girls. My boyfriend is former military (6 years in the Army and he had commanded 300 recruits at one point while he served: I believe he was a Captain)....anyway, he has a mentality that is: boys should be raised by their fathers to be men, to learn how to treat women right, to be providers, and to learn self discipline and efficiency and how to make it on their own. My XAH thinks those things too, but he's never taken the reins as a father and left it to me to be both mother and father to my son, which just isn't possible. So, my son is lacking in a lot of life skills and fatherly structure and it's really starting to show now as he enters his late teens. Throw in the fact that my son has ADD and some learning disabilities and he's definitely a bit behind on the maturity scale.
Anyway, my bf basically has taken it upon himself to start stepping in a bit to parent my son. Yesterday he told him, "5 job applications and if they aren't done by bedtime, you can sit outside on the front porch and I'll let you back in when they're done...."
Just a few days ago my son had a meltdown where he said he didn't feel comfortable at my bf's house. That is to be expected because I feel the same way to some degree and figure it will just take time. But, my son started beating himself up, saying that he has it so awful, that his life is crap, that he can't get past his ADD at times and that it frustrates him. He told me he didn't feel comfortable at his dad's (XAH's) house either because of the drinking. He was crying and whining and feeling sorry for himself and when he started to blame his father for his own attitude, I put a stop to that. Told him he needed to buck up and that life's going to beat you up a LOT in the next few years and that change is a HUGE part of these next few years. He had a few other issues that he brought up that I won't share here but I have my concerns about him today.
So, I told him that if things are still bad after 3-4 months with the bf at his house, that I will consider moving out and getting us an apartment. But, a friend of mine in program asked me, "So, you're letting your son's mild discomfort take away from your happiness again? How is that going to teach him to adapt and adjust? If you give up what makes you happy for your 17 year old son (almost 18) what message is that sending him?" ARGH.....I get where she's coming from. I have babied my boy, I have coddled him, and I have felt sorry for him because of his father and the fact that I stayed with an alcoholic for so long. I also felt sorry for him because of his disabilities. My bf thinks I need to raise my expectations of the boy and he's basically stepping in and trying to get my son to step up.
My issue is: how far do I let my bf push? Honestly, there's a part of me that is relieved that he has a male in his life who isn't going to put up with his laziness and who is going to place expectations on him beyond that which I am capable of. But, there's another part of me that fears he may push my son too far or push him away and that my son will be lost and won't be able to handle living at his dad's either. Then, I beat myself up for wanting this relationship for myself and for it to work because I love my bf. I love his girls and I love the home we are building and everyone else is happy and adjusting and loving this new family we have. Sigh.....it's just hard because I love my son, too, but I also feel like I've put so much aside to try to raise him well, protect him from the fallout of alcoholism, and manage his learning disabilities as well....and many times I feel like I've failed him.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
You've mothered alone and done a good job of being a mother. As much as we might do the practical jobs of fathering as well, we don't 'father" our children as single mums, (or, 'more or less single mums" if you know what I mean). You've managed all of this time without a 'present' father for your son and your son has grown to be who he is (almost an adult now) without a father present to guide him. He is who he is and he deserves as much credit as you do for having grown to where he is without that guidance.
I can't see any scenario where a young man of almost 18 will suddenly change and become 'like a boy who was raised with a strong father' by being suddenly treated like he is in boot-camp in his own home. He's learned the life skills he has and grown into the best person he could with what he had. Now he needs to move into adulthood and manage with the skill set that he has and take on his own journey.
Do you feel able to tell your bf to back off and cease with the high handed authoritarian stuff, if you wanted to? If you don't feel that you can have the final word in how your son is treated in your home, that raises a lot of red flags for me.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 30th of May 2016 11:53:32 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think your son may qualify for some job coaching and transitional sevices for kids that have disabilities. Job coaching and such. I like that he is getting a dose of reality, but reality is also he may need assistive services to a degree in his adult life and it is unclear how independent he may become. He has more than ADHD. Tourettes is big...and maybe depression too. Not saying this to worry you, BUT I think your BF could use a little more knowledge about Tourettes and the overlap between that, depression, OCD and other learning disabilities. He could also use a weekly therapist and some independent living skills classes and social skills training and you might look for those teferrals through a therapist in your area. He has been sheltered a lot...true and I would NOT bash yourself for that, but you can't step out of the case manager role with him without a real one stepping in. Get more professionals involved and more community resources.
I have known some magical wonderful people who, at 17, had mild difficulty dealing with some aspects of their lives. They did not react well to authority figures but they were so generous when they felt that they were being empowered and trusted.
Over the years these sparkling marvellous folks picked up a few awkward ways of coping, ways that made their life more difficult for them in the long run. So I love Pinkchip's suggestions of classes in independent living and can see how these would have helped my friends when they were setting out to explore the world on their own.
I think the best thing you've done for both yourself and your son is setting a 3-4 month trial period for living with your boyfriend and his kids. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am feeling sad and troubled about this scenario because I have recently been talking to two friends who went through divorces. Their kids (who were teenage at the time of the divorce) told them that they felt abandoned by their parent - in both cases it was their dad - because their new stepmother was very hard on them and their dads did not intervene. This agreed with what I have read, which is that it is better for adjustment and non-resentment if the biological parent is the one to do the discipline, of course with the backup of the non-biological parent figure.
I remember being a kid and being told "Just do X!" And I had no idea how to do X. It seemed obvious to the grown-ups but it was completely baffling for me. They would say, "You know how to do X! It's clear as day! Just do it!" And then I felt ashamed of not knowing how to do it, and as if I couldn't reveal that I didn't know how to do it. Even very simple things. I especially did not know how to get over or cope with fear of doing things for the first time. Filling out an application just had me scared and baffled. And it felt like there was no one I could go to for help.
Ages 17-20 are pretty scary and full of new things. And it sometimes does feel like the whole world knows what to do but you. I would think that threats would make your son shut down more and be more afraid of revealing his "inadequacies." I can see that your partner is trying hard with the only skills he has (motivating people by ordering them around). I fear that would cause resentment and stubbornness from any teenager, but especially from a teenager in a newly blended family situation, and especially a teenager with some challenges and learning difficulties. In my observation, this isn't you catering to your son and him having silly emotions, but facing the very real challenges of this period of life.
I'm sure you've read all the ADD books as I have (having a child with ADD too), and you know from long experience that ADD folks can't just "sit down and get to it" in the same way as the rest of us. I have to confess that like a lot of folks, I didn't believe in ADD until I had family members with it. I thought it was just "people being scatterbrained and not getting their act together." Now I know that if they could get their act together by sheer willpower, they would.
I hope you can figure out some strategies for moving forward and for setting appropriate boundaries, for both the men in your life.
(((andromeda))) - transition and change is always hard and brings about fear for everyone....my sons often joke and say that, "They learned how to be a man from their mother", which makes me cringe some days and proud of myself other days. We do the best we can with what we have, and you've done a great job. I agree with PC - because of his ADD and other, he may qualify for some assistance with job searches, job training, etc.
There is no perfect path for our children just as there is no perfect path for ourselves. I know how you feel about your BF as well as how much you love your son. It's been you and your boy for a long while, and no he's got to share you. That is just one of many changes, and whether he's ready or not, he will be of adult age (18) soon. I know my boys were very stressed at this stage - HS pressure, peer pressure, pre-adult pressure, etc. Only you can determine and decide if new boundaries are necessary with one or both of your men.
I put my boys ahead of my own joy and life for a long while, and it did not bode well in the long run. They are less mature than many their age, and I don't know what part of it is my 'parenting' vs. their addiction. I may never know but if I had it to do over again, there are things I would do different, and one is certainly to teach them more life skills, coping skills, etc. Life is not easy and there are many events/situations that are unpleasant and challenging.
You are processing well - keep processing and I am sure the answers will come. I will keep you all in my prayers and send positive thoughts your way.....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm beginning to think that I made a mistake and I haven't even unpacked a lot of my boxes.....
One minute I'm hopeful that my son will settle in and that I can get my bf to back off....
Then the next minute, I feel that it would be easier for us if I lived alone and tried to single parent....
Then I think that this will be a big adjustment and that maybe I just need to give everyone time....
I wish I had all the answers.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
All the answers or at least a crystal ball - right? When life baffles me, I tend to remember that I am not deciding between good and bad, it's between current and different. It helps - not everything is right/wrong or good/bad. We can never have perfection - also, your BF and his children are adjusting too......use your program and your tools - the answers will come!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maybe "When In Doubt, Don't" applies here to your BF and your BF should "Don't" for a specific period (maybe three months or whatever) until everybody has gotten more settled into the routine of things and you two are in agreement about what his parameters are. Not that I should tell you what to do; I'm just trying to think which tools apply to the situation. I know everyone probably wants to hit the ground running, but too many adjustments over a short period of time would leave anyone reeling. And your BF sounds like a "Can do" kind of person, which can be a very motivating kind of person to have around, but maybe too much for a period in which the dust just needs to settle. I feel like I am giving advice which I shouldn't be doing, so as always, take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you had all the answers too Then you could enlighten me, too!
My thoughts are similar to Matties, but she said them much more eloquently than I could have. I am wondering to what extent you and your bf discussed, ahead of time, who would parent, and how they would parent. Do you have a pretty clear understanding of that, as it applies to both you (and his girls), and him (and your son)? It is my understanding, from reading about how to successfully blend families, that the biological parent continue to doing the bulk of the parenting/discipline, until trust and a bond have been established between the step-parent (and yours is not yet that) and the child/ren.
And having had quite a few friends come into the picture as step-parents to children that were already quite far along in life (tween, teen and older), I have heard what a delicate position it can be to be the step-parent. Most of my friends learned the hard way, that trying to parent your significant other's children can be a no-win situation. They usually end up stepping back, and letting the biological parent do that work, hopefully with a lot of discussion between the 2 adults (out of kid earshot) about what kind of parenting is going to happen, so the step-parent can mainly back up the other parent. Have you been surprised by the degree to which your bf is coming down on your son, or were you in agreement ahead of time?
I totally get how your son "should" be at a certain point in life by now - in terms of skills, etc - but the reality is that he is not. Just like sooo many other things that come out of life with an A, there is how we wish things were, and how they are. I fear that this sudden switch to bootcamp could end up building distrust between your son and your bf, and also weaken his bond with you, his sole functional and healthy parent. This is not to say he should be totally eased up on, but perhaps in a much more transitional, supportive way?
That said, you deserve to be happy, to have a relationship that supports you. Before jumping into making this a trial period, I would want to look at how a transition could happen that would try to meet everyone's needs, at least somewhat. Instead of giving your son the power to force a move, all or nothing, how about identifying the ways in which everybody can support this transition?
You know what OP? We talked about all of the issues and I expressed my concerns and reservations but, obviously, he either didn't hear them or he blew them off. In some cases, he actually honestly answered, "I don't know...we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it"
All in all, I feel like I'm in a supportive caring relationship but I know the realities of life and what lies ahead for my son....my son, DOES NOT. His perspective is from that of a 17 year old ACOA who has some learning challenges as well. He has been emotionally abused and even traumatized at times, and it will take time for him to work through his own issues and I can't fix that or control that for him because his walk is his own. He needs to own that and we've discussed it at length.
I did take him to an Al Anon meeting on Friday and I think it really helped him. He needs to keep going even if I don't accompany him. I have a few guys in program whom I think he should reach out to, as well. He needs the support system that I had when I got free from the bonds of this disease and the fallout from codependency.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thats hard. Of course you deserve happiness and you deserve your relationship and its wrong to put your life on the backburner for anyones sake. Your son is becoming an adult and will most likely fly the next at some point in the near future. However, your boyfriend cant fix all that he perceives is wrong with your son and that would concern me. I dont really like someone, anyone coming in and presuming I didn't or couldn't do a good enough job and therefor they need to step up. Pretty arrogant attitude if you ask me. It might be time to set your bf straight when it comes to your son. I dont really have any experience in this area so take what you like. I am just at a point where Ive done so much work on myself that no-one is going to come into my life and make presumptions that I need help with any area of my life.
Maybe its that old faulty programming. Society says women are the weaker sex, bollocks and that a woman needs a man to help/fix etc. Eh No! Think about what you have achieved. You have gotten yourself out of a crazy marriage, set up on your own despite how scary that is. Worked around all the logistics, made a living for yourself all outwith your comfort zone. This is all soul food, feeding your self esteem and raising your confidence. Dont let any man or anyone come in and set up the doubts, your doubts as a Mother. You know deep down your great at it. Yes youve made mistakes but do you really need another person to come in and sort it all out for you? No, and if you let him then I dont see how thats a good foundation for your relationship, resentment may start to build. Can you sit down with him and tell him you want to deal with your son and if hes got a problem then maybe he needs to talk to you first and you both talk over the solutions like a team rather than him deciding your son needs his firm hand. Otherwise, this guys going to dominate, take control etc all sounding like pretty unhealthy behaviours that is not good for you. Your a strong woman dont let anyone presume your weak.
Sorry I have been so busy and haven't checked back in with you. I am 2 weeks from our move to being a blended family and my boyfriend is also stepping up with my 7 year old and her behaviors, which made for a very difficult weekend. He blames me and I know coddling has not helped, however things are how they are and we have come a long way and change takes time and I explained that. I am moving forward and going to let time take time, but I am advocating for my child and hoping Jon over time will understand that her attitude isn't going to change day one because we all moved in together. My 18 year old wants to have a sit down with us before we move in together about how we can better parent my little one, which I am very open to, because she is so patient and loving with her sister, which I am not always great at. I lose my temper more lately with the stress of my new full time job, commuting and my little one acting out more. At least my boyfriend stays calm even when he is upset, I have to work on that big time. I have been moody and feeling unsure about everything, but I am not having red flags so I am moving ahead with it all. Keep me updated.
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 31st of May 2016 10:03:42 AM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yes, El Cee....my bf and I need to have a talk. There is a fine line we're both walking here and he needs to back off on the disciplining and allow me to do so, but I also need his male influence in my son's life. I do believe that boys need a strong male figure in their lives and I don't mind my bf treating my son just as he treats his daughters. If he barks orders at them to clean up their dinner plates, I expect my son to get reprimanded too if he leaves the dishes on the table. But, when it comes to discipline and expectations, that's where I need to ask him to step back.
I know my bf has the best intentions as he does with his own kids and his kids will tell you that he is very strict, but at the same time they love him and they are a very loving family. He hugs his girls and dotes on them, he wraps his arms around them daily and tells them he loves them daily. He dotes on me, as well, and sets a good example for my son as to how to treat a woman. My son thinks he's a good man and actually likes him a lot.
My bf has never come out and attacked my parenting. He agrees that I did the best I could as a 'mother' but he thinks my XAH failed my son as a father figure and I wonder if that's where the bf is coming in and deciding on his own accord to step in and take control. I couldn't be mother and father to my son and my bf sees my son lacking in certain life skills that probably needed a man's touch. I know I dropped the ball on teaching him life skills because it's pretty obvious when my kid doesn't even know what a bread knife is or how to screw in a lightbulb....and I'm not kidding......I never taught him simple things. I did everything myself in my marriage and never asked my son to learn what it was that I was doing. I just pushed him aside and did it all and then patted myself on the back for a job well done and said, "What a great martyr I am....."
Today I don't need to live like that and I value what a good man can bring to a relationship. I just need to talk to my bf about his role and ask him to talk to me first before laying down any laws or expectations and to let me decide if they are reasonable or unreasonable. It will take time and, honestly, I have no idea if it will work at all in the long run. This thing called life is just one big experiment!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
As someone who has ADHD and has also been in the military I see both sides. The thing about ADHD that most people don't understand (much the same way most people don't understand living with alcoholism or even other learning challenges) are the accompanying issues that you might not associate with ADD, namely low self-esteem. With ADHD you lack a certain attention to detail which means you miss social cues and end up lacking social skills. Self esteem takes a hit. Studying is extremely difficult unless you have a bomb shelter you can retreat to with absolute quiet. Grades can suffer, self esteem takes a hit. People with ADHD are typically a little clumsy and not physically coordinated, and at 18 that could also be an issue, especially for boys. And on and on. It wasn't until I was 40 years old, sitting with a therapist during my divorce that I realized I needed assertiveness training (my dad was also largely absent), social skills training, and to address my self esteem issues (granted at the time it probably had more to do with my divorce than latent issues). And that's totally okay...a lot of people need help with something.
I think low self esteem is a tricky thing to address in someone else (and forgive me if I'm being presumptuous as I'm certainly not qualified to diagnose anyone's emotional state). I feel it takes a certain finesse and meeting someone where they're at to have an influence. It's nice to want to treat all of our kids the same but the reality is that they are all different and what works for one might not work for another. You know him better than anyone and in situations like this, my money is on the maternal instinct guiding the ship through choppy waters. I do think your son could benefit from the structure your bf provides as well as the male bonding they might eventually enjoy. Or not...who knows? Best of luck in a tricky situation, and I do hope your son eventually finds the label of ADHD empowering someday. There are some real strengths to having it and I wouldn't trade my brain for anyone's!
Knowing what I know now, I would insist on counseling to help with the issues of blending families. I would not have moved my bf in without a couple of sessions with a counselor and some deep thought about putting my daughter through the hell of living with bf/ex-AH. I almost lost her and would have if she'd had anywhere else to go - I endured a year of angry silence after he left the last time and it took a lot of talking to get back on solid ground - if she had had anywhere to go, and left here in anger, I probably would never get the chance to reconcile with her again.
I did have daughter in counseling and it helped immensely, counselor was HER advocate, not someone I could push around and she helped me to understand things from her perspective, as well as teaching some simple techniques on how to keep a disagreement from turning into a battle.
And - I've been alone for over five years now and I'm not sure I would ever want to give up my corner of space/freedom in the world, something to be said for having my own space to breathe in.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you all for the input. My son is in counseling but it was once a month and I suggested to him that he increase his appointments to weekly as we go through this transition. I'm leaving that up to him. The Al Anon meeting last Friday was definitely helpful, as well.
This past week was much better. Actually, my bf had my son do some work for him yesterday and my son felt empowered and told me that he enjoyed doing it and that it felt good to be productive. I think things will settle down. When my son walks in the door, my bf's girls sing his praises and greet him with hugs and love and want to share their lives and their space with him. I'm hoping that this makes things easier for him. He sees that my bf's girls love their father despite his disciplinarian ways. He sees that they have balance. I think Al Anon meetings are a great place for my son to get some help as well.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Aha......it's that letting go and letting God vs. trying to force an outcome I see in action. I believe you are wise to allow him some time to process all this. As much as we (momma's) want to protect our young, the world is larger than us and we must let them go for them to learn. Keep doing your thing and be an example and it will be as it's supposed to be.
(((Hugs))) - glad to hear things have settled a bit - progress always, not perfection...right?
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Then you could enlighten me, too!