Over the weekend, my bf told me that he is going to try to get in touch with his kids.

It's a complicated history, and, I felt I had some 'truths" to tell him (he gets it into his head to try to contact them every few years, then makes some crazy promises and then, no follow through). So, my "inner advisor" wanted to tell him, you've had your chance multiple times; I think you need to leave them to their lives and let them seek you out when they are adults, if they want to. Nope, he has schemes where he will set them up bank accounts and put money in if they get in touch with him. There's always an angle, some way he thinks he might get in touch and "hook" them into getting to know him. 

Well, I think it's unkind of him; as long as he is the way that he is- an active alcoholic with no ability to follow through on what he says, he ought stop making these binge-efforts to get in touch with them, causing a big fuss and arguing with their mothers and then not making any further effort even if the possibility of contact is offered. 

I wanted to say this but, of course I didn't. Not my circus.

Anyway, I used to get deeply involved in this situation. I wasted so much time tracking down and making contact with these 2 ex girlfriends (who are friends with each other) and a third ex who does not have children with him but seems to want to feel included. It became an insane situation, a lot of abuse and craziness directed towards me and me playing the poor martyr in the middle...."I was just trying to help" I would wail. Good grief. 

One of them (the one with whom he doesn't have kids) was 'the love of his life" when I first knew him and when she started contacting me (and him) it became a nightmare. Prank calls day and night, endless messages to me telling me what a nasty guy he is, alternating with 'proof' that he will always love her and not me, messages to him begging him to meet with her, your run of the mill obsessive codependent insanity. Boy did I learn my lesson.

Anyway, he called me before. He wanted me to know that he can't find a way to contact the woman with whom he has a child so he is going to call the nasty ex to see if she can help him with a phone number or to pass on a message, and, he wanted to let me know in case she tries to contact me. He wants me to know it's about trying to make contact with his kids and he has no interest in anything else.

Now all of this is fine. I appreciate that he is upfront with me. For all the issues and drama and abuse that have gone on over the years, I do trust that he is honest when it comes to fidelity; it's a real thing with him. 

What strikes me about the whole situation is how little it worries me. I told him that I will be please for him if it works out the way he wants and he can build a relationship with his kids but aside from that, I don't want or need to know about his contact with his exes. I trust him, and it's his business. I on't want to hear about it unless he is going to see one of his kids, in which case, yay, tell me how it goes!!!

Anyway, when we ended the call I was really pleased with how very serene I felt. I checked my facebook privacy settings to make sure that I can't be contacted by anyone unknown to me and more or less blessed the situation and went back to what i was doing. It's hard to imagine how embroiled in it all I was in the past. I got into some really inappropriate conversations with these women in the past and then spent months worrying that they would show him the conversations or tell him something negative I had said about him. Or that he would fall in love with the nasty chick again or something. Once upon a time, I would have been imagining the end of the world. It's like remembering a different person; who WAS I, that this stuff used to be the most upsetting, terrifying stuff in the world to me?

I'm so grateful for my progam, and all of you lovely al-anon people, and for the fact that I now know which circuses and monkeys are mine and which are not, and how to stay in the now if the future starts turning nasty in my head. What precious gifts.

Thank you all, and hugs.

(((everyone)))