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Can anyone offer ESH or insight into this part of the Serenity Prayer? What do I do, when I need to make a decision, and lack the wisdom to know the difference? Because a little voice is always whispering that I *can* change more than I think... especially if I act perfect, a martyr, in a way different than I am, etc. So there is an unending internal conversation/tug of war going on.
It seems to be my lifelong struggle and puzzle, as it regards people. Especially in love relationships.
I live with a lot of guilt and self-blame that, if I just did things differently, the outcome would be different. I beat myself up when the outcome is not what I want, especially in a love relationship. I think I have tended to believe "change the things I can" include much more than I truly can change.
Being in relationship with an A magnifies it.
I remind myself that he is still drinking, hiding it, not going to counseling, lukewarm on AA, and does not understand the concept of accountability. Yet still - a part of me believes we could make it work - if I can control the situation enough to change it. I do NOT mean controlling his behavior - just my own - but in ways that feel like they are beyond my capabilities. I would have to be an angel, a martyr, live in a way I do not want to live with another.
My thinking feels fuzzy on this - I hope I am explaining it clearly enough.
When you consider the thing you want to change, do you then start to try to imagine 'what he/she/they' will do in response and how that might or not work and....
Then it's probably not something it would be wise to try to change or, the motivation s wrong.
IF when you imagine it, you are concerned with your own serenity and peace of mind and you feel that will be improved if you do the thing...then, that's probably a good change to make!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I do know that what I hope to change will not increase my peace and serenity - unless I am able to become a perfect angel. (And there is always a little voice whispering that maybe I could become one, and if not, this is all my doing/my problem.) It's exhausting!
I can sure relate to that.
When i look back on it, I was already making super-human efforts to be nice and detached and perfect, and the more 'perfect" I was, the worse things got.
When I stopped trying to be "perfect" and started putting me, and my needs and health and serenity first, then things got better, for me and for those around me.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
For me, the wisdom in knowing the difference comes with understanding what belongs to me and what belongs to someone else. Does the thing I want to change have my name on it? Does it involve my own personal behaviors or someone else's? Is it my own thinking I want to change or someone else's? Is there something I could change about the way I'm handling something that would make me feel better or safer?
If the thing I want to change is about someone else, then the wisdom of this program will help me see that I must let that go. And when I let go of living someone else's life, I am ready to find recovery in my own. The wisdom of knowing the difference always points me back to myself.
I gain the "wisdom to know the difference" by examining my motives, defining my part(responsibility ) in the situation, praying , taking it over and reasoning it out with my my sponsor, and listening to the still small voice within. i give myself permission to make a mistake and then act, knowing that i can learn from all experiences.
Hi there,
thanks for the post. Sounds like that little voice in your head is really hard on you! I can relate. I have a similar little voice in my head. It used to be a lot louder but now it only sneaks up on me once in a while with similar messages that if I was only a better this or that things would be different. I've learned over time not to give those overly self critical thoughts too much validation. A kind and caring sponsor and a peaceful and kind concept of a higher power have helped me with this. My sponsor often validates me for things and reminds me that I am WAYYYY too hard on myself. And I need that reminder sometimes daily because that people pleasing beating myself up stuff is so ingrained in me.
Being a perfect angel sounds like an impossible standard to reach and even if you did reach it would you have to stay that way the rest of your life? Is that reasonable? Is it even possible? or desirable? Should one person's sobriety rest solely on the behavior of another person? You're allowed to be imperfect. We all are.
The best thing I ever did for my AH was to start focusing on myself and get out of his way. I can't say that he is sober but I can say that he seems to (sometimes reluctantly) take more personal responsibility. I think it is because I stopped internalizing every criticism that came out of his mouth. Stopped anticipating his needs and enabling his drinking. Stopped arguing with him when he was drinking. I didn't do these things to be a perfect angel. I did them because I started to care about me and my wellbeing.
As for the bit of the wisdom to know the difference. I think that's something that is always evolving. The longer I am in the program the list of things I can control gets very small (mostly focused on my own behavior, actions and attitudes) and the list of things I cannot control gets huge. Sometimes I actually make lists of things I can control and things I cannot in a given situation.
For me, when I say/use the Serenity Prayer, all 3 elements go together.....I am asking for peace to accept and courage to act and wisdom to determine which is mine and which is not. So, that 3rd line helps me remember that it's not my will I am after, but instead my HP's will. So - the wisdom is a request from me to HP to give me peace of mind to see my part. This was very, very hard for me to do before the program, steps, sponsor and practice...
Hope that helps - this prayer for me is like all other suggested tools - practice, practice, practice. My shortened version is, "Bless Them, Change Me."
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oceanpine, I think you actually resolved this for yourself. You do have "the wisdom to know the difference." At the end of your post you said - I would have to be an angel, a martyr, live in a way I do not want to live with another. You're identity would be in reaction to alcoholism if you put any of these things into action. Many of us have done this and lost ourselves for years. You have the awareness the wisdom to know the difference between actively living your own life rather than living for someone else. To Thine Own Self Be True.
Ocean.. in my humble opinion, the most loving thing we can do in support of our own sanity and as an example to the alcoholics in our life is to keep recovering in Alanon to keep working the program. We're powerless over the alcoholic's choices but it's not our job compensate for insanity. We can pray, have some gratitude each day and try not lose sight that there's always hope.
Practicing loving detachment can be hard sometimes. Some people in Alanon say it helps to picture the word "sick" on the alcoholic's forehead. I like to picture the disease of alcoholism as a big noisy vacuum. You can't be heard over a big noisy vacuum and you have to be careful not to get sucked in
Thanks for sharing and being here. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am going to reflect upon your responses, and may have questions.
I wrestle with this question (how to recognize what "the wisdom to know the difference" looks like - to know what to let go of, and what to try harder on). In this particular case, I am really really wrestling with what to do about my marriage. For my kids' sake. For their sake, I really really want them to have an intact, loving family, with a loving and respectful bond between the parents. I want them to have that modeled for them. My own parents modeled loving parents, but there was no modeling of how to have a successful relationship. My husband and I promised we would put our marriage bond first, before our kids, which was not done in my childhood home. It was an insecure feeling, to know my parents were putting us above their relationship, and I desperately wanted our story to be different. Turns out I don't really know how to do that! And now, here we are... 15 years married, and our recent years that have been impacted by first, paranoia/suspicion/accusations (from him) and then alcoholic behavior and my stressed responses, that have really worn down the bond of love.
Even typing this, I see... what I WANT (as stated above) is not reality. It's not what I have. And, back to my statement in my first post, I don't see any way to get to that kind of relationship with active A behavior. I would have to give up myself. I'm not that strong, that wise, or that patient.
The days lead more and more to the sad conclusion that this relationship has run its course. I am heartbroken for my children and terrified at the implications.
Thank you again for your insight and wisdom, and reflecting back what I am trying to figure out.
