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Such a strange, new but not new place that my partner and I are at.
He is working, comes to visit with the nicest of intentions, says he is so very sorry for the horrors that occurred in the past and, they will never happen again. The goal, according to him, is to work towards living together again.
Which would be hunky dory with me IF anything real had changed. But it has and it hasn't. He is sorry and remorseful for eveything that happened BEFORE but he cannot equate that with what happens NOW which means, things carry on as usual.
I don't know why he insists on drinking when he comes here as he swears he 'only drinks on payday" at home (once every 2 weeks) and his brother says the same thing (he's doing great, he hardly ever drinks now). Yes that's marvelous but he drinks and gets drunk EVERY TIME HE COMES HERE.
I feel helpless and angry about it. I will have to say he cannot visit and that feels so sad when we had made so much progress but I cannot stand to feel scared and vulnerable and disrespected in my home and I know that the pattern/cycle/ whatever/ gets worse, not better.
So a week ago he came over saying he would mow the lawn which is lovely of him. He picked up my daughter from school on his way here which was great as i was running late. However once he had dropped her home he went to buy beer. Just a 6 pack he says....which he drank very quickly and was drunk and annoying, harrassed me to buy him more (nope), started a fight and went home (so he could continue drinking).
Sigh. He mowed about 1/2 of the front part of the lawn that day too.
I didn't mention the incident but he kept bringing it up over the phone and trying to 'explain" that "he was just frustrated because he wanted us all to sit down and eat together" (he was being an impossible pain in the ass actually and we wanted him to shut up a lot more than we wanted to eat anything). I told him this morning, when he brought it up again that I did not want to discus it but, I am done with him coming to my house, drinking as soon as he gets here, and then being an ass.
He said OK, no problem. Then he came to "finish the lawn" (and swore, no drinking at my place). I had to go to the dentist; he said he would arrive in time to drive me, I said OK fantastic as I don't like to drive straight after anasthetic when I am dizzy and groggy. So he turned up and i could tell he had already had a drink- not drunk, just loud and talking a mile a minute and having conversations with himself, at me. He gets hyper when he starts drinking, like he's all excited that he's decided he's going to get drunk or something. I find him intollerable when he is like that.
Anyway when we arrived back I saw he had beer in the back; he said "just one while I mow the lawn" and I said "any more and you have to leave" so he mowed another small patch of the lawn, babbling and driving me up the wall, snuck in 5-6 beers from his car while he was at it and then went into town to buy himself a radio. Came back with dinner for everyone which was appreciated, kept himself nice and went to sleep.
So last week when he was mowing the nature strip, the lady next door came home and he said to her in annoying loud drunk voice "I'll do yours too for $15 and she laughed and said no thanks. Theirs is really long too, but that's their business.
So today, he was talking very loudly so they could hear about how he stopped mowing exactly at our fence line instead of doing the 4-5 inches on their side of the fence before their driveway begins because "screw them" etc. It was so stupid, he's never even met them before and now has a chip on his shoulder because they didn't agree to pay him to do something they didn't ask him to do in the first place? Gah.
Anyway, it's sad and frustrating because he's made so much effort in so many ways but the trying to force me to accept him drunk and act like nothing happened is just the same old garbage and the hiding drinks and sneaking them is a new and absurd variation on a very old theme.
I am caught between loving all of the positive changes and the fact that I can't tolerate the crap not force my daughter to endure it. And I know I can't change it and I can't have everything the way I want it, and I have to order from the menu, and I need to assess my boundaries about this before it goes from annoying to dangerous.
And I feel sad about it. Nice, caring, generous and helpful him is so, so nice to have in my life. Drunk Mr Hyde is just too much of a price to pay though.
Sad face.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I'm sorry this is your experience. I wish I had some ESH to share, but truthfully, I get an anxious stomachache just reading it and picturing it. But it sounds like you know what you need to do next, in looking at your boundaries, and protect you and your daughter from the nuttiness. I wish you the best in doing so! And would love to hear what you decide on (re boundaries).
Your phrase "order from the menu" is great - and connected for me to my own post of a few minutes ago.
The back and forth is art of the irrationality. When my wife is active, I hate coming home from work, because it's a crap shoot as far as whether she is getting drunk. Typical MO for her is to drink about 3/4 of 750 ml just before I get home, so when I get home, she is just starting the things that trip of my "drunkdar", and then it's downhill from there until she passes out after having hardly talked and making inscrutable facial expressions at dinner. Within 20 seconds of seeing her for the first time I can tell one way or the other.
So my rides home are sometimes tense. Until I remember to let it go.
Sounds like you will have to decide whether it's worth it even having partially nice BF there or not.
Funny how we are so in-tuned and wary as to what the "weather" is that day. Without even SEEING my AH or really even hearing much, when I walk in the house after work, I can sense his "aura" of good or bad. I am now coming home with strategies and plans for what I will do if I can tell within seconds, it isn't going to be too great.
Your BF's situation still sounds very chaotic to me. You still don't quite know what you are going to get when he comes over. Only you can decide if his nice moments outweigh the not so nice. That's the decision we all struggle with, isn't it?
Many days I can tell as I pull in the garage. If the stereo is blasting, AH is blasted as well. I am still learning to let go and let God. If I don't let go, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just thinking about what I may find. That can't be healthy for anyone.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I've been in alanon for 3 years and I am still amazed about denial and rationalization. I guess I have to add lying to my amazement also. I think the A's live in a separate reality and they think or wish we were in it with them. Prior to alanon I was in a living hell/nightmare. Now I can be happy and sane some days. But I cannot, and must not, ever think, that my A is in my reality. We live in separate universes. Yes it's extremely sad about our marriage, but I am fine much of the time as more and more I break codepency. Alanon has changed my life and I am ever so grateful everyday, Lyne
(((MissMel))) - so sorry that you're where you are....I believe in my world, the longer I work the program and the saner I become I respect me more than before. Many behaviors, words, discussions, etc. that were once unacceptable, and then become acceptable because there were worse things going on become unacceptable again - we grow up and apart, especially if those we're enmeshed with are not moving forward.
In my world, I have had to sit down with my sponsor many times and have the discussion about acceptable/unacceptable, motive, boundaries and lastly - my expectations. I have spent a lifetime assuming that others match me in views on love, respect, honor, integrity, etc. and it's just not realistic. When I am truly bothered by the actions of another, it is often time to revisit my boundaries. I try, to the best of my ability, with the help of my sponsor to take each life situation and match it up with a step or principle of this program. This is so very helpful for me in determining what my part is, what my motive(s) is/are and what might be my best next step.
I continue to prune people from my life in a casual way. What I mean by this is I take a step back, assess the relationship, do some step work on it, and determine if this is a healthy person I want to align with. This works well for non-family and I've let some "friends" go and added new people in my life that better align with where I am and where I'm going. With family, once I examine the relationship and my motives, it's easier to recognize that it is only blood that bonds us, and I can be respectful, kind and caring because of that.
You will work through this, you've moved mountains in this program before. Hang in there - I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all. It was a pleasant weekend after all of that; he got up early and went and bought all of my favourite things to make breakfast etc, and was a delight to be around for the next day. He went home on Sunday night. These lovely efforts don't extinguish the insane drinking behavior though. I've worked too hard on my serenity and self acceptance to allow crazy to start invading my home on a regular basis. I don't know how i am going to proceed yet, only that I can't and won't just let it all slide back into the sewer again.
I don't know if he either drinks every day now and has concocted a fantasy world where he 'rarely drinks" because his brother and his fiance work constantly and he is alone a lot of the time (likely, I guess) and thus he can't manage even one alcohol free day to come and see me, or, the alternative, which is that he does in fact "rarely drink" and just saves it for when he comes over.
I suppose I don't need to know either; what he does when he isn't here isn't my business; what is my business is feeling safe and secure and happy in my own home. It feels like he is trying to show me how nice he can be whilst still drinking so maybe I will just let it all go back to the way it was. I can't do that.
I know that we love and miss each other and that he is making all of the efforts he can to do 'right" by me but he's also very deep in his addiction and there's no hope of his drinking behaviour changing unless he decides he truly wants it to. And that isn't looking very likely. I might not like it, but it's a fact.
So, it's back to doing the next right thing and leaving it to my HP, and if the next right thing turns out to be telling him he can't visit anymore then, that's the way it's going to go. I'll handle it one day at a time since it's a tried and true method and hope for the best outcome for all of us.
Thanks for listening. (((everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 30th of May 2016 10:15:20 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Missmeliss, I was drawn to your line 'new and absurd variation'. One part of my thought patterns I am trying to change is my response to my inner voice saying with despair, 'this is such an old, familiar feeling". The feelings of fear, despair and anger: so old, so awful. I'm glad to see your follow up and your reiteration of 'one day at a time.' I'm trying to get through this day myself, and it's not easy. I hope yours is better.
