The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death & I need to write out some of this clotted brain matter.
So, my father was an A, and he started drinking when he was really young. After joining a church that required abstinence, he became dry for a while, obv without ever dealing with his stuff. In the absence of alcohol, he first turned to food & then to porn, & eventually to otc & prescription meds. He ultimately died of a benadryl overdose. It was ruled a suicide. He'd threatened me/my mom lots, but whether he meant to take it that far that time or not, we'll never know. But my mom, the ever-reliable sidekick, shielded 3 of my 4 siblings and all of my extended family from many of the realities re my dad. Not only did she, of course, tow the "everything's fine" line through his life, but she also told everyone he died of cardiac arrest (because, yeah, who doesn't? lol).
So, the current brain chaos I'm writing out- My youngest brother is also an A but is currently using opiates & has been found unresponsive and in and out of the emergency room repeatedly this year. I've gone the rounds allowing him and his issues to drive my life, but have become better at boundaries though admittedly, I probably am more often ignoring than healthfully detaching.
So, my oldest brother is in the thick of it with him now. Really in the thick of it. But all 5 of us- me and my 4 brothers, have so so so much garbage we've never talked through. So much family garbage that continues to drive so many of our choices because it's sitting in the corner rotting and turning everything it touches into rot. But where is it my place to shine the light on true things that my mom specifically asked be kept private (she died of breast cancer two years after my dad's death). The "privacy" includes my own sexual abuse, the extent of my dad's various addictions, and the nature of his death. I have a couple of people I've told the truth to, so it's not my own need to process that I feel stuck on, exactly, although I'd really like to get to talk some of these things out with my brothers.
I guess I just really want to blow the lid off the whole thing. I want light to be shone in those rotting corners so we can talk about how we got here and how we can stop. I want to talk with my other brothers about my youngest brother's opiate issue and what I believe about how he got here, detaching for our own health etc. How can we stop this family pattern otherwise?
But where exactly is my side of the street here? I want to stay on it, in theory.
I understand the frustration of having everyone ignore the elephant in the room, and also your desire to have a healthier/ less dysfunctional family in the future.
However, you are not responsible for (nor do you have the abilty to ) making other people "see" things the way you think they should see them, or be healthy in the way that you think they should be.
Trying to force your family to "wake up" and deal with the issue you believe they must deal with is counter-productive to your own recovery as it will likely take a great deal of your energy and time and will likely not work out the way that you hope it will. People can and do see things the way that they want to and deal with their issues if and when they are ready and not a moment before.
So, good news! You can resign from being responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own! Trust me, you deserve the freedom that will bring to you.
Al-anon works best in the lives of our loved ones through example anyway; when people see us detached, happy and working at our own serenity it can rub off on them. For example my mother, who used to take the problems of all of my siblings as a personal insult now often says "not my circus, not my monkeys", a quote often said in al-anon I am pleased to say she has picked up from me
I'm sorry for the recent stresses and losses. I hope you will dive into al-anon and see what benefits it might bring into your life.
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
