The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sitting up late stewing as AH said he would be home in 15 minutes about 3 hours ago. Still not home and so disappointing as he had been doing pretty good for the last few weeks. a few here and there but no binges. I know I can't control him or cure him him but want to scream at him when he gets home. Does detaching mean I allow him to behave this way which is ruinning his life and leaves me walking on egg shells and not express how I feel? Our relationship is hanging by a thread and he may not be able to control his binge drinking but he sure as hell can choose to get help and quit. Clearly he does not want this so I guess that's it. His drinking is more important than me, plain and simple. He loves booze more then me. I cannot compete with the bottle, I will always lose. It may be a disease but people get help for diseases, don't they? So done right now.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I think anyone would feel the surge of emotions you're feeling. I know that when it was clear my A was going to continue drinking no matter what, I spent 24 hours as probably the angriest person on the face of the earth. I mean just by myself. I was so angry I would have blotted out the sun. That was also the depth of my grief and pain.
We can express our anger to them, but I've found that when I let it get the better of me, I generally ended up angrier and more frustrated and miserable than when I began. Because they never say, "Oh, you're right, and I'm so sorry," as we are yearning for them to do. Instead they get furious in return, start blaming us, turn it into chaos, a huge whirlwind of out-of-control emotion. Ugh, it feels awful.
Eventually what I did was to channel all that energy into making my life better. In my case that meant planning how to separate, and planning all the things I was going to do for myself to make my life good in the future, from big to small. I didn't ask his permission, I just told him, calmly. As it happens he was on a trip and I told him by email, which I know would be bad in a regular relationship, but in our case it meant there wasn't a big scene. Anyway he said "I expected something like this" and that was that. What relief. Not saying that that is the answer for you, just that using my energy to think "What next?" was less painful than just trying to sit with all that anger.
Jenny You are correct "You cannot compete with a a bottle" nor should you
The alcoholic may have all good intentions to have only one but once he picks up that first drink he cannot determine when he will stop as" Cravings kick in "
Implementing Alanon tools are a way of learning how to care for our own mental health as we live with the disease. Confronting, yelling, angry words only makes matters worse for" ourselves", Releasing pent up emotions may feel good at the moment but they boomerang back on us in the form of guilt and shame.
Making an alanon phone call, reading literature with an alanon topic coming here all help to defuse the anger
You are not alone.
You are definitely not alone Jenny. Your feelings are the feeling I have shared so many times. I'm glad you came here for support, and hope and pray that things get better for you, as you seek what is best for you.