The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for May 22nd speaks about our fears of looking at ourselves too deeply. It goes on to say that we are afraid to see ourselves as we really are because we view ourselves as hopelessly flawed and unworthy. I know I felt this way
When I first entered Al-Anon and tried to work the steps, I thought I was filled with anger, resentment, self-pity and fear and that was who I was.My sponsor pointed out this page and said these are the effects of living with the disease of alcoholism. We are powerless over changing the fact that alcoholism has affected our lives, and that only a Power Greater than ourselves can overcome this fact. When we n call on this Power for help, we n uncover our spiritual foundations. By working a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves we will overcome our irrational fear and dread and uncover our truth. We will uncover the goodness within.
The quote is from Louis Hay; "I now choose to rise above my personality problems, to recognize the magnificence of my being, I'm totally willing to learn to love myself."
Alanon tools enabled me to find my lost self esteem and find my self worth. How grateful I am !!!
Like you, I thought my "flaws" were "who I was"- clingy, reactionary, helpless, insufficient. It was quite a surprise to discover that these were not "me" but merely poor coping tools. There was a time when I thought my only good trait was my ability to deal with drama and suffering; probably why I immersed myself in it at all times!!
Funny how the scariest thing in the world- looking honestly at myself and working through step 4 turned out to be one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I will admit looking at myself too deeply was
Scary. I had God holding my hand Giving
me love courage and courage.
I keep trying to get better And dig a little deeper.
Sit with it for awhile and Then dig Some more
When i am ready.
So much is inside work first, get vulnerable,
Let the walls down, stop judging yourself and
Others, be kinder and gentler person inside and
Out. Just get into a spiritual frame of mind.
Then things and life start to flow better and
easier. Its still a painful walk, its cleansing
The mind, heart and soul.
Finding my soul again after it got misplaced,
Lost or forgotten was huge in my growth, Your
soul is yours alone no one elses to touch.
I've been stuck lately in taking my qualifiers inventory. I've felt a sense of dread, fear, and heaviness. As a result I've been reactionary and hyper focused on his behavior and moods. I've blamed all of my feelings and poor coping skills (clinginess, tearfulness, forcing solutions) on my qualifier. I've insinuated to my qualifier that he isn't being loving, open, or affectionate enough. (Which may or may not be accurate. I don't know if I'm seeing reality or contributing to my own circumstances. I'm not sure if I should trust my perceptions.) I've acted in some ways irrationally on my feelings and perceptions. It's only occurring to me today that the inventory I should be taking is my own. I can address my behavior of clinginess, tearfulness, and making someone else responsible for my happiness. Perhaps when I feel more emotionally on an even keel it will be appropriate to address behaviors that bother me...perhaps it won't be. Most importantly for today it is important that I focus on myself and take my own inventory to grow and recover my serenity. I have to leave my qualifiers growth in the hands of a higher power because I haven't even mastered my own growth.
