The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short: my Mom is an alcoholic and pain pill addict who will not stay sober. She has her moments where she does well, but for the most part the longest she can go is about 2 weeks without a relapse. She has been through 2 VERY expensive rehab stints funded by my Dad to no avail. When she came home the second time she refused the recommended 12 months outpatient program which insurance covered. She told my Dad that the staff told her they could not accept her after her assessment because takes a particular medication. Which medication she would never disclose and my Dad of course, as always, buys into whatever she says. I spoke with an intervention counselor at the facility who explained to me that they would not deny a patient for those reasons. That more than likely my Mom was refused treatment due to their mandatory drug/alcohol testing every 72 hours because she knew she would fail it and be exposed. This was about 6 months ago and since then I have had to create some boundaries. I cannot bring myself to cut my Mom out of my life, simply for the sake of my Dad. I respect him and I do not want my relationship with him to suffer although it already has. To be honest if it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't have any thing to do with my Mom. So my issue outside of the obvious: without going into all the specifics and writing a 10 page post, as with most addicts my Mom has said and done some very hurtful things. Some of the time I can deal with it and I am able to remind myself that this is part of her illness. Other times it makes me so angry. Whenever my Mom talks about her addiction, she speaks of it like it's cancer and she can't help it and it's this person's fault and that person's fault. She even blames my Dad and myself at times because "we don't support her". I have told her I will not support her until she works a viable program and makes a real commitment to it. Two weeks of sobriety (in which she suffers withdrawal and sorry, complete bitch mode the entire time) is NOT worth supporting her over. Despite my obvious resentment and anger toward my Mom, I am a very non-confrontational person. I like to keep the peace. I don't like to make waves. I am the diplomatic family member. And when stuff like this goes down, I set time limits with her and spend as little time with her as possible. I avoid her. I wish I could block her from social media. A good friend of mine told me today that it's important that I tell my Mom how I feel. And I know she is absolutely right. But, what good does it do? My Mom has been suicidal in the past and suffers mental illness in addition to her addiction. Whenever someone upsets her, she uses that as an excuse to drink or gets depressed. And I realize all I have to do is say my peace in a loving way. I know how to do that, but my Mom is a hot head and she knows my hot buttons. I am mostly calm, but she darn sure knows what buttons to push with me and she will. I don't want my telling her how I'm feeling to turn into her unleashing her rage on me, and worst, I don't want her using it as her excuse to drink again or do even worse. What are your thoughts on this? Is it worth sitting her down and telling her "this is how I feel. This is why I don't spend time with you. This is how you've hurt me." I've already done this exact thing twice before she went to treatment and it did nothing. I'm so lost. :(
Welcome to MIP Alcoholism is a chronic progressive fatal disease that an be arrested but never cured . Relapse and denial are part of the disease. Alanon face to face meetings will give you the support and tools that you need in order to make a healthy decision regarding this matter
In reading about the situation I believe that since we are powerless over people places and things you would not accomplish your goal by sitting mom down and sharing your feelings, The hot line number for meetings is found in the white pages and I urge you to attend and keep coming back here as well
I would guess that your friend advising you this does not have much experience with addiction or with Al-Anon. You already have experience of how "telling her how you feel" gets nowhere. Do you have a local face-to-face meeting? That will help provide the tools for living peacefully with this sad and painful situation. I hope you can find one soon if you haven't already. People who have been through it are the best ones to model how to go forward. Take good care of yourself!
Its hard not to be able to help or fix things for people.. but grand scheme is its up to them. We can only make improvements to us.. your post is familiar to a lot if us; weather it be a mom, spouse, child, etc.. One thing someone told me on here when my EX AH would "push my buttons"... was "move your buttons" ... It helped me alot to not be "pushable" or for him to create an interruption in the peace I was working so hard on for myself.... find a group, and keep coming back ((HUGS))
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
WhoDat4Life - I am late to this thread, but just wanted to welcome you to MIP. Alcoholism is a deadly disease of the mind, body and soul. In Al-Anon, I found the support necessary to work on me, learn how to establish boundaries and have peace of mind no matter what my qualifiers are/are not doing. I hope you find a meeting local to you, and keep coming back here - you are not alone...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
