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when your loved one gets sober, mother, brother, father, sister ,daughter, son. Have you forgiven them for all the damage that they have done and have u forgiven yourself for the enabling you did that you were totally unaware you were doing? How is the relationship today is it bruised, will it ever be the same, or maybe it's better than before. Your responses appreciated. Linsc
LinSC, this is a question that goes to the heart of my recovery. One day I'll have arrived, but in the meantime I'm working on it.
I am so much better at forgiving. I deeply know my people didn't chose to behave the way they did. I didn't set out to set up the conditions that made it easier to avoid recovery. By working the steps and relying on my HP, I now completely embrace the 3 Cs. That gives me internal permission to forgive myself. I know I acted badly in enabling AND I behave differently now. I check my motivation. I assess if my behavior is respectful to myself and to others. I don't give or do if it is something I do for myself - they should do for themselves, too. It keeps us upright.
Having said that, I am more careful around those who have damaged or even disappointed me. I know who they are, what they think is OK and we differ in our expectations. I accept them as they have revealed themselves to me. (Is that acceptance of them forgiveness? maybe)
I am more protective of my own respect. I'm not so quick to jump in as if I know what is best. I usually don't know. I realize that now.
I like the way I love now better than the desperate, try-harder, frantic way I used to go about it. I am forever grateful for this change in me.
Lin I must admit that it took time and a few years of his sobriety and my attendance at alanon for me to be able to let go of my anger and resentment with my hubby . When I finally accepted that this was a disease and that the anger was only hurting me, I was willing to ask HP to lift it and it was removed. I was amazed that I began to feel that old feeling once again . The Steps work
I'm not much of a judge and never have been. I've dislike the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in resentments and then when I used to speak about resentments with my sponsor he would ask me do I like feeling it and my response was NO!! His reply was, "The opposite of resentment is forgiveness" and he was right all around. Resentment is a waste of life. Good post...(((hugs)))
Thank you for the question. I found that through working and learning the Alanon philosophy that forgiveness came for me as well as some compassion. When I entered from the dark cave of denial and began to see the reality of me and others around me and my life I got angry at first. A bit of grief as well for facing up to the whole truth or as much as was revealed, as I suppose its still coming. Learning that I could no longer blame the alcoholic for everything and that I had to face my part for the first time ever really was hard but this is a gentl program and it provided me with new tools to cope with the facing up.
'I did the best with what I had at the time'. I was sick and suffering from the disease of alcoholism and so believing this for myself allowed me to face up without wanting to throw myself off a bridge under the weight of the guilt I was carrying. I let go of guilt when I learned it was holding me back and affecting my relationships and hurting others and was the root cause of my enabling.
This opened the door to view my alcoholic in the same way. He was suffering from the disease of alcoholism and was doing the best with what he had. Simple as that. I began to forgive and not only that but I began to feel compassion for him and me as humble human beings. He was no longer a heartless monster that had destroyed our lives and I was no longer the innocent victim trying so hard to keep it all together. This was denial, a lie, complete pretence and it was hurting me and everyone around me so it had to go.
I still carry residual resentment and I am unsure why. It might be my pride but sometimes when my kids mention their dad I can say something snidy and unkindness seems to come from nowhere and instantly. Maybe, I think somewhere in my old thinking patterns that if I dont hold on to some kind of resentment I will look stupid, as if Ive got to come across as angry to show I know what he did which puts me back in victim mode. Ive come a long way though. I dont see him but I help him out at times. He has a wee dog that I adore and I babysit for him at times. I also know that he is sober and has a relationship with all our kids now. I never want to hurt him but still behind his back I can be so hard on him. I think I need to make more of an effort to move away from this negative habit. It does me no good and it does no one else any good either. I actually feel a bit of love for him too believe it or not. I care about him and love to hear hes doing well and he is. Hes moving on and I want him to have a good life, he deserves it just the same as I do. Also, if hes happy and Im happy we are setting a good example for our three children. So its a win win.
