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Well I have realized that after 25 years of being co-dependent and enabling my son to drink and drug, I have still not recovered from the trauma and hurt and regret of all those years. My son does not drink or drug anymore now for about 5 years, has a beautiful wife and child and seems to be happy. I realized the fear of him returning to his old ways still looms in back of my mind. When I do visit with him and family which is a few times a year, I still somehow treat him like I used to (walking on eggshells). I know this is not good at all, I need to form a new relationship with him, but I am not sure where to start. I imagine he can sense my feelings in some way and this too is not healthy. He is a great guy, but I dont know who is now. Its like almost an awkward feeling when we make small talk. I want to tell him how much he hurt me all those years, and that I too was in the wrong enabling him, but I feel afraid to take that step.
Lin...I think follow your heart and open the lines of communication. Lead with that it is about YOUR discomfort and desires to move on from the past. If it heads south, you can bail from it and just say "Sorry, I guees this isn't a discussion we should be having."
If I knew more about your son and his capacity to have this conversation, Id be better able to make realistic suggestions. If he is defensive or prone to go on attack when challenged, I would avoid the conversation.
Yeah thats a problem, I don't know him anymore.... I don't know what his reaction would be. I may have to wait, or write a letter and just say my part for enabling and not look for his I'm sorries. Not sure, but I know the relationship is not real and I would like to put it all in the light, but I am not sure how. Maybe this has to wait. I think a letter may be ok. And until then our hugs are not real and it breaks my heart. This may bug him too, but I don't really know. linsc
Lin is there a neutral third party that both of you know who can participate? Do you have a counselor who is able and willing? then would your son be open to the event with guidelines that would respect him and you mutually? You need your son's help in this and asking him to participate in something necessary for your healing will have to come about somehow. Prayers with you on this. Been here and done this myself with my own son...it worked. ((((hugs))))
Lim I just returned for an alanon 8 and 9 th Step meeting. It is in these steps that we are asked to list those we have harmed and make amends.
Amends meaning changing our behavior and responses and not saying "I am sorry". By owning our part in the interaction and rerlationship we open the door to honest communications. Writing to your son would be a start.
Good Luck
Because you only see one another a few times a year it can feel awkward with things unresolved. It's easy for us to lapse into our old codependent behaviors when we're not around the person who is sober now on a daily basis. The proof of that change day in and day out helps to rebuild trust in what we are seeing. You don't have the benefit of that daily interaction - the chance to see his sobriety in action on a regular basis. Try not to be too hard on yourself concerning this.
As far as any sort of an amends, it's true that you can write to him but it's hard to undo written words. Words can be misinterpreted. There is no eye contact, loving tone of voice or opportunity to give a hug.
Maybe if you feel your son wouldn't be open to direct amends, he might be open to allowing you to get to know him more as the sober person he is today. By just spending one to one time with him, you could show through actions who you are today because of working the Alanon program. Maybe he would agree to setting some time aside for just the two of you to go for a walk or for him share his interests as a sober person with you. If you've worked the steps leading up to Step 9 with honesty, then you'll be showing up with humility, your higher power and without expectations. It's ok if you don't feel it's the right time. There are no have to or timelines concerning this program. You'll do what feels right for you, when and if it does.
I wish you the best in working through this. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can so relate to this. This too is my one lingering fear for my son and to be honest its mostly about me. How it would impact on me, how it will effect me and my life so I recognise this in me as pretty selfish. I love my son and want him to be happy but I know he suffers from alcoholism and therefor I feel he will suffer the consequences and I have compassion for him but when fear creeps in I also know that they belong to me and are about me not wanting to face having to redifine boundaries and have the courage to protect my life from the disease.
Im stuck on the steps with this one too. I know I am powerless but when the fear kicks in Im back to thinking I have some kind of power. Maybe thats why your walking on eggshells somewhere in your mind your feel responsible and so your behaviour can cause him to drink. Remember you dont have that power, eggshells or not. You didn't cause it and never did. Hes a grown man and his drinking or not is soley his business. I also haven't done the formal amends and I know I owe that to my son. I dont feel the need to let him know how he hurt me because I know he knows, well he knows enough and his distorted and disturbed thought processes will be providing him with enough guilt and misery without me adding to it so my hurt of the past is mine to deal with, it doesn't belong to him in my eyes. If I accept I had a part to play in my own misery and hurt then its my work.
It might be worth working the steps with your sponsor to root out the cause of this. I dont think the answer lies in your son or the past. Its within you and I would hold off any kind of letting him know how hurt you have been because if you work out whats going on with you then you find you owe another amends. It could be that you some stuff to forgive yourself on and find that compassion for you.
You did enable but you did the best with what you knew and now you know better and are doing better, you are already making living amends by not enabling and by working on yourself to be the person you want to be, you are a living example. Have you considered upping the communication you have with your son via email or text? I often send my son random jokes or funny pictures I come across. Get to know the man he is now. Write to him, tell him about your day, ask him about his.
