The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This isn't directly related to alcohol, but we know that the program can help in all areas of our lives. I am so irked at someone's response or lack of one that I am trying to decide if my motives were selfish or the other person was just plain rude. See, now the program is making me examine my own behaviors and that is good!
My AH's daughter has been in our lives after several years of estrangement. The relationship has come a long way, but she is still somewhat reserved emotionally with her dad. His previous marriage was an ugly one and I'm sure his alcoholism played a large role. His daughter while in our lives is a taker, not a giver, although she always is very appreciative of our generosity. She is married with 3 children. She and I have a decent rapport and I think she realizes the generosity comes from my maternal nature to do things for the grandchildren ocassionally. I should also add that she seemed miffed by recent changes we made to our home. Yet, her husband is in and out of work by his own choices. I texted her and asked if they needed any summer clothes and what sizes would be best. She texted back their sizes. No "thanks". No asking how we are (I always ask how they are in my texts). I realize I can't read her mind, or control her responses. However, are my motives misplaced? Do I have too many expectations by thinking a polite thank you is nice? It makes me not want to do things, but I don't want to punish the grandchildren.
That post El hits a homerun with me and my program. I have thought at one time or another that because I was in Al-Anon I reached a level of perfection where life far and near would more than likely run along the lines of my expectations, wants and needs. Then I gave myself a gentle slap in the back of the head and went over the lessons of acceptance and expectations with the exceptions of want I want and need from myself. My motivations I have come to realize are rooted in my spirituality and living intentions...I intend for my life to go a certain way and the consequences are not perfect. Al-Anon for me is a fountain for giving and if and when any of it comes back to me I express gratitude. I am motivated to doing good in everything I do while killing my expectations of and from others...speaks easier than how it works. Thanks for the poke to my program...looking forward to my Serenity on Sunday AFG meeting. (((((hugs)))))
Hi El. I find that when I have the urge to do something for another person, I check my motives and ask myself whether I am expecting anything in return- even gratitude. If I find I am happy to do the thing, gratitude or not, then I do the thing because I want the person to benefit, grateful or not. If I know I am expecting gratitude then I think it's best to not do the thing because, it's kind of obligating someone without their permission. If someone ASKS me to do something and then they are not grateful then, yeah, I give myself full permission to be utterly miffed.
However. You say that you don't want the grand-children to suffer. Was it the children who's sizes you asked for, or her own, or all together?
I ask because, when daughter was younger there were certain people in my life (my ex husband's new wife for example) who would take it upon themselves to do things for my daughter and then demand that I be grateful. (Insane example, piercing my daughter's ears when she was 5 without asking me and then expecting me to say thank you???) I found it upsetting (sometimes the gestures were intrusive or unwanted) and, also, I am not my child. I felt, with certain people, as if they were saying "you can't afford to buy your child this thing that I think she should have so I have bought it and you ought to be grateful". I got tired of feeling resentful and decided to remove myself from the equation. If you buy something for my child, then, my child will be grateful, or not, as is fitting. (I'm not suggesting you are being at all manipulative by the way but, just that as you say, you can't read her mind and there might be all kinds of reasons why she has responded this way, for example she might have other people acting this way and it's altered her way of dealing with it). I actually developed a policy of generally not thanking people for doing things for my child but rather, I would guide my daughter to thank them herself. To this day, if a friend or family member asks me if they can get something for my child, I respond with "I'll ask her" or 'I'm sure she will enjoy that" or whatever is appropriate but i don't thank on her behalf. Then I am not in the middle and, I don't feel resentful.
I hope that makes some sort of sense.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 15th of May 2016 01:14:21 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((EL)) You are doing great. I agree with Ms.M and Jerry that examining my motives is essential to my growth and peace of mind . I have found that I "Hidden Expectations" surface and become built in resentments at the drop of a hat .
By examining my motives and expectations, I saw that I could set up principles and standards that I wanted to live by but needed to allow others to live by their own principles and not become upset(if they did not say or do what i expected ), If it was a huge boundary issue then i could bring it to the table and discuss it and if not I needed to let it go.
If this incident is unsettling to you then you could bring it up and validate how you feel and not point fingers of blame For example Thanks for providing me with the sizes . I did not get the impression that you were too anxious that I purchase the outfits so If I am treading on your boundaries please let me know. I will not proceed to shop until then. Love to all
This is exactly what I needed to hear from all of you. Thank you so much! My text said that I wondered if the kids needed any summer clothes and if so, what sizes? If I was stepping on a boundary, she could have easily said that they were all set. However, I agree that I should ask for more input before I go ahead and just assume my ideas are in line with hers. Also, I really need to examine my motives and if I feel I absolutely need to be validated, then it is not from the heart enough.
