The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. For years I dealt with emotional abuse from his drinking. And I was an enabler because I constantly supported him financially because I knew he would have ended up dead and I couldn't let that happen. I was the only one there for him when things got bad and when I finally ran out of money to help and things just got so bad he finally agreed to rehab. I have insurance through my job and he is covered, but couldnt cover the out of pocket cost anywhere. Since I had no money left, we didn't have many options and had to go with whoever would help financially. Of course the only place he could go was across the country. While there, I still supported him with everything he needed that they didn't give. Now that he completed treatment, he decided he is just going to stay across the country and not come back because now he's happy. He said if I wanted to be married I would move there, but I don't have money left because my check just covers my bills. We also never had a chance to be married while he is sober and I am terrified of leaving everything to go there when I don't know what will happen. But even if I wanted to, I don't have the money to go. I can't understand why he chooses people and a place he has been for 3 months over me when he wouldn't even be there if I didn't get him help. All I want is a chance to work on our marriage before making a drastic decision like that and he doesnt get it. So all of his new friends and sponsor tell him I'm not supportive then.
I love him so much and just want to be together again, but he is not willing to compromise at all. I am willing to move there , but need him to come back first so we can work on our marriage before making such a huge decision but he refuses and this makes me feel even worse than all of the emotional abuse I received when he drank. I don't know how to handle this at all.
((ROXY)) Welcome alcoholism is a dreadful disease and I am so sorry you are dealing with this uncertainty. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here i learned new constructive tools to live by and found the support I needed to keep on keeping on
Please keep coming back here as well
Are you attending face to face meetings they are
A great way to begin your recovery journey. We
Learn to look at and after ourselves and begin to
heal from the Inside out.
It is suggested to wait six months to a year to make
Any major decisions. By that time you have enough
alanon to make sound and rational decisions that
Are in your own best interest.
I have thought about going to meetings but am not sure where to find meetings that are current and near me.
And unfortunately I don't have 6 months to a year to make a decision because my husband is making it for me because he is not coming home. So if I want my marriage, I have to choose now. It was so much easier to deal with the mistreatment when he was drinking than it is knowing now everyone and everything matters more than me even while he is sober.
Roxy no one will tell you what to do with your marriage
Unless there is abuse then we tell you to seek outside
Help.
I was on rock bottom in my marriage i started going tp
Alanon to his AA my ex has been dry for years by the
time he started.
I kept going to alanon for me to get better and heal sadly
my Marriage did not make it. I tried everything under the
Sun to fix it and guess what i only hurt myself more. It
Takes two healthy mature people to have a happy healthy
Marriage
You have control over one person and that is you, i can
Only fix me, my ex has to fix himself. We each have Our
own higher power, journey And our own recovery.
Welcome to MIP (((Roxy))) - glad you found us and glad you shared. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It's progressive and reaches beyond the drinker to affect the family members in one way or another. Often we don't even know how we are affected until we begin to understand more about the disease through Al-Anon...
My hope is you will find some local F2F meetings and get a feel for what recovery is about. Keep coming back here and know that you are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Roxy, I know it seems urgent but I really don't think it is. If he is making it a situation of "You come and move out here right now, despite all the problems and unknowable situation for you, and despite the lack of money, or else I'm out of this marriage," that is a demand that is totally unreasonable for the financial situation, your own personal situation, and his recovery. Couples spend time apart all the time. Lots of people get jobs where one person has to move and the other can't follow for months or sometimes years. Lots of couples are in a situation where one goes to grad school somewhere else and the other has to wait to follow. Lots of couples are in marriages when one or both are in the armed forces and has to be on deployment for months or years at a time. People get by. It is not true that your marriage could not possibly continue if you didn't go out there right away. And it is not true that the only choice he has to is stay there rather than coming back and putting effort into his marriage.
So he is making a choice and putting the blame for his choice on you. This is very sad, but it is a thing that is not unusual for alcoholic thinking. I don't know if he is remaining sober or not, but his thinking is not yet sober. Lots of times it takes much longer to heal from the "stinking thinking" than it does to stop the drinking.
So the fact is that there is time. If he declares the marriage is over right now, that is an awful decision but the burden is on him. In a marriage aiming toward health, you would wait and see what the future brings. And in your own life, waiting and seeing what the future brings would be a wise course of action. It would be awful for you to go out to where you know no one, where his sobriety may not be stable, and where you're giving up your job and financial strength, for a situation that turned bad. If he is going to be on the road towards long-lasting sobriety and healthy thinking, that will be clear after 6 months or a year. Your marriage can be discussed then. He can move back then, or you can visit him then and see how things are going.
In the meantime, the very best way to ensure that things go well for you and for both of you is to find a good Al-Anon meeting and start working the program. Alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the insanity, so we need our own recovery too. Hope you'll stick around on these boards too. Take good care of yourself!
