The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted another message somewhere, but can't seem to find it.
I have been in a "relationship" with someone I met online over a year ago. We clicked from the get-go. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic, after I had fallen head over heels for him. What I didn't know, was he was still drinking. According to him, just enough to keep his buzz going, but not enough that anyone had noticed.
He has cheated on me physically with at least three different women and has been spending time on online dating sites and sexting women almost constantly since we've been together. He also has a sexual addiction and had bedded more than 400 women since he lost his virginity at 13. But I have forgiven him, tried to move on and even washed the bedding after one of his sexual escapades. He has always been totally wasted when he has these other women and swears he does it because he can't drink openly around me.
I kept going back because I thought I loved him...but, now I donmt know if that was love, or it was because I didn't want to "lose" him to another woman. That took away my control.
Fast forward to today, he received his one-month sober coin, and I attended my second Al Anon meeting last night. The book says not to make any major decisions right away, but I'm wondering if it time for me to walk away from this man. All my well-meaning friends tell me to just leave him...but they have never had to deal with the addiction. He is both and alcohol and sex addict.
And I'm also very concerned that I was there with him through some very dark moments for over a year...now that he is sober...he is shutting me out...says he needs to work on him. I haven't seen him in days....or talked to him on the phone. Everything is via text messages.
Anybody have any advice to share? I feel like I am completely alone.
I second that you deserve better. The advice in general is about waiting 6 months, but it does not apply to all situations - no advice applies to all situations. Someone with twenty years of marriage and three young children is in a different situation from the kind of relationship you've been having. You can certainly maintain distance and detachment now, and if it seems like a mistake down the line (I'm betting it won't, but if it does), you can revisit the decision. Nothing is set in stone. Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself. Remember that most alcoholics do not recover, and that this man has given you plenty of red flags. So one month's sobriety is not a cause for making any kind of prediction about the future. I hope you'll find a good meeting, get the literature, read the threads here, think about finding a sponsor at your meeting - and keep coming back. There is great hope!
I made that kind of decision a couple of times and learned in program I could change it...really change it and so I did. You do not describe a recovering situation and a 1 month chip isn't very long for how long he has been drinking and using. I understand that every situation has its differences and I was told that when I had as many years sober as I did drinking then I would be half lifeing my sobriety. In February of this year on the 8th I half lifed with 37 years clean and sober and the disease still plagues me mind, body, spirit and emotions. Sobriety isn't only about not drinking, ours is a spiritual recovery...mind, body, spirit and emotions all at the same time. Recovery is daily work...24/7 365 and you should stay out of his way as suggested by our Al-Anon program...Al-Anon is for you and the suggestions you have received regarding our program need to be acted on for your own peace of mind and serenity. Go to your local telephone book and look up the hot line number in the white pages and call that for the meeting schedule in your area. Also there are two on line meetings here daily that you can participate in. Check the face page for MIP and get the directions. Keep coming back often (((((hugs)))))
Sending you a big hug and so glad you are attending
Face to face meetings.
Its a one day to a time program that brought me calm
In the storm at home. I did not need to make any
decisions today. I did not want to leave, i loved my
Husband except things were bad and i needed the
Help of the program to find me again and to get
Emotionally healthy and whole.
Hi RK welcome! It was great to hear that you've already attended in person Alanon. If you choose to keep attending and work the 12 steps of recovery for your own recovery you'll make amazing discoveries about yourself and find answers concerning how you want to live your life and who you want in your life.
I'd like to address the Alanon suggestion that you mentioned. Alanon suggests not making any major changes for the first six months of being in the Alanon program unless you are in a dangerous situation. From your post, it seems you understand that this man's addictions are a disease, that you get the concept of addiction as a disease. This could impact your physical and emotional well-being a great deal. Alanon meetings, a sponsor and working the Alanon steps can certainly help. With that said, Alanon also suggests seeking the help of professionals when necessary. Since this guy has not been honest with you and monogamous, the Alanon program's topics of self care, self love and trust are what come to mind. What can you do to help yourself now that you have this information about this man? One possibility would be a health check with a trusted physician, nurse practitioner or gynecologist. Possibly also speaking with a counselor who can offer you emotional support and guidance in this very serious situation. We, Alanons come into this program with a myriad of issues that got us here. We're asked not to give one another advice because no person in this program can truly understand the inner workings of any other human being or their circumstances even if they see similarities. You will always find comfort and acceptance and understanding amongst us as well as encouragement to do what feels best for you and your life. We're with you when you succeed in the choices you make and when you feel you've failed. That is something that is consistent and has kept me coming back to Alanon for a long time now :)
As far as this guy and his recovery in AA and any other 12 step programs, that's positive news for him. He has told you he's not available, that he's working on becoming well. Alanon can be positive news for you as a program we come to for no other reason but help for ourselves to be well. You've been through a lot. You deserve the best. Do you believe that? If you don't, you might begin to believe it if you keep coming to Alanon. When we know better, we do better at loving ourselves. I hope you'll keep coming back to share with us. Maybe you'll choose to attend a third Alanon meeting and many more of them. (((hugs)))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
