The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The images of the alcoholic drinking and the violence I experienced keeps going through my mind over and over again. I hate alcohol so much right now and how it has destroyed my life and my home. I keep thinking omg, omg, he had put a steak knife to my neck, and was screaming and screaming at me and calling me down and going completely insane on me, all while drunk. I read everything that has been said about how dangerous this situation I just escaped from really is. My thoughts are all over the place. I keep reliving the nightmare in my head...a part of me says report this to the police yet another part says no. I mean why can I not follow through with this. I know this situation is very dangerous and he may still be drinking as I write, but I am in a safe place now. I see that his alcoholism has gotten to the dangerous level and he does not care anymore. I went to a AA meeting tonight as there is no Al-Anon meeting close by to where I am living now. I see all the alcoholics there and I just feel pure hate for them...mostly men and a****s who have caused such pain and suffering to people like myself that only want a decent life. I know they say its a disease but I hate this disease with such passion. I am to have compassion but I have none now. I hate alcoholics with a passion. They are sick people that deserve what they got, due to the suffering they have caused me. I know not all alcoholics are violent but the ones I have come across have been and I hate alcohol. It has caused nothing but misery in my life when I did not cause it. I hate the pain it has caused in my life. I just feel hate for the alcohol...and how it changes the most decent person into a monster that is so angry, resentful, rageful and insane. I did talk with someone and they said they were in the police force before (AA person) and what I had experienced is assault with a deadly weapon. I had been through a similar thing before and it was insane, court, ect...and I said never again and here it has happen again...I had to go through intensive therapy to deal with it. I do not know if I have the strength to go through the police, charges, court again. It was a hard process and I am still on the fence as to what to do. Right now I feel rage and such anger toward the alcohol....I hate it. My sense of trust is totally gone now, and hate hate alcoholics with a passion...even the ones in recovery, I do not trust that they will stay sober...they are all sick...
I needed to vent this anger out...
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of May 2016 08:34:15 AM
I can relate and your situation is about fear even while you also experience anger. Let me say that when the fear of not doing the right thing overcomes the fear of doing it then the changes will start. The fear of doing the right thing kept me in the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction and I needed to do something different which was when the changes came. In program and hear that "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". I no longer do that to the degree I use to and I no longer live in the disease. Keep coming back. That AAer who use to be a copy was spot on...listen and then do different. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Abuse is a horrible thing! I have been there and it changes you to the core.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE reach out locally to any person or agency that can help you. Abusers who happen to be alcoholic are so extremely dangerous and this will only progress. I also know you. Are in a safe place now, but in your heart, you are quite obviously still frightened and terrified of the "next" time.
PLEASE get help! I beg of you and I DO understand how hard it is.
This is way too dangerous to do on your own. Please consider making that report to someone (even if it is just a domestic violence hotline), because being dead is a permanent thing and you can't go back and change your mind later.
Would you rather he be in prison for murder?
For over 20 years (before I got hurt - not due to work), I worked in some type of law enforcement on a state level. I have interviewed literally thousands, and well over 10,000, people. I will never forget particular cases and still see a psychiatrist with post traumatic stress disorder due to violence against me and the horrors I have had to deal with.
I realize AlAnon does not give advice, but violence changes that! You must find the strength to take care of you because you are strong enough and you must find a truly safe place away from your abuser. It will likely take real professionals to help. Please consider giving them a call NOW! You are worth it!!!
Violence will not stop. It is progressive unless someone or something intervenes. Please be the one to say enough is enough and get help!
Sending you a loving hug, take care of you
And please Let others help you get safe.
Your HP has this, just do the next best thing,
then the next, baby Steps, trust the process,
stay focused On the goal and objectives, do
not worry About ABF or things at this point,
one minute To a time, one hour to a time,
One day to a time.
A big part of this program is being willing to
ask and accept help. We are not islands we
Need our HP first and we also need loving
Caring giving people that do not enable us.
I hear your anger and understand it. I'm glad your in a safe place. I remember feeling the way you do. It changed though when I got the facts of this disease and how I was never an innocent victims. I always had choices. I chose to stay. I got as sick as he was and just as verbally abusive. Luckily no serious actual physical violence. Aa meetings are where I learned more about the disease from a different perspective and I saw the pain and the hope. This too shall pass. Try the online meetings here x
I am going to say what the trauma counsellors said to me. You are a normal person having a "normal" reaction to an abnormal situation. That is bringing up anger because it is abnormal to have your boundaries violated like that. The best thing I ever did was do the abuse, trauma counselling. Sending you lots of love. (((Hugs)))
You are a highly resiliant person to have gotten through it.
I do validate your feelings. It is awful what jappened to you and the problems alcoholism has created in your life. If alcoholism makes you "hate" people, you are letting it win though. Those of us in recovery generally look it as awful as well.
Anger is good in that it keeps us distanced from the things that endanger us. Of course when it eats us up, it is not good. But a measure of anger is good because it keeps us from going back. So your anger is your shield and your wall, and you need those.
There is also another way to think about some of this. Because I was overwhelmed with the feelings of anger and grief that my life had come to this miserable, horrible situation when all I wanted was love and a family. But I realized that there had been red flags along the way and I had ignored them. I ignored them until things got really, really bad. My A was not violent, but he was so neglectful that our child could have died. When I realized what was going on, I left. But that was after years of pain and turmoil and horror. And what helped me from staying in a terrible position where I couldn't get over the horrors that had been done to me was the saying "My choices, my results."
I do not mean in any way to blame you for his outrageous violence. We are never to blame for abuse. At the same time, we have choices. I can see that my choices (well-meaning as they were) along the way led me to the position that I ended up in. Then I actually felt better, because I realized I wasn't powerless and unable to prevent the same thing from happening again. I don't have to define myself as "victim." I can grieve for the things that happened, and feel angry about the abuse, but I don't have to be the person who will ever be in that spot again.
I'm glad that you recognised your need to vent your anger and I hope that you felt better letting it fly off your screen and into the ether. That fizzy, flaming anger running round in my head used to cloud my thoughts and upset my day for hours and hours and hours. Getting it out of my system in a safe place is a good thing me-thinks. It doesn't have to define us, but after a while I got bored of it and fed up with how it got in the way of positive action!
You seem to be recognising, and acting on, a desire to change - that is really, really great. I truly believe that you have it in you to find a wonderful life for yourself.
For a long time I added to the abuse that I had received from my husband by being hard on myself, thinking that I must doing something wrong to be treated so un-lovingly. But I have come to think that hurting people hurt people and, like me, it is their job to deal with their stuff. My job only extends as far as enhancing with my own hours and days and lifetime. (Lightbulb just went off in my head because that sounds like a full time job in itself to me, no wonder I couldn't sort out other people's lives as well!!)
I chose to take charge of my life and that is how I came to discover where my boundaries lay. It became so much easier for me to protect my boundaries rather than rely on others to do it for me. Don't get me wrong, wonderful people have supported me, but it was my job to make the changes that I needed to make. As Mattie says, I wasn't powerless anymore!
-- Edited by milkwood on Sunday 15th of May 2016 02:21:29 AM
This is my first time on this discussion forum. I have never experienced physical abuse from my A, not so sure about verbal. I am so very angry - angry angry. Last night I let the beast out. I basically vomitted all of my anger from the disease out at my still drinking (though 1 drink a day) spouse of 23 years. I am just at such a loss - did I wait too long to seek help? Is it time to separate/divorce. He has never said he is an alcoholic but will agree (not say) there is a problem. He states he is willng to work on his drinking - 1 drink a day but that is all at this time. I think it is great but we have been down this road before. He also has shared that working on the 1 drink a day is all he is able to give at this time. I said we needed to work on our we issues, he on his and mine for me - mine I believe are the damage done in our relationship and the anger, negativity, loss of self esteem, etc along with smoking (ciggerettes only) - oh and according to my spouse - coffee (which I drink about 3 cups only in the morning). I feel this is his attempt to equalize the blame game.
Welcome Shawnie Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is never too late and there is hope.
Keep coming back here as well.
I understand the hatred of alcohol. If I had my way, I would make it illegal. Both my marriages have been damaged by addiction, and although I wasn't physically hurt by them, the emotional damage is hard to describe unless you have lived through it. I just want to say that try as I might, I could not change these spouses. But I have learned that I could change myself, and I am doing it. By embracing myself in alanon, I have let go of the hate. I feel sorry for my current spouse, but I am a much happier and healthier person. I will continue to work on me. Lyne
