The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I PM'd a few of my personal friends here at MIP but I thought I would throw this out to the group and ask for some words of support and wisdom.
My bf and I will be living together soon and his ex-wife just now decided to say something about her concerns: specifically about her 2 young girls living with my 17 year old son under the same roof. Honestly, I understand where she's coming from. I was molested when I was 7 and I was extremely overprotective of my son in the past. I feared the same thing as a mother that most do. She did not make a huge stink or anything, she just made an offhand comment but it opened up a conversation between my bf and I that i think we should have been talking about months ago.
Long story short, without getting mad at my bf for some of the things he said that i believe were a bit shortsighted and not very balanced, imho.....I just want to get some perspective. As long as we set rules about respecting people's space, keeping doors open if my son is with the girls or even keeping my son completely out of the girls rooms in general, etc I never saw a problem. But, I came out of my conversation with my bf last night thinking that I was throwing my own kid under the bus with my own thoughts. I gave birth to this kid and raised him with a good sense of morals and respect and I felt like I had to defend him last night for something he hasn't done nor do, I hope, he has the intention to ever do! I feel like I betrayed my own kid with my thoughts and the fact that I would mistrust him hurts my momma heart. I know we are all human and many times we can have unpure thoughts or deviant thoughts ourselves but acting on them is a whole other thing, you know? I just never went there with my own thinking and I almost wish I could back out on this move but new renters are taking my house on the 1st of June and I'm kinda stuck. Then, I also realize, that he and I want to be together in the future and that we will always be parents to our kids. Nothing will change about that so even if we moved in together next year, we will still be parents to those 3 kids.
I'm really upset about this and my bf is supposed to be taking me out for my birthday tonight and I'm truly just not in the mood. I feel like crap.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. One thought I had is that it's not really about what your son might do - because there's zero indication or actual suspicion that he might do anything like that. It's more about setting safeguards and principles so that the mother of the girls will feel reassured, and so that the girls have boundaries for themselves. I remember as a pre-teen and teen girl how confusing it was to be developing and not understand what was all right to wear or how to be or how to act with boys. They will be confused too, just because of their age. So it's good to err on the side of ensuring that they have strong privacy and boundaries. That's about them as much as it's about your son. It's also even about their dad, because when I got to a certain age I didn't want my dad doing my laundry (he would wash my bras! waaaaay too embarrassing for a young teen!) or in my space. So I think it's probably as much about their stage of life as it is about any specific male they're interacting with. Those are my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest!
Andromeda It sounds to me as as if you listened to the concerns with a detached, objective open mind, talked over options that would be acceptable to all concerned and reached a workable solution for everyone involved.
I do not see anyone being disrespected or misjudged. You practiced alanon principles of:" talking things over and reasoning things out". Good Work.
Miranda, I think my bf is at fault on this one. He procrastinates all the time and I know he didn't tell his ex that we were going to be living together until recently. I've seen him do this to her and to me before. Like tonight: I'm sitting here at MY house waiting to hear from him to decide what I'm going to wear to dinner because I still have no idea what we're doing or where we're going. He is an intellectual who lives in his head and then realizes at the last minute that, "Uh oh, I didn't prepare for this!" Thank god he's good at thinking on the fly. He had to give a graduation talk on Monday and he was prepping for it at 4 PM...the speech was scheduled for 6 PM, LOL.
I'm trying to put this whole issue out of my mind. I look at my son and I just don't see anything to worry about.....but I understand how it may appear to others in some ways because I am a super over protective parent myself.
As for what Mattie shared......I see that as potential issues down the road. My son hardly ever even comes into my room unless I invite him it. He just isn't an invasive person and he tends to keep to himself. I seriously doubt he would invade the girls's space without being invited in and I can make sure he knows there will be ground rules: doors open, etc. We've already made it clear that my son will be using a different bathroom in the house than the girls, as well. He will have his own bedroom, I'm putting a mini fridge, and a TV in there with Roku on it so he can have his own dorm room, so to speak. We also have a HUGE open loft upstairs where the kids will play and TV, sectional, games, etc. Right now that's where they all play but it's open and if I don't hear much noise, I am the one who goes upstairs to check on them, you know? If anything, I'm probably more protective than I should be of ALL the kids.
I was going to ask my bf what he thought about me actually meeting his ex. We haven't met in person yet and I wonder if she's like to do that just to see who I am and what I'm about since I'll be spending so much time with her kids. Then eventually, she should probably meet my son. I don't know all the answers, that's for sure but it bugs the crap out of me when my bf says, "Don't stress so much about it. You're obsessing about this and it's going to be OK...." Umm, yeah? So, then, why did you bring this up and why did we have an hour long talk about this now if you really think it's going to be OK and isn't something I should stress about. UGH....
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am sorry andromeda that it's coming up 'now'.....I am one who would also freak a small amount, just because of the timing. However, I really like what Betty says - and I agree! You listened, your processed, you problem-solved and have a plan. Truly sounds as if it's time to turn it over and not worry any longer. I do not see you tossing your boy under the bus - you took great care with your plan to make things as comfy for him as possible - own room, amenities, private bath, etc.
As far as you suggestion to meet the ex - it sounds like something I would also offer. It sounds as if there are 3 solid adults doing the best they can by 3 young ones - so it's not about bad vs. good - it's about working together to create the best possible outcome for all involved.
You got this - my hope is that your birthday celebration with your guy is awesome! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
First, I applaud you for how you have handled the situation so far. Taking into consideration the other mother and her concerns and not getting defensive is great to see as so many step parents seem to not be able to do that. I do not think that you have thrown your son under the bus at all. All the adults seem to be trying to set appropriate guidelines/boundaries within the household, which is great in my opinion as it is for everyone not just your son. If I was the ex, I would welcome the opportunity to meet the woman who was going to be around my children and hopefully that will help to ease the tension. Step parenting is hard work. I think you are being very conscientious and practical and have prepared as much as you can. Now its time to sit back and enjoy the blending of the two families.
Thanks everyone. He took good care of me, as always. When I got to his house, he was setting up my son's bedroom and hanging the blinds in there, moving his office furniture out, etc. He's made it clear that he has no doubts about us moving forward with this.
I am trying to be conscientious without making my son feel uncomfortable. This transition will be hard for all of us at first and I'm sure there will be transition times, as well.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda this is yet another "powerless over" situation for which you don't have all control or guarantees regarding the decisions you will or will not make. You don't know how or what is going to happen before it does and the consequences allude everyone. Sad your son becomes a victim before he even knows who the perps are because her fears, his fears, your fears will play out whether anyone likes it or not. Your son is pulled into your plans and decisions not his so what would that feel like to you. (actually you have already responded to that question). You cannot and will not be able to convince him to "not worry" as your boyfriend has with you...the dynamics are sooo much more different.
I am a former behavioral health therapist who use to work with kids your son's age regarding issues like what you have brought here. Believe me they see the picture and feel about possible outcomes much much different than you and "the other".
You mention the analogy of him being thrown under the bus and that is a very strong perception resting on fear and anger and resentment and more. Might you take him to lunch without any of "them...the others" around and beg his honest assessment of "the/your" situation which he is about to become a part of with less control than you have.
My own children had no input or decision options when I brought them into my second marriage with an alcoholic/addict and her children who were deeply affected by the disease and who also had little to no input regarding it. Thank God for the program I made living amends of it.
I honor your reluctance and self inventory you and your program are in the spot light.
I am a former behavioral health therapist who use to work with kids your son's age regarding issues like what you have brought here. Believe me they see the picture and feel about possible outcomes much much different than you and "the other".
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
One thought I had is that it's not really about what your son might do - because there's zero indication or actual suspicion that he might do anything like that. It's more about setting safeguards and principles so that the mother of the girls will feel reassured, and so that the girls have boundaries for themselves. I remember as a pre-teen and teen girl how confusing it was to be developing and not understand what was all right to wear or how to be or how to act with boys. They will be confused too, just because of their age. So it's good to err on the side of ensuring that they have strong privacy and boundaries. That's about them as much as it's about your son. It's also even about their dad, because when I got to a certain age I didn't want my dad doing my laundry (he would wash my bras! waaaaay too embarrassing for a young teen!) or in my space. So I think it's probably as much about their stage of life as it is about any specific male they're interacting with. Those are my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest!
