The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here- and am so glad I found this forum. Basically, I am here because I have a fear that my husband will become an alcoholic. I don't think he is one yet, but I worry about his drinking patterns and family history (his mom and sister are recovering alcoholics). So I find myself counting his drinks, worrying constantly that I need to somehow make sure it doesn't happen on my watch, but realizing I can't control it ultimately.
But I do think that I am ruminating/obsessing over it for some reason- and I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety in the past, so I think the steps of Al Anon are great in that I need to realize that I can't control what happens and that if he is going to become an alcoholic, I am powerless to stop it. And maybe he never will either.
But I do want help to stop worrying about and start living my life. I have noticed that in the past seven years or so, I have had 4 primary worries I obsess over. Each one started by some trigger- first fear of flying, then fear of home invasion, then fear myself dying, and now fear my husband will become an alcoholic. The previous three things lasted for months, sometimes years, before the obsessive thoughts would somehow just stop. Usually something would snap me out of it and then the intrusive thoughts about the specific fear would leave.
I finally objectively was able to think recently that it is all about my not being able to control a situation- and each of those fears deals with something that I can't control.
Anyway, I would appreciate any links or guidance that may have been useful for you all!
Good Morning MB Welcome to Miracles in Progress. The best place to obtain information regarding the Alanon program, including book titles such as:Alcoholism the Family Disease and the Merry go round Named Denial would be at alanon face to face meetings The hot line number is found in the white pages.
We do have a Step Board where we discuss the Steps and they are also helpful Here is the link :
Hi MB and welcome
You sound like you have my brand of OCD to be honest. Living life one dedicated worry at a time.
I found tremendous relief from it in working through the al-anon program and learning to live in the right now rather than constantly trying to imagine the future and all of the potential disasters it contained. I would highly recommend it
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aloha MB and just for me from my own experience you might want to check out information on being fear based in nature. I was guided to that process myself because I could find many and any things to be afraid of at the drop of a hat. Part one was that my mind needed to be busy about people, places and things and that showed up as worry and fear none of which came to fruition. My sponsor later taught me about false evidences appearing real; the acronym for fear. I now have a practice to check out my worries and fears most of which eventually in short time amount to nothing...from false evidence. I hope you keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Hello MB - I too welcome you to MIP! So glad you found us and so glad you shared. I considered myself a Type A person most of my life. My AH just called me crazy for my worrying. My A Sons called me OCD/Crazy. Whatever I may be or am not, I can share that I lived with fear as my constant companion. I didn't recognize it as fear until I worked this program. I honestly thought all adults worried, obsessed, controlled and planned like I did. I thought 'my mannerisms' were normal.
I rarely if ever lived in the moment. I missed so many things to be joyful about as I was living in the past or focused on the future. I thought I had the ability to prejudge people, places, events, etc. and talked about all things with authority, facts and statistics. What I actually realized when I walked into Al-Anon was I was not living. I was existing. I was existing in a world that I created that was not aligned with reality, but instead was of my own making in so many ways.
Fear for me has a new meaning - False Expectations Appearing Real - and when I start to worry or get anxious about life, I call upon this slogan. I also try to stay in the moment - or live One Day at a Time, which the program taught me. Lastly, I had an aunt who has passed on now - was lovely and the strongest woman I know. She had a hard life and she used to say, "If you are worrying, you are not praying..." I heard this my whole life, but did not truly get it until I embraced this program and a spiritual path.
Keep coming back - you are not alone - (((Hugs)))!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Living life one dedicated worry at a time. (boy do i relate to this .. one worry one fear one what if one yes but one crisis) .. etc ... grateful to be in the learning 'process of one meeting at a time .. one hope .. one share .. one more gift today we didn't have 'yesterday .. still moving 'through the process .. was painful trying to run circles around everything .. still is when i get back on that merry go round (obsession wheel) there is a promise in alanon that repetition of meetings 'replaces obsession with faith .. meetings help alot ..
the only requirement for membership in alanon is that there be a 'problem with alcohol in a spouse family member friend relative coworker etc .. alcohol isn't 'my problem, alcohol is the problem for the drinker but as you say .. obsession an confusion became my problems, along with control blame criticism an more ..
hope you keep sharing an try the face to face meetings; as betty said too, the step board helps ..
It is so good to read everyone's thoughts on obsessive worrying, especially after just talking about it today, regarding the role of "mom." I'm going to read more about False Expectations Appearing Real," and I love this quote, "If you are worrying, you are not praying." So good to remember. Always thanks to everyone here for sharing what works!
Something that has been helpful to me in getting over these old thought patterns was going to a therapist. Although it cost money out of pocket, I found it a good investment. I was able to work through some past traumas that were affecting my thoughts and feelings.
My favorite step is Step 2 -- "Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."
Thank you everyone! This is so helpful. I'm glad I found this resource! I really like False Expectation Appearing Real. That really is so useful.
I have a follow up question- how can we tell what is real and what isn't? Whenever I question my husband he gets furious at me and says I'm being paranoid etc. but to me that sounds like an alcoholic answer. But then I do know my other fears have not played out to be true so far.. I just don't know what to think.
mb2016 - In recovery, I've learned to not ask too many questions - especially if they are not necessary. My insanity included drilling my qualifier(s) about EVERYTHING under the sun, almost as if I was sitting in wait for the next bad event or shoe to drop. Part of the detaching is that we choose our fights wisely and no longer JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
I stop asking if he is drinking. If I wonder, the answer is probably yes. I stop asking when they would be home, and instead said that dinner will be ready at xx:00 - if you're not here, do you want me to make a plate? I truly worked really hard to say what I needed to say for me, say it as nicely as possible and not probe any longer. My obsessive behavior and million questions caused a ton of the chaos and conflicts in our house. So - the step work opened my eyes to my habits/patterns, their habits/patterns and how they did not work well....if there was going to be changes/improvements, it was going to be, or at least start, on my side.
I hope this helps you - take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh my gosh, Iamhere the "waiting for the next shoe to drop" is exactly how I would describe I am feeling. And the questions definitely lead to chaos around here- even tonight, even after reading everything you all wrote today, I couldn't stop myself from saying something about him having a drink, though I said it in a very calm and non threatening manner, and my husband decided to just get mad and not talk to me for the rest of the night.
You all have given me such hope and sense of peace just by reading your messages and I thank you! I am definitely going to do the Step work!!