The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my frustration is so overwhelming. I just do not know how to react to my addict. Recently he told me he was participating in a recovery program and has been for several months. I just don't know whether to believe him or not. I know I am supposed to detach and know that its his disease to deal with and I am trying to do that. But I do not want to be duped once again, nor do I not want to be non supportive and sabotage his recovery with a skeptical attitude. I just do not know how to handle this.
Skepticism is pretty reasonable when you're dealing with an addict. It took me a long time to look at actions rather than words. My thought is that if he's really working a program of recovery hard, he wouldn't even necessarily have to tell you. You'd think, "Wow, things are somehow calmer around here. Not always, but getting a little bit more every day. My A hasn't been under the influence that I can tell for quite some time ... has it been months? I think it has! He's not hanging around with those other addicts any more either. Wow, I wonder what will happen next. Things are feeling almost normal around here." Of course it all doesn't change overnight. But the chaos would be receding. Similarly, if he's not really sober or clean, the chaos will be continuing - it's almost impossible for them to hide it for a long time. As the saying goes, "More will be revealed."
I hope meanwhile you're taking care of yourself - meetings, working your program? Then you'll be ready for however things develop.
Yes, never knowing can be very frustrating. For myself, I've come to accept all the things I couldn't stand, as being a part of the person. It doesn't mean I like it. I don't. But by accepting that the addict is irresponsible/self-centered/add your own here, the focus moves back to me and my hoop and what he does or doesn't do stops being a me issue. Its just a him issue. Somehow that is freeing for me. If he is lying to you, he is most of all lying to himself.keep coming back.
I learned early on in the program that allowing my joy, future or peace to be connected by the actions or words of another person - active, in recovery or not even alcoholic - was a recipe for disappointment and resentments for me. Detaching with love for me didn't start as 'with love'. My sponsor gave me permission to detach with indifference, learning what love is and is not, and then working to detach with love.
I held on to what was working, improved or good in my life. If I was less stressed or less anxious, I was recovering. If there were less arguments and less drama/chaos, things were improving. Even if this required me walking away to not engage, I was willing to go to that length to find peace and joy. I was taught to choose happiness over being right and it saved my sanity over and over again - my sponsor would say to me directly, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"
So, I don't assume, believe or expect others to be brutally honest with me, especially my qualifiers. Their life and recovery is most certainly not aligned with me, and will never be. However, I have enough self esteem and recovery today to just let go and let God and release my concerns, worries, anger and frustrations to HP - as they truly only concern/hurt me.
I have been where you are, and dwelling over what another is doing or saying just never brought me peace. It actually brought me the opposite. My best suggestion is to use a tool/two/many to bring the focus back to you, knowing that there is a power greater than us all who can bring sanity, joy and peace to your being.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am working through this right now as well. My husband (who is my qualifier) will say he's doing one thing, but his actions and demeanor seem to lead me to the opposite conclusion.
He talked to me about how in one of their meetings they talked about "casualties" of their alcoholism and how it can take years for those affected to work through things. When I asked him if they had any suggestions on how to mend that, I got the answer that it's not the alcoholic's job to mend that. It's our responsibility.
I guess what it really boils down to is what do you accept, what do you "let go and let God," and the rest of the slogans. I'm not sure where I'm at with all of those quite honestly and I'm about five months in to the program. If only this stuff was easy, right?
I just keep thinking that one day I'll have some major breakthrough and will learn to wholeheartedly accept the pieces of the program and find the inner peace that I hear everyone talk about at meetings.
Hey SDB - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you joined in! Also glad to hear that you're working the program....for me, I had to remind myself each morning that I was powerless. I also had to look for what was working and improved vs. what was not. We look for progress in the program, and it takes time! For me, practice, practice and more practice was key to gaining strength and self-validation.
Glad to have you here - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
