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We have had our 38 year old son, his fiance and their baby boy living with us for many months now. They have no money at all and my son has not been able to find a job in this area. So we have provided every necessity or life for them and the baby. He has the use of my car that I just paid off, we bought all the baby furniture and stuff you need for a baby and we have rearranged our house drastically to accommodate them.
We have paid for her in late March to go back to her mother's wedding across the ocean. The baby was born in her country and so we have paid for a blood test to prove that he is my son's child so he could become a citizen. We have paid for our son to get his divorce that he just did not bother to do before he went to live in her country for several years. We have purchased health insurance for her when she is here.
When he could not get a job there before they came here , we sent them money to live on. We have always been called upon to bail him out when he needed it. Fools that we are, we gave him a lot of money again and again.
Now she wanted to go back again to her country because her grandfather died. She has only been here for three weeks since she came back from the wedding. And so they insisted that they all go. We begged them not to, we told them that taking a little baby over the ocean again was selfish of them. We told them that we had sacrificed enough and, if they went, it was the end of our support. And we refused to pay for the tickets.
They went, emails were exchanged and we told them to find somewhere else to live when and if they come back. And that the money train has stopped. We are not young, we are in our seventies and , while we loved having the baby here, it was very stressful.
I feel that we were right, I know that we cannot give any more either emotionally or financially as we are drained and there is no one to take care of us but ourselves. And I know that life is so much more peaceful with just us in the house. But we feel so guilty. We are sick with worry. We feel as if we have let him down. This is killing us and the situation before was killing us. What do we do?
I would think that they're going to have to learn to be responsible for themselves if they're going to have any hope of being responsible for their baby or teaching that child responsibility. Sorry it's been such a rollercoaster but it sounds like you've made a good decision and are looking forward to some peace and drama-free time. I don't blame you!!! I think you've done the kindest possible thing for everyone concerned, really.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
You are taking care of yourselves, that is a necessity. They are grown adults with a child and are capable of taking care of themselves. This may be an opportunity for them to step up and do so. They are not your responsibility. You have been loving, kind and generous and now the time has come for them to do for themselves what they are capable of doing. I understand your struggle. When I have the urge to "over help" my AD, I remind myself that I am getting in the way of her ever being responsible for herself or giving the message that she is not capable both of which are not true. It is very hard to stand by and watch our kids struggle, but out of struggle in my experience is where resilience and growth takes place so I have to deal with my own pain and discomfort and allow whatever is going to happen in her life happen.
((((Deacon)))) Good Job! now you and your husband can turn it over to them. You have taught them what care and generosity looks like, feels like and behaves like...They can duplicate what you have done. Turn them over to God and let the rest take care of itself. GOOD JOB!! ((((HUGS))))
(((Deacon))) - it's never easy to parent, and it's more emotional for me when I have to parent my two sons - also qualifiers. I am amazed when I set boundaries and hold fast how resourceful they are in surviving. I have put them out multiple times for violation of rules (we are a substance free home), and they have figured it out each time.
I agree with those above - you have done your job and then some. Hold fast to your needs, and let HP take care of them. Know that we're here for you - and you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
you have been kind, compassionate and more than generous to your son, wife and grandson.
you have done your duty as parents and then some.
Please don't let your compassion turn into enabling.
enabling is negative to anyone's life, disguised as help, don't be fooled.
now is time for you and your husband to enjoy the sunset of your life, have happy times, melancholy times, and times to laugh, and not to feel guilty, you have done the best that you can, and nothing more should be asked of you.
Its ok to say NO if more is asked of you. I would even consider it abuse if more is asked of you....don't let it happen, stay strong. Linsc
Thanks so much to everyone who responded. Never thought that it would be so hard to do what I know we had to do. We have been enablers far too long and we know it. Looking around at my family, which is huge with 39 nephews and nieces, I am seeing a pattern I do not like. The nieces are doing well but a large percentage if the nephews, aged 25-44 are not doing well at all. No jobs or very low paying ones and they all want to play and satisfy their addictive behavior. And they all come from hard working, good living parents. Scary!
