The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time with any sort of contact with Al-Anon, so sorry if I mess up anywhere. Here's my story:
I have been with my BF for over 6 years now. He was always a drinker for as long as I have known him. Was always able to keep a job, never behind on bills or anything like that, but if he wasn't at work he was drunk. We started dating and he kept drinking. Somewhere around 3 years in, I moved in with him and finally addressed his drinking. He would occasionally quit for a week or 2, or even a month or 2, but never any longer than that. Last November he got his 3rd DUI (first 2 were before we were together). After that he quit drinking (slipped once a few weeks later, but has been dry since) During one of his court dates he ran into an acquaintance who suggested AA. A few weeks later he started going to meetings. We recently found out when his trial will be (about 6 months from now) and if convicted, he goes straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. He's been doing great with his meetings and has found a pastor that he's been talking to. I am sooo incredibly proud of him for all he is doing! But... I am having issues with getting used to all of this. I would love to talk to him about his recovery, find out what really goes on in AA meetings (I've read every piece of literature he's brought home) but he's a private type of person and I don't want to do anything to upset his recovery. Since we've found out his court date, I've been trying to spend as much time with him as possible, as I won't be able to once he goes to jail. But he seems to be pulling away, like I've already lost him. I'm really not sure what to do. I know most would think this is the opposite of a problem, he's in recovery and doing a great job at staying sober, but I grew up with a highly alcoholic father (still very much an alcoholic) so even just to come home to him sober is taking some getting used to. I'm lost as to what to do or think when he isn't as excited to spend time together as I am. I'm also not sure what to do, or not to do to aid in his recovery. I've told him many times how proud I am of him, how I am here if he ever needs anything, but he seems to be going it alone, with the help of AA (which I am very thankful for) I guess I just need some guidance as what to do with a recovering A, this is all sooo new to me!
Hi LadyBird Welcome alcoholism is progressive, chronic , fatal disease over which we are powerless. it is a disease that can be arrested but never cured. It is great that he has found his way to AA and is seeking recovery.
As you know living with the disease, we too develop may negative coping tools to protect us from the insanity. The best suppport you can give to your boyfriend is to search out alanon face to face meetings, held in most communities and attend. The hot llne number is in the white pages. Developing new constructive tools to live by while you receive the support from like minded individuals is a greatgift to give to yourself . Keep coming back here as well.
Thank you for the welcome and the kind words!! I've looked up the local meetings, and found out where they are. I'm just concerned that if I start going to meetings, that he will think there's something wrong, or that I'm just trying to get sympathy, or take any attention away from him and his recovery. I don't want to do anything detrimental to his journey...
I do have a question about the face to face meetings, they say they are "Al-Anon Closed" I'm not sure what that means, or if I'd be able to attend them...
They are also labeled as "Meditations AFG" or "Twelve Step AFG" Also not sure what those mean.
Hi LB Most members of AA suggest that their partners attend Alanon so that they can gain a deeper understanding of the disease and how to interact with it. You would qualify for membership because you grew up with an alcoholic parent and developed negative coping tools during that time.
A "Closed"alanon meeting indicates that only people who feel they have been affected by the disease are welcomed to attend and share. "Open" meetings are where students, teachers or other professionals can attend to simply observe. Meditation Alanon Family group meeting focuses on the tool of meditation
and the Twelve Step alanon Family Group meeting focuses on the 12 Steps.
It is suggested that you try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for you. Keep coming back here
Alanon Is about you getting better from the
inside Out. His AA mtgs are all about him and
His Working with his sponsor doing the steps.
He goes to his sponsor with his problems.
Alanon is not a we program, its not really about
fixing Relationships. Its about learning healthy
Boundaries, loving detachment, staying on Your
side of the street and plus many more tools.
Many of us come from the disease and/or its
Dysfunction then we marry into it because
Its Familiar.
Face to face meetings are a great beginning
For your recovery journey.
Welcome ladybird to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared! I too would suggest you go to the meetings. Often an alcoholic will wonder what happens at Al-Anon meetings just as you wonder what happens at AA meetings. Both program are based on the 12 Steps, and each person works recovery at their own pace. Each progress suggests/stressed anonymity, which covers who you see, what is said and what is heard. If you are inquiring and he's not sharing, that is a great sign - he's working the program.
Al-Anon can help you keep the focus on you and learn more about the disease and the progression/recovery of/from. We don't give advice (most don't....those who do are ones I avoid), but we do share our experience, strength and hope (ESH) with others to understand and learn how we can be/act/react differently. As Betty suggests, we often develop negative coping skills because of the insanity of the disease, and Al-Anon gives us a different perspective and way of doing things.
I've been on both sides of the program, and because of choices I made under the influence many years ago, I too was newly sober and facing court/jail time. It's a horrible position to be in emotionally, and then add new found sobriety on top of that and new feelings that have been stuffed for a long while, and - I was as insane at times as I was when actively using/drinking. So, his distance may just be him processing what may come next - and most certainly is not about you.
You are not alone - keep coming back. There is a ton of love in the fellowship and recovery is a wonderful thing!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all soo much for the replies! I realize that his being preoccupied with his program and finding his higher power is something I'm glad for, I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this, and giving him his space to figure things out. Iamhere, thank you for sharing, I can definily relate to your situation. Hearing experiances like that are very helpful. I guess I need to get the courage up and go to the next local meeting. Thanks All!!!
I just wanted to give you some encouragement. My wife was stuck in jail without bond for 10 days at her second DUI. My lawyer was able to arrange a deal that if she went to rehab she could perhaps avoid prison time. So she went to rehab. She ended up with electronic home monitoring for 6 months and probation for 2 years, no license for a year. But she was sober, and not in jail, so we were all happy about that.
I started Al Anon while she was in that rehab, and it's the best thing I ever did. I began to understand her, and be able to sympathize with her situation, but also to understand how much of whose recovery was my responsibility and how much was hers.
Aloha Ladybird and welcome to the family. Glad you are here and that another person affected by someone else's drinking can come to understand and build tolerance and resistance to it. Leave your boy friend to his own recovery and the process AA uses. Learn all that you can about the disease and how it has affected you because you are all that you can do anything about. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
