The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, I went to a face to face al-anon meeting and overcame my denial that the alcoholic bf will get better. He is not. The verbal abuse has become intolerable and I am nearing a nervous break down. I keep shaking and shaking in fear of him. He yells and screams and makes threats to hit me. I am a nervous wreck right now. I have a call into an al-anon member and I keep crying buckets of tears. I am hiding in the basement away from him for now. I am looking for an apartment to rent currently. I am so upset and degraded right now. I have come to face the truth at last. There is no turning back this time. I am done. I can never trust him again. I am so sad and hurt right now. I feel like a complete fool. I feel abused and degraded and I had been told over and over to leave and I did not. Now it has become unreal. The anger being directed at me while he is drunk. I can not take it anymore. I have to get out. I looked at 2 apartments already but there were not good. I am nearing a complete break down. He is drunk constantly and I am trying to hang on with what little sanity I have left. I am trying to focus on one moment at a time right now and not loose it. Thanks for letting me share
You are so strong, remember that. Today you are stronger than yesterday and tomorrow you will be stronger than today! I wish you much serenity and clarity as you do what it is you need to do. You are number 1 in this world, proud of you for putting you first. Keep a friend on call of you need to just leave and get out before you can find a place. You are not alone!
(((Joker))) - positive thoughts and prayers from me too. So sorry about your situation, please take good care of you....be/keep safe!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So sorry for your pain. Don't feel foolish. You had to decide when you had had enough. Get support from your local domestic violence folk. When he sobers up he will sweet talk you and try to lure you back. Be strong and don't fall for his lies.
When I saw my denial and the abuse I had tolerated whilst thinking that I was being strong, I turned my anger on myself for a short while - my dialogue was along the lines of 'how could a Cosmo reading, self-supporting lady possibly have been so blind'. I was beginning to redefine who I thought I was. And then I though 'oh no you don't remember a time when you felt good about yourself. hang on to that, just for today.' Oh boy, I wanted to punch the wind I was so angry. And then I realised that I was using my anger more constructively than I thought. I was making changes that showed my real strength. I found my feet and stood on them and I took credit at the end of each day!! I saw my ability to look after the little girl in me, the girl who had trusted so much, and I felt her approval for what I was doing. It wasn't an easy time, but it turned out to be positive. Very positive indeed.
I think that what I'm trying to say is that I recognise myself in your post and am sending huge hugs. Stay safe, it sounds as if you have turned a corner. It is ok to lean on friends and to reach out for help - you are stronger than you think and when you see what you are capable of I am sure that your self-esteem will shine in you so much more than you can imagine.
Sherrylmd - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I found that when i was living in a similar situation (and you really do seem to describe the last year or so of living with my partner in your posts, violent episodes, wondering if i was safe if i stayed in another locked room, thinking things were 'changing", more abuse...anyway, I really became pretty sick. The stress was unbelievable; when I look back now it's just horrible to think of. I had palpitations in the end and all kinds of awful stress related symptoms. I'd urge you to take really good care of your health because the kind of stress you have been living under will be taking a toll, and as others have suggested, talking to DV services and seeking advice and understanding is a really good idea; they helped me a great deal to make decisions and stop second guessing myself.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
