My ABF has been sober since finishing a six month stay in residential  rehab in Dec, a miracle in itself.  He is not attending  meetings of any sort and so I guess is white knuckling it...he says he will NEVER drink again... and that the  man he was is gone, he doesnt know him anymore, and thank god he says as he has been given a second chance and feels amazing and grateful....To my naivety I'd begun to start to believe that this 20 + year  problem has all but vanished, has been dealt with for now...

  However, currently  the situation is this: after this 20 years of active drinking and major destruction all around, the problem that has overtaken the active drinking is anorexia. ABF doesnt eat anything, doesnt buy food, vomits and uses laxatives and is weighing 98 pounds for a 6 ft1 inch height and has problems with breathelessness amongst other things...always cold, often grouchy and purging etc and mostly in bed by 6pm.  Blood tests show things are dangerous and erratic and he is told if things dont improve he faces hospitalisation. he says he wants to change and get help.

In my naivety I  began to  think the Alcholism was gone only to be supplanted by his other problem which has now escalated out of control...then it dawned on me I'm dealing potentially with the 'isms' and they are as bad as the other things I experienced last year like the endless hospital admissions, abuse, disarray and general mayhem  and everything  we all identify with that made me very ill and got me to al-anon for the first time last August.

The dawning that hit me i think was the other week when after a weekend planned together over an official holiday, he told me on second evening after full day together and landing at his home that I should now go back to my house as he wanted to be alone and he wanted to watch the tv and lie still....him, him, him. Nothing about my journey back and the fact I was tired. When I was upset and told him how I felt, he told me how dare I make him feel bad as he is in recovery and that he was doing well and how dare I drag him back down to a dreadful place. I left with my mind wondering what he was really doing, who he was maybe seeing...and general upset so I got my books out as I felt i was joining in with insane behaviour. These messages have increased to the point that I now feel that if im unhappy with anything, or I feel hurt, If I say how I feel he will not care as he sees it as an upset to him to be questioned  and how dare I for asking. I see it as expressing how I feel.

 Most of our conversation revolves around him and his world and life and is all about him and how great he is. Both being creative types I support and enquire about him, but when it comes to me nothing. His family all revolve around him. He callls parents everyday and they still pay his debts. He still refuses to see his children as it isnt convieniant for him. He even says, that when they are older  they will come looking for him and it will all be ok. They live  half hour drive but he says its too far and expensive for him. He also says its too soon for him in his recovery. Two years have gone since he has seen them.

Last night something my sponsor said made me open my eyes and realise that of course I am still dealing with an alcoholic and how could I not see this and how have I become deluded myself and gone so off track my own recovery.  My sponsor asked me a question which was helpful and difficult  for me to answer  'why do you let him treat you like this'.  For me I ask the same questions and I do struggle to trust him based on past...

I also realise that he is back in work and everyone is saying how great he is, how well he is doing...according to him, that I forgot that I was getting information filtered from my abf who is in recovery yet with no actual recovery happening.

'understanding alcholism is very hard, but last night when my sposnor mentioned  I, Self, Me, it hit me like a brick and really made me think that it is most likely the' isms' im dealing with, and I felt upset for slipping myself.

Im at the point of asking, will things ever change with him as he appears to be selfish to extreme, says sometimes the right things but never backs up with behaviour... maybe he doesnt have it in him and is like the reading with the hardware shop and the loaf of bread. But I dont know why im still hanging in there and what im scared  off.

Thankyou