The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking about upholding boundaries and carrying the weight of others expecting you to uphold their boundaries for them.
Boundaries are hard to start with, right? But even more difficult when someone tells you "if only you would xyz, then the person would be able to do abc for me"....hmmm, so if your own follow through on your personal boundaries is impacted by your want to control someone else's boundaries first...where does that leave you? Placing blame instead of looking introspectively right?
If I'm ok with the boundaries that I have for a situation, recognize the pros and cons of them and the impacts on my if they are loose or solid...then that's what I will choose to follow through with. If you think I should tighten up my boundary because you don't feel comfortable with how it may impact your own life than again, the issue is not what I doing but what you are doing or not doing for yourself.
it just was an aha moment for me today when a person I don't respect called me out on something they needed me to change so I could make their situation better that had zero impact on me personally at all.
When you know you can't control the alcoholic on your life, do you begin to displace control on the other uncontrollable things before looking within at what you can do?
Today was a lesson in that and a text to see that you know what, I've been pretty good at protecting myself these days and not letting someone else and their week boundaries dictate my next step...
Crau Learning how to stay in my own hoola hoop while respecting others personal space enables me to use my Principles above Personalities" tool to the max.
Since program, my principles have been clearly defined and are not subject to change . For years, prior to program my principles varied from person to person. But today I have defined my principles and live up to them regardless of whom I am interacting with .
Today I do not gossip, judge, blame or criticize anyone, if a person is unhappy that I do not participate in this type of conversation, I can explain my principles and move on. I don't have to change them, nor alter my principles or myself to please them That's big for me
My boundaries are for me to honor, not someone else to uphold. My boundaries take care of MY wellbeing - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. My boundaries are not to 'punish' or place conditions on someone else.
For example, I know my best friend drinks heavily on thursday evenings. She will then call me to 'chat' and I can hear her slurring and belligerence. This always made me feel uncomfortable, like she wasn't really 'present' in our conversation. So I set a boundary for ME. And that is, I no longer answer her call on Thursday evenings. I don't even tell her this or why or anything - because it is for ME, not her. I am not doing it to punish her. I'm doing it to protect my own mood and energy.
Likewise, if someone I know has boundaries, they belong to them and have nothing to do with 'me'. If someone is asking me to change something I do - that is NOT a boundary they have, it is simply their attempt to control me or a situation. So that is not a boundary. Other people's boundaries have nothing to do with me. My boundaries have nothing to do with others. Other people's behaviors may lead me to create a boundary, but it's not something I need to even convey to them. I am responsible for myself. If I don't like some scenario or situation because it makes me uncomfortable, it is up to ME to change something. Not them. Boundaries are not to force change, boundaries are self preserving tools.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Thanks for articulating even more now I am feeling today Cyndi. I got whirled into chaos because I broke down a boundary that I had previously set and quickly realized by doing so I release the drama that so try hard to avoid. previously I used to place blame on the person and today I recognized that I opened the door to the drama by stepping back from my boundary and then becoming too concerned with them and making sure I looked good in their eyes. I stopped and asked myself, aside from responding to them-do I feel good about how I handled the situations of previous. I didn't and saw where I could change to put my best me forward- so put up a new set of boundaries for me to uphold.
It's hard though as I so badly want to call this person out for their behavior and recognize that doing so will only result in more drama and me trying to control someone else.
I threw up my big girl pants, nipped in the bud and am letting the parties directly involved deal and I'll just let today pass as a growing pain of recovery.
This is the most helpful thing I could have read today. I have been swirling around in some drama with my friend. I need to figure out what I need and set a boundary. I know anything I do or don't do in this situation will set her off. I like the part about not communicating with her on Thursdays Cyndi. That makes me feel more comfortable. I have difficulty with boundaries and with setting them without feeling I need to communicate them.
I am angry and frustrated about all the chaos she has been causing for no reason. I know this is not the time to address it if ever. Anyway,,,,,thanks for the post.
