The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sort of thought that marriage was a partnership, a companionable one which included someone who I could talk to. My marriage feels like it has a big black hole in it - a space where I try not to think about my husband and things that he has said or done in the past. A space with secrets that remain unexplained and that I'm not allowed to ask about. I don't feel able to have intimacy with someone who remains an enigma to me. It wasn't always this way but it is now.
Two and a half years after the last drinking session; Four years after the affair. I don't think that I am someone who can trust somebody who just wants to brush all that under the carpet. I know it goes with the territory, but I am not seeing much change, just avoidance, on both our parts.
I do ok at living in the moment most of the time. Just For Today has served me well. But I am living my life despite my husband, not alongside him. I would like to think well of my life partner and, in all honesty, I still don't. And I don't like that about me.
(((Milkwood))) I hear you and so understand. It may be time to rework a 4-9th Step on the marriage, so as to uncover the hidden resentments and release expectations. I found that once I was willing to let go of the anger and resentment at my hubby , lines of communications opened up in a positive manner .
Living in denial and pretend can only work for a brief time. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
I have these same feelings and they are really difficult.
I can only offer hugs. But big ones.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Milkwood)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I left my husband before I got Alanon and so I am not sure my input is based on experience but hopefully I can give some help. I think the hurt and damage caused can leave some residual resentment that is difficult to get rid of. For me, there is still a little bit of bitterness that remains. It doesnt impact my life really. I dont see my ex so this is not an issue for me really but I still know its there.
Learning about the disease helped me forgive and leave the past where it is. I learned he never deliberately set out to hurt me. He was sick and suffering from a disease. Thats not to say my pain can't be acknowledged. I was in pain but I had to realise that pain is a short term feeling. I could look back on a period of time or event and see that it was difficult and remember that I was hurt but when I put it into the context of the disease then I can see that it wasn't really about me, it wasn't personal, none of it.
He was/ is driven by something bigger than me and his drinking and actions through the drinking was all about his need to escape his own disturbed and distorted thought processes. This drive was stronger for him than any expectations I might have had about him putting me and his family first or considering the damage his actions or behaviour could cause. So, just because I have a list of acceptable behaviours and values around my marriage and what a Father should be doesnt mean that he was ever part of that or that he shared these. I think overall he does and did share them but to a certain extent and through the haze of drink so how can I expect clear, moral, loving decision making?
So my hurt is mine to deal with. I could explain and justify my viewpoint or my feelings or the hurt until Im blue in the face but unless there have been the whole spiritual, mental physical progress based on a considerable amount of time and recovery then how is he ever going to understand? Even then, my experience of the past is mine and Im not sure anyone could really truly 100% understand.
I put my ex down from the pedestal that was unrealistic to the disease of alcoholism and began to see him as a flawed human being just like me, making mistakes, just like me, sick just like me and doing the best he could with what he had or has, just like me really. He is no better or worse than me and never has been. Forgiving him and me freed me from the majority of the resentment. My ex never cheated on me, as far as I know but he abandoned me and our children on a regular basis. He brought crisis, fear and chaos into our lives on a regular basis. Is infidelity in some way worse or does it have another set of hurts that maybe I am unaware of. Is it more a pride thing when another woman is brought in to the whole mess of this disease?
I couldnt stay and recover to the extent I did. Im not saying your solution and progress depends on you leaving. Have you considered a plan B though. What if leaving is the right thing to do for you? What stops you? What is it you want from him? What is it about him you are basing your own serenity? and why is he responsible? Hope this helps. would love to return to you some of the excellent feedback I have gotten from you.
I too can relate - my AH snapped at me last night over an issue that just keeps raising up - him giving $$ to our son, who already owes us $$$$. This for me is one instance that baffles me over and over again - when I am upset or angry, no matter how I present it, all 3 react in/with anger. The rationale part of my brain sees the insanity of the disease - what normal loving person responds to another's hurt with anger? Yet, I still feel defeated when this happens.
One Day at a Time is very helpful for me as well as QTIP <<< one of my favorites. QTIP comes up for me over and over again as I tend to be sensitive and my first/immediate reaction is to take it personal - words, actions - doesn't matter, a part of me makes it about me. How they talk, how they act, what they do is really not about me - it's about them and the disease. So, PAUSE helps a ton as I can gather my tools, examine my part and then determine what's mine and what's theirs.
As part of my decision to stay in this marriage, I really had to let go of all my expectations for a 'normal marriage' - whatever that is.....it was hard and there was grieving involved. Being grateful for what is working vs. what is not truly helps me and changing my outlook from 'glass half empty to glass half full' also helps. I think it is somewhat normal to want for a loving, caring relationship - this disease just makes that 'want' to be realized as what it is - a 'want'. Focusing on my needs and feeling HP protecting me helps me know I am OK in spite of all that is circling around me.
(((milkwood))) - hugs - I hear you and understand!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like this post because it is filled with recovery. It should be saved in a secure place to refer to time to time when a stronger perception on reality is needed. I read it a get to visit so many of the lessons I learned in program from the elders and my Higher Power. The second step informs me that I will be restored to sanity (a continuous and orderly process of thought) as a result of building that relationship with a Power Greater than myself....Greater Power; Greater understanding with a greater chance of serenity and sanity. In my own little mind which was what I had and what I was left with I could never have arrived at the clearer picture I have today about how my life had become what it had become while being affected by the disease of drug addiction and alcoholism. How is the world can anyone "come to understand" living in such a condition...not even luck would provide it for me. I slipped also and was told DI could get back up and start over which I did and created a recovery habit...daily habit.
Ours is a dis-ease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and with the help and guidance and with the gift provided by our Higher Powers we arrive at serenity. I find my own recovery amazing. Thank you God and your gifts of Al-Anon. (((((hugs)))))
((((Betty)))) - Thank you for the advice, working those steps on my marriage is a good idea. I see plenty that I do wrong and stuff that I do right, for me anyway. AH is not working a programme. He has recently started counselling for depression and anxiety. Lines of communication feel a long way off and I'm turning into a bitter old bat while I'm waiting! I try my best not to and there is lots in my life that I enjoy but I struggle with the balance between taking responsibility for my own life and just letting things go. I wouldn't recommend my isolation to a friend so why am I living with it?
((((El-cee)))) - That is wonderful and generous feedback, so kind, I felt your kindness from here. I will be re-reading it a lot me-thinks! Good questions. I think I know some of the answers, that is what scares me. One of the things that has stopped me from leaving is that I don't give up easily. Perhaps that is the lesson I'm meant to be learning. I'm trying to redefine who I think I am so that I can accept using intellect over my heartstrings (or is that guilt I'm feeling?!!). You are right about pride btw.
((((Iamhere)))) - I'm grateful for your reminders - I need to look at the other half of the glass.
I know it is a disease. I know he is doing what he can. I'm not doing well today. Tomorrow is another day!
