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The last time I went to a f2f meeting was a couple of years ago. I am ready to go again and am wondering about the best way to handle it. Last time my AH was very sarcastic and accusatory about my meetings. I didn't lie where I was going. Monday night was alanon. When I came home he would accuse me of telling stories about him, etc. I told him the forces was on the group members. No one talked about their own personal situation. He didn't believe and although it was his own insecurities, it was a real battle. I refuse to lie about my whereabouts, but attending meetings really caused a lot of tension. I even refused to talk with him about it, but he just taunted me whether I talked or even left the room.
very common .. as many of our situations that bring us together are .. if the situations don't connect, the human nature does .. had to really stop an realize (took step work) .. I wasn't accountable to my partner, I was accountable to my higher power .. I stopped telling him much .. an yes that I was going for me ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 7th of May 2016 10:41:58 PM
Clearly he feels very threatened by the propspect of you getting healthier - alcoholics are very frightened by change, because they know their situation is precarious. It's a house of cards they're living in. So last time he attempted to control you by pitching a fit and not letting up till you stopped going. So now he thinks pitching a fit will work. We can take back our power by not letting their bad mood affect our day. So if he is all bent out of shape and threatened and enraged, we can still go about our business. (Unless he tends to be physically violent - then we need a plan to protect ourselves.) After a while it will slack off and go back to normal. It is not lying if you chose to say "I'm going out for some 'Me' time" or "I'm going to a self-help group to get my own life in order" or however you want to express it, including or not including the word "Al-Anon." Or even, "I'm going out and I'll be back at 9:00, see ya later." Take good care of yourself!
LOL...been here did that...My alcoholic/addict wife had the same complaint until I told her, "they don't know what you look like or your name" "you're not defined". I've had my own anonymity broken which resulted in some threats including a death threat and then it was them that were afraid and not I. Be secure and careful and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Hello El, I love that you are staying true to your own needs and recovery. I also like to stay honest. When my husband expressed similar concerns I simply said that Alanon helps me. If he questions that then I don't think his opinion is worth considering.
I did smile as I read your post because I was reminded of a non-Alanon conversation that took place once when a bunch of us girls got together. One friend's husband had expressed concern as she was leaving the house to join us saying 'all you girls do when you get together is talk about the size of . .'. !!! I must admit that was the only time we ever discussed it - didn't last long though!
When I first went to Al-Anon years ago, my then husband accused me of having an affair. *sigh* I never talked with him about my meetings but he also felt that the meetings involved a bunch of bitter women sitting around in a church hall complaining about their husbands. His attitude was challenging at first, but the healthier I got, the less I 'cared' what he felt. Our marriage ultimately ended but I am forever grateful that I eventually landed in the rooms of recovery.
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
Cyndi
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
By simply attending meetings I was given the appropriate tools to be able to define the program and assure one and all that for, a change, this action that I was taking was for my own mental health and had nothing to do with them for a change. I left the literature around and pointed out the important bookmark Just for Today.
I also found Lunch time meetings that i could attend so that I did not disrupt our evening routines.
It worked
