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Hi All. OK......I am working towards acceptance and detachment with love especially when expectations are not met. This week my SO was diagnosed with alcohol induced hepatitis. Doctor said he HAD to stop drinking. My SO was very down and after blaming the doctor, and bemoaning that life would no longer be fun.....he stated that he would have to quit drinking. Said many times he would have to quit....but he would finish the beer he had in the refrigerator. Then last night he had 2 drinks at the restaurant, in addition to continuing to finish his beers at home. This morning he made a bloody Mary and stated he would be buying more beer today. I didn't say anything right away, but after a few minutes I asked him to explain why he was buying more beer; I didn't understand. He said he knows he needs to stop drinking, he thinks about it every day and for me to not nag him. So, my struggle is....although he knows what he needs to do.....and may or may not do it........I feel that by just standing by and never saying anything, or acting disappointed or just working on me.......that in some way with his strong denial.....he is going to interpret it as I am OK with him ignoring his doctor's strict advice on health. That somehow I agree with his decision that it's OK to just keep on drinking. How do I let him know I am concerned for his health, without nagging or making him feel badly (or more badly) than he already feels? Am I no longer allowed to voice concern? Somehow, that doesn't feel right either!
I have been there. I know how you feel. When doctor's instructions were ignored, even after stating the drinking was over ... I was so angry.
Experience shows that what we say doesn't make a difference. I believe they already know we don't approve of drinking against medical advice.
At times like this ... and I am not religious ... even I found the idea of "putting it in the God box" helpful. Just a suggestion, if it would make you feel that you have spoken your truth, maybe you could calmly state just one time what is on your heart, and then hand it over to the HP of your understanding.
Speaking for myself, I never got to that calm statement place, but looking back, I think it may have been the best thing to do.
I am not saying this would work for alcoholics, because if anything worked for alcoholics, we'd know about it. But I knew someone who had diabetes and was not taking care of himself. His doctor had given him all the instructions and so forth and he just was ignoring them and eating all the things that were bad for him. One day he had a big plate of stuff that was bad for him and his wife was going over some documents. He asked her what she was doing and she was looking over his life insurance and his will and making sure everything was in order and nothing had been left undone. He said that shocked him out of his denial and then he started taking care of his diabetes. The wife was doing this to make a statement but also because she really needed those documents to be in order, because the way he was headed, she was going to need them. I would urge you to get your similar documents in order too. And if he sees you doing them and answers any questions you may have about dispersal of his assets, his insurance, etc., then that's just feedback on the consequences of his decisions. You deserve to have the insurance and will stuff go smoothly, if/when the time comes.
Sounds like your doing well. I felt detaching was wrong at first too and felt much like you do but i kept with it kind of faking it until i began to really understand the logic of it. I mean i spent 20 years expressing how i felt and what i thought. 20 yrs of evidence, first hand evidence that this did nothing to change the drinker. I was open to the idea that my thinking was wrong and may be contributing to the disease so learning to get my hands off, keep my distorted thinking out of it, live and let live was strange, felt wrong all the rest of it but it was the right thing to do. Your husband knows, he heard the doctor, he feels the effects, he knows better than anyone the risks. He is sick with alcoholism so his compulsion to drink is stronger than the fear of illness or death. Unfortunately nothing you do or say can change this, as mattie said we would have known by now. Leaving him to it is most likely the best course of action. Without judgement or attempts to control. Not to say you cant express how you feel but say it once and let it go. He has his own higher power and without you judging or controlling he may even consider things that he wouldnt before. Read the merrygoround called denial, it really helped me.
I can only say what I did. I left because I didn't want a front row seat to a selfish slow suicide. I am betting your husband will know where you stand though even if you say nothing. Also, you can tell him certain things factually without it being "nagging." His perception will be any discussion of the reality will be "nagging." You have to know your own motive. And when you are stating facts here and there...not repeatedly, you can state "I am not nagging. I am stating the facts."
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 7th of May 2016 04:04:23 PM
My A partner has a truckload of health problems including having seizures whenever he drinks (which is often). So between his mother and I, we were constantly trying to drag him to doctors and make him drink this smoothie and take that vitamin and researching this and that to try to cure a) his seizures and other issues and b) alcoholism. Ha.
You know what I realised? He was SO USED to us watching his health for him that he KNEW if anything bad happened to him, we'd be on it in a second. I mean geeze I would go check on him when he was passed out to make sure he was breathing etc...he never had to worry for a moment that he might be left to the consequences of his lifestyle because he knew I'd have him in the hospital in a heartbeat if anything went wrong. I had this ridiculous idea that if he felt cared for and loved he might eventually care for himself. Lol.
I'm sure you see my point.
Like with everything, when i stopped making his appointments, waking him for them, taking his phone calls, minding that he paid his bills, and just let it all happen, he started to take care of those things himself (and how amazing for me to discover, he actually could......I think he let me do all of that stuff because it made me feel "needed"). The same, strangely enough...went for his own health.
Anyway these things take time but if you do absolutely nothing (other than getting yourself prepared for the financials, that's wise) and focus purely on you and your own serenity and happiness, it might have the bonus effect of saying more to him than any words, no matter how carefully chosen can.
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you so much! Reading everyone's thoughts on this really makes it sink in. He knows what has to be done and he knows how I feel. Time to worry about me.
The psychological profile of alcoholism is that they are risk takers and this is one example of the truth of it. Since alcoholism is a fatal disease it qualifies the consequences of the risk taking...fatal. For me that set my expectations up into reality and while my alcoholic/addict eventually made a more opposite decision I wasn't living in fear any longer. She would die if she had not found the treatment program and humbly followed it. Our marriage endend and it was good to see her clean and sober when we parted ways. (((((Hugs)))))
What makes you feel that he doesn't already know you are concerned with his health? Believe me he knows that you are concerned and I am sure that he is at some level. The decision to stop drinking is on him and you can't force him to stop....as maddening as it is. Focus on yourself now. Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts.
