The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been dreading this day for awhile now. I'm glad it's here. Today is my husband and my fifteenth anniversary.
Our relationship has been very very difficult for quite some time now. We've been separated for 9 months, but he is still in resistance to that. He is a good man, but his denial is so strong. Our communication is terrible - I try to communicate, mainly to coordinate about our kids' lives and needs, since they split their time between our homes. Sometimes he works with me, but sometimes he sabotages in a way that is so difficult for me. Continual onslaughts of meanness don't hurt my feelings any more, but they still wear me down. The worst part is that I then spend a lot of energy avoiding him, and not communicating what I need to. This makes everybody's lives more difficult. Lots of chaos and uncertainty about what is going on, where kids need to be, etc.
It is such a tortured dance. I see where my boundaries are too loose. Mainly, I tell myself, because I am SO tired of continually having to protect my boundaries with strength. This week, I had to step away further. He asked if we could go to dinner tonight, and I said no, I do not enjoy being around you, and right now there is nothing to celebrate in our relationship.
I felt like such a 'bad guy' - but it was necessary. Then he asked if he and kids could make me breakfast on mother's day, 2 days after our anniversary. I declined that too, and told him I just wanted to spend time alone with each child at some point. It is just too volatile, right now, for us to all be together in a healthful way. Especially since the kids were having a hope (abetted by him) that I could move back in as an anniversary gift for him. Sigh.
Last anniversary, I told myself I would not let myself get to our 15th anniversary, if things were continuing as they had been. Two weeks ago, driven by this 'deadline', I was considering moving forward to legally separate. Somehow, practicing "one day at a time" I understood that I can change my mind. Right now, I am most interested in practicing peace. I am not sure if I can do it, as things are, if his denial continues, but today, I am ok that I have not followed my stated intention. Life is messy, deadlines like anniversaries are artificial, and today I am just trying to live for today, being gentle to myself, and hopefully my AH too.
I am grateful that he has reconnected with his sponsor. We are both working on our 4th step. I just texted him a photo of today's reading on the 5th step - and he thanked me, and replied he is already working on it with his sponsor.
One day at a time. So hard for a planner like me, yet offering all kinds of new insights and ways of being in the world.
"Deadlines like anniversaries are artificial." I like that too. I have come to the realization that having to celebrate holidays, and birthdays, on the actual date, aren't really necessary. I guess that comes from being divorced, and having children. You are doing some healthy thinking, and I applaud you.
I am a planner too. I guess that comes with trying to make everything just perfect all of the time, and controlling things. It's amazing how little control I really have, and recognize the freedom with that.
Enjoy your day, and your Mother's Day, the way that you want to.
oceanpine - great share and it sounds like you are working your program exactly as we are taught - one day at a time. I too like that reference to anniversaries as deadlines being artificial. That is a very logical and realistic way to view it and you are correct - life is messy.
Keep working on you and know that you're not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Kenny, Sweetness, Thorn and Iamhere. Your words mean a lot.
It was a difficult day, and I'm glad that it is over. This week has been a gauntlet of things to get through, and a real rollercoaster. Quite a number of times, I came here to post/vent, but didn't... and now I'm grateful to be on the other side of it.
Our 11 year old had a music performance on the evening of our anniversary - my AH chose not to go - but he did get to an AA meeting so hopefully he got some of what he needed.
I see how an ODAT perspective can get one through difficult times - and I have questions about it for another post.
