The material presented
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As I start to get better I find those around me who aren't trying to get better really challenging to deal with. It sounds really awful to write it like that but here we go. I am learning now by looking at things from a different perspective how much I mediated for my AH (and others in general). My BFF who is also good friends with my AH as well got into a disagreement with my AH about plans we were making. I stayed out of it even though she ranted to me once about him I just ignored those texts told her to talk to him and moved on. That was a few months ago and things went back to normal between us. Then I was telling her about something that I was excited about and she proceeds to rant about my AH about the previous issue that had nothing to do with ME but did have something to do with what I was excited about (some travel plans). I was shocked at the messages I was getting from her about him. So I told her to talk to him about it. She continued to rant and I told her I didn't appreciate her putting me in the middle of her issue with AH and that I don't sort out issues between grown adults anymore and I wish her the best in sorting it out. She didn't speak to me for two days. Then sends me a message saying she things I need space because I am under a lot of stress and she isn't going to talk to me until June because I am obviously stressed (based on past things wayyyy in the past I have discussed with her about my frustrations in my marriage). Well that really made me mad. And here is where now that I am writing it I should have used the slogan "when in doubt don't" But I did so here we go. I told her that was insulting I wasn't irrationally annoyed with her because I am stressed. I told her that I didn't confide in her so she could throw it in my face now and that it really hurts that she is doing that to me. And blah blah blah. She just kept putting all the responsibility back on me. Making me seem like I'm the crazy one. She didn't take any responsibility for her own passive aggressive actions and of course I let myself be spun into a tailspin over it all. UGH. Just writing this out I can see exactly where I went wrong. I'm exhausted today I should have HALTed and not responded for however long I wanted to. I should have focused on myself. I feel like I have inappropriately taken the blame for everything for so long (I was always a big person on saying SORRY SORRY SORRY even when it wasn't my fault) that it bothers me when people are so good at pointing fingers at everyone else and have zero insight (my BFF and my AH both have these traits so I had better learn to manage that trigger). I think it's time to accept the things I cannot change (SIGH my friend's behaviour), change the things I can (reign in the finger pointing at her) and hopefully things will settle. Any ESH would be much appreciated.
(((KT))) - I found that when I started working the program and using the tools, there were a few people who weren't sure what was changing....just like my qualifiers, they really did not like it and wanted the old chaotic, needy me back. I've learned that there are many who prefer to live vicariously through the drama and mayhem of others, and when that changes, they just don't know what to think or how to react.
The friendships that matter survived. Those that were less stable did not. What I've also come to 'see' with more clarity and sanity is that hanging with the winners means letting go of some who see life through shaded views - negative, needy folks.
You are doing fine - you reacted, you've shared it here and you see where you could have done different. Make your amends when you are ready/able and let it go. Sorry that it's festering under the surface and I can relate to what you are sharing!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That sounds like some really abusive nonsense tbh. Red flags and alarm bells for me at the "I'm not going to talk to you until June". That is the sort of abitrary controlling stuff that can really cause me to come unglued. Not that you are looking for validation of this fact but, nonetheless I get why you felt reactionary!!
'Tis very true that qualifiers and less than healthy persons will try to pull us back into playing out drama for them. I have found that i need to distance myself from those that continually display this kind of behavior. Knowing it is all about them and not really any of my business helps.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think it's time to accept the things I cannot change (SIGH my friend's behaviour), change the things I can (reign in the finger pointing at her) and hopefully things will settle. Any ESH would be much appreciated.
I agree I think you did a great job identifying the issue, owned your part in the situation and now it is time to "Let Go and Let God". No need to say "I am sorry" I found that making amends for me was more effective if i explored the situation, owned my part, found the lesson I needed to learn from the incident and then changed my behavior. You are doing great.
Thanks all for your support around this. Meliss thank you for the validation around abusive nonsense. I really needed to hear (Read) that. And the nonsense has just continued. UGH. I let it work me up into a tizzy yesterday and I was a big old mess about everything. Trying to control everyone and everything. Not wanting to be alone, desperate and needy and blah blah blah. I won't bore you with all the unnecessary details. Both my AH and I have attempted to smooth things over and she has just created more and more hostility around this whole issue. She is so obviously angry and refusing to even talk to us about things in a grown up manner. Yesterday I took every single thing personally and to heart. it felt like everyone was attacking me and abandoning me and I felt really lonely. I tried to seek out other friends and my sponsor and some al anon friends to comfort me but no one was available so I felt even more rejected (even though I know it's not true). I went to the gym alone last night (because my gym buddy wasn't even free lol). I had a really good workout in the class just me by myself (with my HP of course). And I felt a bit better when I got home. I got into bed and my AH asked me something about the situation with my friend and I got very nasty. I started talking about her in a nasty angry way and my AH turned to me gave me a hug and said "No KT that's not you, I know you're hurt but you're not that kind of person to say those things, don't lower yourself into all that mess". He proceeded to remind me what a good person I was and how I have been doing so well and to not take it personally. Then we had this really deep conversation about how it had been one of those days where we both were taking things personally and everyone seemed to hate us. WOW in the past he would have jumped on the band wagon of trashing my friend and finger pointing at everyone about every single problem. Even though I couldn't go to sleep and got up to watch TV and stew that conversation sunk in. It reminded me to focus on myself and "let go and let God" with my friend. I have tried all of my old behaviours with her (and some of my new ones lol) and nothing has worked. This friend of mine drove away her maid of honour two weeks before her wedding and then used that as a way to make herself the victim to anyone who would listen and join in on the criticism. I can see now how the maid of honour had to step down because this friend was getting so angry about things and she couldn't be reasoned with. If she had gone through with her role as MOH it would have been a disasterous day. And I can see this going to that level with my friend. No matter what I do (or don't do) it will be wrong because she's angry SO I might as well make decisions based on what is best for me instead of trying to smooth things over with her and doing things I don't really want to do.
The good things that have come out of this are that I realized I needed to practice detachment from this friend. I had been confiding in her and relying on her but that was a mistake because she has taken it and thrown it in my face. Instead of focusing on that I will remind myself that she is not the person to open up to and maybe someone in the program (like my sponsor) is a better fit for talking to about my problems. I know that she is functioning in the only way she knows how and that she is probably not sitting scheming about how to make my life miserable but at the same time I have to take care of myself and cannot continue on with this friendship the way it has been going. I need a bit of a break or a time out or something. I definitely need some space from it.
The other good thing I noticed is that my AH can see the changes in me from our conversation. And I see him getting a bit better too now that I am doing better. I don't speak about the program in detail to him but it can't help but come out in conversations. I notice he asks me a lot more for input into how to manage situations with people. It's funny how I used to always be desperate for him to ask me for my advice and he NEVER would even if I forced it on him he would ignore it lol. Now I try not to give him advice but I do share my experiences with things like that. I hear him using some of the slogans without realizing it. Like keep it simple. In the past I would have pointed out that was an al anon slogan and an AA slogan and he might want to get himself to AA if he likes it so much LOL. But I haven't. I can see the miracle of being in the program and the peace it has brought to my home and my family. It is true that as one person gets better the whole family starts to get better. Even if he never gets fully sober or never goes to AA I can accept that now. It's not about me and my agenda. And that is comforting. As Betty often says "accepting life on life's terms" (I love that saying Betty). I can appreciate the progress I do see like as I drove to the gym last night in a terrible mood he was full out playing with our daughter in a nearby park. They both looked so happy it brought tears to my eyes.
So today I am using the slogan "easy does it". I am putting her and this whole issue in the hands of my HP. I am going to take time to decide on the next move regarding this trip we are supposedly planning together and I am going to move on with my life. I appreciate all the ESH I get here. Thanks for always being there and always responding to me. It makes a huge difference in my life.
