The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment or maybe stone dropping is a better description. I've always had this very rigid expectation around public behaviour. For myself and those around me and descended from me. I can not enjoy my coffee if anyone has messy hair or mismatched clothes, and god forbid any child does something like drop a toy or stand up on a train seat in an empty carriage to look out the window. There will be consequences and stern explanations. You want a drink/cracker/walk in the park? Well, I want a ride on the moon, use your manners and say "I would like". Some of this stuff sometimes is good. But all the time its bloody awful. And its all motivated by a fear of embareasment and old shame. I knew with my head that controlling rigidity is a side effect of living with alcoholism but its dropped down to actual understanding. Checking motivations applies I think. When I am attempting to direct small people I must ask myself, am I trying to teach them right from wrong or am I trying to keep up appearances? Lightbulb moment!
I like that share a4l. I like it very well. Was just sharing coffee and recovery with a sponsee and this idea was bantered around a bit. Reality? Yeppers we only have some, not all control over our own consequences and then we have acceptance of the things we cannot control. It takes a God to tell me what to do. (((Hugs)))
Great share and awareness A41. I dicoveed examining my motives in all situations revealed my need to be pervfect and avoid judgment of any kind. Thanks to program HP has lifted many of my defects ,(this being a huge one) and today when i examine my motives, I am most likely to find an alanon principle How great is that??? . Keep up the good work.
Your lightbulb moment was a bulb dropping Aha for me.....that is so the way I was when my boys were small - very rigid, and high expectations. For me, it certainly was a FOO issue - that's how we were raised - perceptions were far more important than anything else. I have to remind myself that I am a work in progress and if I knew back then what I know now - who knows how things may have turned out....
I have become way more tolerant of everything as a result of this program and finding my own inner peace. It's very freeing when I can remember that I am learning, growing and imperfect. Great awareness and great reminder of looking at my motives.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes! I felt immense judgement from my FOO in all things. So, when I had my son I felt dual urges to defy them with loving acceptance of my little human, and somehow meet or exceed their expectations. Very confusing.
I also realized I cope with chaos by controling or trying to control my son at times. Mostly little things like making him nap, or getting him dressed and out the door. It is not so much the thing we are doing but the way I treat him. My anxiety kicks in and my thoughts become rigid. My tone of voice and patience level shift and I'm just not the same mom I usually am. In the past I would have blamed AH or anyone else who could be the source of my stress but these are my actions. I am responsible for changing the situation. I don't like that part of myself and I am working to catch myself and change my behaviors.
Edna its hard, i have no children yet have
Had pets and yes i expected my dogs to obey
and behave. I would get angry and upset
otherwise.
I find with my clients that dont behave well
I Do not want to take them out in public. I
Dont want to chance any embarrassment to
Me.
So much of who we are is in our upbringing,
Its hard to change that. I am learning to love
Me so my thoughts and behaviors are hopefully
getting saner and more realistic.
When I 1st came into the rooms..the word "reasonable" preceded expectations; it is since something I hear less and less. I do not live my life without expectations; what I do is check my motives and ask two questions..Is is reasonable and HOW important is it? The answer to those questions determines my response. Are there times when I experience disappointment, sure..but that too IS reasonable, it is how I deal with such emotions that matters. What I have learned is that everything need not be perfect for me to be happy and I can be content in realizing that people make mistakes, delays will happen and that if everything is not just so (neat and orderly) the world will not end.
I have also learned that I do not have to accept unacceptable behaviors (deciding what is acceptable is a form of expectation) and that I am as entitled to speak my truth as the next person, that I can remove myself from any situation that is not healthy for me and that the opinions of others are just that opinions..no more nor less valuable than mine. I can agree to disagree and can leave others to stew in their own juices should they not be as enlightened as to feel the same. As long as my motives are in check, it's just sooo much easier to do the next right thing.
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
