I was upset this morning at 5 am to hear the disease has kicked in agaim for my mother. I had sent her a picture of the grandkids with the ah who is back in island of heritage. I didn't really want to send it because I thought it might just be an opportunity for rejection. But I did anyway. I felt very angry though not surprised. Even though I've gone no contact, I'm ashamed of her. Ashamed. That is the feeling. In a way, its been helpful to know what and where that sense comes from. I often get crippled by shame. And this morning I remembered why. Feelings are not facts. Years of a drunk parent, covering it up, being hyper responsible, and oh so controlling, motivated always by this sense of shame. Over the years, I've learned to detangle myself from the messes of others and going no contact with mother earlier felt like a releif. But in all my years in and around recovery, I hadn't had to deal with her actively drinking again. There had been a few slips but not chaos. The part of me that spent years enmeshed with her is so angry that she could be so weak. The recovery voice is saying, its a disease, compulsion of the mind, allergy of the body. Mostly I'm deeply deeply sad that she will go out drunk. She's 60. Powerless. I am powerless. And perhaps, there but for the grace of god go I. I do not think I will even see her again. She has made her choices and there were always options. I feel like she has died. In hindsight all of her thinking got stinking just before I cut off. I know it was the right thing to do. Detach and hand it over. Could use a face to face, can't get to one till sunday, thanks for listening. Feel better already.