The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been going to Al Anon for about 13 years now - in the early years. mainly just picking up a few tidbits here and there, kinda like an Al Anon observer, but over the past two years or so, when I retired, I've become VERY active in a few local groups - I'm learning about and living the message, and I'm especially grateful that I was given the strength to Detach with Love about two years ago - my son is 30 years old, with alcohol, drug, and depression issues. Since I detached, his contact with me has been VERY limited - when we exchange a text message, it's very short, and when we actually talk on the phone (rarely), although it's not explicitly stated, I sense a lot of anger - not necessarily directed to me, just anger in general.
I'm devastated - I see him drifting away further and further from me, and I'm afraid that he'll just cut the connection completely soon - I guess if that's what he has to do to find his way, I'd have to learn to be OK with it, but man-oh-man, it'd be the worst kick in the gut that I could ever imagine - any ESH you guys can share with me?
((TY)) I am sorry that you are feeling a distance from your son, Alanon promises that by working the program we will instinctively know how to handle difficult situations so as to feel better each day
That by accepting life on life's terms and living one day at a time we can learn to live a life filled with courage, serenity and wisdom. Alanon does not promise that our changed attitudes will make an alcoholic sober only that we will be restored to sanity.
There is a reading in the ODAT that speaks to this situation and suggests that the parent trust HP, pray on the situation and have patience . The child will reach out.
Its hard when its your child, the hardest ever. Im sorry. I still have my son in my life and Im grateful for that and I can only imagine the sadness you feel at limited contact. This could be for me in the future because I cant put up with the destructive behaviour so limited contact may be coming my way. However, I can only live in this one day. The future is none of my business really and distracts me from living fully. Just for today I have contact, you have contact and for that we can be grateful. Noone knows the future, its all a guessing game. The what ifss are so negative. Try the reverse what if your son gets into recovery and comes back fully into your life. This has the same chance of being your reality as the opposite. I suggest pray on it, let go, wrap him up and give him to his Higher Power, concentrate on living fully and enjoying your life, time out for fun and good times.
(((texas-yankee))) - I can so relate to your post. My youngest (22) has been distancing himself for the last month+. I have been working hard on acceptance and know that we are on different journeys, but there is just something that makes it so hard to let go and let God when it's your child. Our communication is similar to yours, and there is now often days before he responds. I almost feel guilty at times when I am able to find serenity - a part of me suggests if he's not happy, healthy, etc. then I shouldn't be - that's my insanity still ... aligning my well-being with that of another.
Just for today, I am going back to the basics - surrender, powerlessness, gratitude lists and self-care. It seems to be what is speaking to me this morning, and I am grateful for the program and the solutions we are presented with when we are facing fear of the unknown. There is a part of my brain that always wonders if he knows how much I love him - just in case he dies of this disease? *Sigh* - again, my own crazy-making brain.
I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts - you are not alone....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Texas Yankee, I can certainly relate to your feelings about the distance between you and your son. I find myself often yearning for the way things used to be before addiction came into our lives wishing , waiting for things to be like they were before. I have had to accept that is not going to happen. But.... We are all different people now, there is no going back. She is not the innocent child that I like to reminisce about. She is also not a hopeless case. I have to remind myself time and time again to remain in today and stop projecting. What if she goes back to substance use. (She is newly sober, 5 months), what if she drops out of school again, what if she doesn't continue going to meetings, and on and on and on. Some days are better then others. Your son knows that you love him. Fear is a monster that grows to enormous proportions if we feed it. I am choosing to focus on what if she remains sober, what if she goes on to use her life to inspire others, what if this is the path she was meant to be on for reasons that I do not understand.
Texas Yankee...just keep coming back for yourself...your son has his own choices many of which are different than yours and these choices create different paths some we smile at and others make us groan. My eldest son was from his own personality distanced from me from birth. He was and is oppositional which malady I also claim...kinda like a dna trait. He also is alcoholic/addict and for years drank and used and then got clean and sober and cooperated in raising a nice family and then relapsed after many years of living without. There are many times when our lives parallel some what and more when they didn't and we lived in mutual respect though our histories are different. What is similar is we were born and raised within the disease of isms which goes counter to mutual relationships. His family is destroyed as he has relapsed and our relationship from my side is founded on the program tool of acceptance. Like me he is a child of God and that is the origin I respect. He isn't and wasn't supposed to be a duplicate of myself other wise he may not have survived to have another day to reconsider the options. God bless you and your son, me and mind. I love the idea and suggestion of "abandon" yourself to God. It has more of finality in my relationship with HP. Consider that might it not be getting better twix you and your son yet you are using a more dated perspective. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thank you all! Great post and responses. I have two teenagers caught up in the disease net. One not living with me anymore. Yes, it's very hard when it's your child. That's the truth. We TRY to live by the truth today in The Program. Not always easy.
The other truths we need to live by are: I have to take care of ME first, then others. They have their own HP and it's not me. I can't control others and what they do. If I keep my own recovery going, they know where to turn too when/if they ever want help. Sometimes the best thing we can do is watch from the sidelines and let their life unfold. Pray. Let go and let God.
This is a thread that hits very close to home with me. My son is distancing himself from me too. That is usually a sign that he is doing things he does not want me to see. This can be drug/alcohol related or just lifestyle choices. In my time in Al-Anon I have learned that the best I can do for him is let him be. He has his own journey and he doesn't want me along for the ride. I have been on that ride, and I can honestly say, I am not going there again with him! I am here when he is ready to be a part of my life again. His choice when that will be. I can only pray for him while he is out there on his own. And pray for my grandson who has no choice but to be along for the ride. Not easy in some ways, but easier in others.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thanks, everyone, for the ESH - I'm so grateful for you sharing your feelings with me. For me, I don't understand how many of the pieces and parts of Al Anon work, but I have found that if I just do what the program tells me to do, my life, generally, is better. I wrestled for so long with trying to understand all the precepts of Al Anon, thinking that if I could understand it all, I'd believe it all, and then be able to make it a part of my daily life - what I came to realize was that I had to skip "understand it all" and even give up on "believe it all" and just DO IT ALL, as well as I could as I made my way down the path. I got caught up on the "believe it all" because so many of the things like detachment ran counter to my already developed belief system about what a parent is supposed to do for their kid - I don't think that not believing in something that Al Anon presents to us is a bad thing - as long as I just do it - in those situations, I'll gladly reap the benefit of doing something that's worked for so many millions of other people, even if I don't believe in it.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Monday 9th of May 2016 07:27:50 AM
God bless you and your son, me and mind (thanks from me too jerry on this one) .
so many great replies .. texas i'm wondering if you have ever had a sponsor ? they help tremendously .. just a thought .. an prayers from my end too ..
