The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a new member...just couldn't keep my feelings inside right now and rather than scream and slam doors and scare my pets, I figured I would post here. I am 16 years sober which I am thankful for. It has not been easy, especially over the last few years. It all seems to revolve around my 17 year old daughter. Since she hit puberty at around 12, there has been such a spiral downward - seemed to be getting better for a while but the last year has been like living in hell. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14, got put on antidepressants. She has been on them for 2 years. It seemed to help the anxiety. Anyway, there is too much to go into and I'm sure many of you know what it feels like to live with someone like this. I feel so alone right now. I am a mom who is supposed to protect my kids. But what do you do when they refuse to help and refuse to help themselves? My daughter has been self destructing with alcohol and pot and possibly more for the last year or so. She now has stopped going to school and will have to take the exit exam. She blames everything on me and everyone else. She has stayed out without letting us know where she is...she has kicked in two windshields...she has verbally abused me to the point of severe demoralization. It is only getting worse. The police have been involved three times now - once for a welfare check, once for kicking in our windshield, and once for passing out in the park and being in a blackout wandering around. She keeps her friends a secret - I have to find them on facebook. She has homeless friends, drug addicted friends, and who knows what else. I can't talk to her at all anymore - we are completely disconnected. I feel absolute despair about her future and ours. I have started therapy for myself (been 6 times now). My therapist suggested alanon which I did attend one meeting and sat there with welling up tears the whole time. The last two days I have had no mental energy for much of anything. I had a breakdown over her issues about 3 years ago and couldn't sleep, eat, etc. I have been slowly coming out of my depression but lately I feel utterly lost and judged by everyone including myself. I try to push forward, dealing with things that need to be done. I have a 13 year old son and a husband who need my attention and love but I feel depleted and often find myself shutting down when anything is asked of me. I can't believe I thought my kids would escape the hell of addiction when every single person in our family is either an alcoholic or drug addict or both. My husband drinks occasionally when we go out but never at home unless we have wine for our guests at Christmas.
I know I am rambling. I just feel like I need something to comfort me. Sometimes when I lay down to go to sleep I picture a huge angel wrapping me up in his arms. Then I pray for my family and my daughter. I feel so utterly alone and in pain - because I know she is in pain. Every time I reach out to her - usually by text now because when I open my mouth she shuts me down immediately - she turns everything I said against me - twists logic then tells me I'm the illogical one. I am embarrassed to admit that I have let this girl talk to me this way and I have not known how to give consequences. I cut her off internet once and she sliced herself - she threatened suicide another time and that's when I called the police for a welfare check. She is belligerent to the cops too - takes out her phone and starts recording them - then asking "are you a Republican? Are you a Republican"...on and on and on. This is insanity I am living in. My husband is more of the tough love type and I'm more of the she needs counseling type. Well, we both agree with the counseling but he is adamant that when she's 18, if she isn't going to school or working, she is out of our house. I agree to a point but if she is severely mentally ill, how will that help her? She will be 18 in Sept. and our only option if she refuses to get help of some kind is to throw her out! She already acts homeless...not showering regularly...room is a filthy dump and actually hanging around homeless people in town. She has sucked the joy out of this family and is sucking the life out of me by her actions. I feel such sadness and compassion when I think of how she must feel about having to grow up. She's a smart girl and she knows she is throwing it all away. But she blames us for stuff we didn't do. She claims abuse when there has been none other than typical arguments - no belittling - no name calling - none of that. We are human and we have not been perfect parents but this is the most bizarre thing. I feel isolated when I am around people because they go on and on about petty problems and I want to scream. I try to keep up with "self care" - god I hate that term. I want to know how to "detach with love" when it is the child you gave birth to...nursed for almost 3 years....nurtured and loved....admired and encouraged....how the hell do you detach? I will always love my daughter no matter what she does, says, or is. But I can't live with a monster either. I'm so sick of reading on the internet how to help a depressed teenager...how to get your teen into rehab....all of this changes when they have the ability to say "no". She had a 2 hour screening at the behavioral health with her dad and I and after the whole thing she said she didn't want counseling because it would take valuable time away from her friends. Friends? She has been drunk more than not for the last two months and I don't know how to tolerate it. We legally cannot kick her out and we cannot force her into counseling. We have a diversion class to attend in a week or so and hopefully it will scare her but right now she believes all authority figures are just idiots or judgemental jerks.
The worst part about this is the feeling that I am not me without knowing my daughter is happy and healthy - or at least relatively so. I know that means I am co-dependent which I could have told anyone already. And the guilt - that somehow this is my fault. I know intellectually it isn't my fault, anymore than me being an alcoholic is not my fault. I was born this way. Also, I was adopted at birth and grew up with non alcoholics - so for me to then become one only gives the idea of genetics more weight. It takes this to a whole new level when it is the kid you are supposed to protect who is turning against life - slowly killing herself. That saying "a mother is only as happy as her saddest child" is so true right now. I want to learn to find peace amid this nightmare. Sorry for the novel. I have been reading a lot of posts here lately and I find that it feels good to know I am at least not alone. This superficial world makes me feel like isolating more, which I know is not good. It is so hard to be optimistic when your child is suffering.
I am wondering - what do you do when you feel hopeless...what "self care" do you do? How do you shut down the tormenting thoughts - the what ifs? The catastrophizing? I need to keep going to the meetings but they are at such inconvenient times and I live about 9 miles from town. There's one a day in my town - usually in the evening. I guess beggars can't be choosers.
Strangeworld thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking story about your daughter. It brought me to tears because we are going through similar issues here with my soon to be 17 year old son. Right now he self-medicates his anxiety with marijuana. But it seems he will smoke 24/7 if he had it. Any money he makes is spent on pot. It's so sad to know that he will never have money to buy a car or anything of value. Literally that is all he buys is pot, snacks and candy to feed his munchies. He too does not go to school anymore. Tells me he wants to get signed out but I got a doctors note to get him home instruction at least to finish out junior year. I hate to see him quit at this stage of the game. I get the same verbal abuse from him. Telling me he's like this because I didn't put him in a certain little league baseball team when he was younger. When he doesn't have his pot he demands we lend him money and flips out. He has gotten more than I ever have as a kid. I have a 14 year old daughter and she is total opposite of him. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has not drank for almost a year. But I just found out today he's been bumming pot from my son. I don't know what the answer is. I do have my son on Prozac going on 2 months and he's in therapy. I don't see much of a difference. My only salvation is going to work to get away from it all. I told him the same thing if he quits school and no job he's out of house at 18. I just want peace in my life. I am so glad to know I'm not alone. Prayers to you and your family.
Strangeworld - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I am so very sorry about what has brought you here and I can relate. In Al-Anon, we learn the three C's - 1. We did not cause this. 2. We can not cure this. 3. We can not control this. These 3 simple statements were the first small ounce of relief that I had in a very long time.
I too am sober - 28 years going on 29. I met and married my husband in recovery - 6 years sober. We had our first born a year later and our second child 2 years after that. He relapsed between the two boys, and hid it pretty well for about 8-10 years. He had pulled away and has depression, so that is what I assumed was wrong. Perhaps it was the catalyst - makes no difference - he relapsed 22 years ago and never came back to the recovery program. He is not evil or bad - he is sick. In spite of being in active addiction, he never lost a job, always brought home his check and did the best he could in spite of the disease.
My oldest child sounds like your daughter...his disease caught us all off guard and I was a wreck. I fully understand where you are. We forced treatment and he went 5 times. He also ended up in 2 Mental Health facilities, Jail and in State Custody. When he turned 18, we didn't have to boot him - he took off and couch surfed for a while. He OD on H and hit his bottom. He went back to treatment, got clean and stayed sober for 5 years. He decided at the age of 22 he could drink because he was legal and went off the charts again for a while. He's now sober again - not sure for how long.
Because all my sanity, energy and mental faculties went to 'fixing' my first born, my second born who was living right was neglected. He chose to follow in his brother's footsteps and everything I wrote about was magnified as he started his disease/use later. He aged out, moved out, also went to numerous treatment centers, jail, prison and was actually kicked out of the homeless shelter - asked to never return again. He's been able to stay sober no more than 60 days (outside of institutions) and is active still.
The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. There is no amount of love, willpower, energy, etc. that you can expend that will affect a change unless/until they want a change. We call those who have the disease our qualifiers, and my qualifiers (and yours) are not bad people - they are sick people. They are broken by something, often unknown to them, which causes them to self-medicate to escape dealing with reality. The nasty words, accusations, name-calling, etc. - I have had to learn in this program that it's not about me - it's about them.
Every person with addiction issues is different. The disease presents differently and progresses differently. What is often similar is our experience - those of us who love/live with them. We often feel hopeless, sad, despair, alone, shame, guilt, remorse, etc. Al-Anon can and will help you focus on you so that if/when your daughter wants help - you can be of service to her recovery. It's heart-breaking to witness and experience - I know as do others here. Just know that there is hope and you are not alone.
(((Hugs))) to you - please keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both for your replies. My heart goes out to you both. Yankeerose, my husband found a bong in my daughter's room over last summer...I didn't know she was smoking until then. Since that point it has been downhill. It is the most heartbreaking and terrorizing situation. I'm sorry your son is doing it too. Iamhere, yes the three Cs. I wish I could get it out of my mind that I didn't cause this. I am so sorry both your kids have been going through this too on and off - but it is nice to know they are willing to go into recovery. This is an EVIL disease. I have only recently started praying and I will continue because it seems to be the only momentary solace I can find these days.
Thank you again for your replies - it is helpful to know I am not alone. I wish there was a magic pill we could all take.
Strangeworld. I can very much relate to how you are feeling. That was me a year ago. I was a complete wreck. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and was only focused on saving my AD who was spiralling downwards. My husband was also the tough love type although very supportive. I was the counselling she needs help type. Neglected my friends, husband and other children as I had nothing left for anyone else. She has now been through treatment twice. The first time, drank the same day she got out. This time seems to be different. Its different she says because this time she was ready to change. Time will tell. I am slowly recovering myself. It has been a long climb back up for me. It is such a relief to be able to go a day and not be consumed by worry and intrusive thoughts about her welfare. During the active phase there was no reasoning with her. I talked and talked and talked to her till I was blue in the face. Provided information, rides, contracts, lectures, threats, begging, again and again to no avail. She was also very young, the same age as your daughter when this all started to get really ugly. Things are far from perfect today, but so much better then they were. I have had to let go of a lot of my expectations and allow her to evolve. It is very painful when it is your child. There is hope though and it can get better. I don't know what the future holds for her or I but I am determined to hold onto my sanity and do what I need to do no matter what she does or does not do. I to will always love my child no matter what. One of the best ways for me to demonstrate my love for her is to maintain my own wellness and strength so that I am available to support her in a healthy way. Take care.
" I can't believe I thought my kids would escape the hell of addiction when every single person in our family is either an alcoholic or drug addict or both."
Yes Stangeworld, that was me too. Shouldn't I have known better? When it is your child, it's almost impossible. Then life becomes unmanageable and that's what brings us to Al-Anon. My denial was huge. My AD was also on Prozac and it also did little because of the amount of alcohol/illegal drug depressants she continued to pour into herself. I struggled to maintain boundaries and remind myself that this was her journey to have and that she'll only be ready when she's sick and tired. Blessedly, that came in the form of facing felony charges. She's now sober 8 months and attending meetings.
" I just feel like I need something to comfort me. Sometimes when I lay down to go to sleep I picture a huge angel wrapping me up in his arms. Then I pray for my family and my daughter. I feel so utterly alone and in pain - because I know she is in pain.
Your prayers are a great start and I love your huge angel "guardian". I recently heard a member share that when she was in a hot shower she imagined that the hot water was God's love raining down on her. Loved that! You do need something to comfort you and I have found no better comfort than those that understand and don't judge, both here and at my F2F meetings. They are such a resource. I often well up at meetings too, as recently as last night! However this is so much better than what I was doing which was holding it all in. That is what made me sick and feel insane.
Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. It really helps me. I'm do sorry that you are also dealing with this but it sounds like there is hope. So thanks for that. I know there is hope actually becsuse I sm sober. I msde a chice at 31 years old to say goodbye to my crutch that was killing me. But am struggling to find anything positive these days and I only envision years of darkness ahead. Part of that is my depression which seems to come and go but part of it is living with such uncertainty. I know it's supposed to be one day at a time. I have gone to another F2F meeting but I still didn't share. I just get tongue tied easily. I am grieving the milestones I expected my beautiful, brilliant daughter would be taking part in like prom and graduation....college applications....even getting her first job and driving which I thought she woukd do at 16. It's so convoluted. She blames us for not letting her get her license but when she smells like booze every time you are around her all bets are off. I feel so sad for her. She doesn't even eat. ...tells me I'm starving her because I cut off lunch money when I found out she was drinking. She is a master manipulator as addicts are but I still see the girl I want to see. Unfortunately she is not there right now though. Everything is so wrong and disconnected. I am going to sign off and read from the most wise writings I have ever read...One Day at a Time... God bless every one of you...us...our children and everyone else who is afflicted. This is truly a painful journey. Thank God that we have the ability to love...otherwise this would never work.
