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Hi all, haven't been on here in awhile, been so busy working and just dealing with life.
Anyway, my AH has been working a recovery program (AA) for almost a year. He's been doing great--we've been doing great. Almost too good to be true. Well it was. Just found out that he's been smoking pot. I know I'm not in charge of his recovery and I can't control what he does, but it was a huge disappointment to me. Here everyone is patting him on the back for how good he's doing with his sobriety but it seems like a big lie to me. I realize pot is not the most dangerous substance and it's legal in some places but it's still a mind-altering substance. And from what I read, AA encourages total abstinence from all mind-altering substances. He told me he only did it a couple times during periods of stress and anxiety. My concern is this will lead to relapse. I need to know how to let this go. My hopes and dreams were just dashed in an instant. We are in the middle of buying a house and I fear I may be living in it alone just me and the kids if he goes back to drinking. I can't live that lifestyle again. Thanks for any ESH you may have!! xoxo
(((Roseanne))) - good to see you - glad that you are back.....sorry for the reason.
You are correct that the program suggests total abstinence from any mind-altering substance. I will suggest that he's not the first person I've known who has used marijuana as an alternative to other substances. As far as will it lead to something else? Nobody knows....
My son is currently using the marijuana maintenance program. How I was able to let it go was to look at the facts - he is in a better place than when he was strung out on H. He's in a better place than when he was strung out on Sub (the prescribed solution for H). He's in a better place than when he tried alcohol as a solution. He's in a better place than when he was using Xanax, Valium, Hydros, etc.
So - while I would prefer he choose abstinence completely, he is is a much better place than before. If I only expect progress from myself, how can I expect more from him? God does not have grandchildren, so I pray for him each day and to God to guide him based on his will. I would truly like to see him doing different and being different, but I can accept that where he is today is better than where he was a year/2/3/4 ago.
I try to remind myself as often as possible what is good in my life vs. what is frightening or unknown. Positive thoughts to you and yours and (((hugs)))...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere! I have to say yes, he's definitely in a better place than before. The marijuana (so far) does not make him unable to function like the alcohol did. My son also smokes to ease anxiety because he is so against other prescription drugs. When I asked my son's psychiatrist point blank does this really relieve anxiety and she said yes it does but in NJ it is not legal for psychiatric issues yet. I'm trying not to flip out over this. As always, I appreciate your ESH.
Roseanne - it's not legal here either.....and my son does have depression and anxiety so - I feel ya! I can say that when I first found out here, I too was very alarmed....I had to say, "I just don't know how I feel about this - but know I am bothered because it's illegal." Because it's my son, I did go back and tell him that it was his life and he was free to make his own choices and that I was proud of him and where he was, but I did set a boundary that if he got arrested, he'd be on his own - my favorite line is YOYO - You're On Your Own...
Breathe, breathe, breathe - head back to Step 1 for a moment and just process....that's what I had to do!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry, how stressful. It doesn't matter, in my view, whether or not pot is legal - after all, alcohol is legal. I know many addicts switch substances but it's the same old addiction. But the real test is how he's behaving - whether he's facing up to life and his responsibilities and being on top of things. If so, then that's well and good. If not, time will tell. "More will be revealed." I know it's stressful not to know what the future holds. Take care of yourself.
From a perspective of an unmarried person.... My exBF was smoking pot more than I thought. I broke up with him because of it, because to me it was another substance he seemed to be addicted to. Now - had we been married, I would not have been so able to just 'leave' or 'breakup'. I was marred to an A for 20 years and was 'stuck' there for that long until I found the Courage to Change. But *now* I have the power of choice - what are my limits, what will I tolerate and how can I keep myself from landing in a relationship where fighting addiction of one form or other is a daily battle for everyone, not just the addict? The solution for me, NOW- as a single woman, is to work my program daily and by the grace of God, I will be able to steer clear of this. I know there are no guarantees either, but Step 1 is always there for me.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Thank you Cyndi! I agree that it is just another substance. Come to find out-- today he has been asking my sister for Percocets so there ya go! It definitely is a daily battle for us. I'm exhausted. Right now I'm drinking my "Calming" tea to try to calm down
