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I have been with my alcoholic SO for 13 years; living together for the past 5. Our friends and family "get" him and know how he gets when he drinks too much. Although it is embarrassing and distressing, no one is surprised by his behavior. The problem I have is when my brother comes to visit from out of town. He comes in twice a year to visit with our elderly mother and stays with us. There have been a couple of times when my SO has become belligerent or loud or teary and I could see my brother processing this all. Very early in our relationship my brother commented that he didn't see me with him at all. Now mind you, my brother has lived out of town since he was 18 and we are in our fifties.....so as someone said to me....."how well does your brother really know you anyway?" Last year my brother and I went to lunch together and he said he would only mention it once, but he noticed that while my SO wasn't necessarily "drunk" all the time, he couldn't help but notice how much he consumed. I didn't defend him too much.....but I felt ashamed that I have chosen to be with someone who obviously people are surprised I am with. MY SO had stopped drinking after surgery......but that was months ago and he is quickly heading back to his normal amount of consumption. My brother is due back this summer and although I know not to project.....I can't help but dread the 2-3 day interactions. Any words of wisdom on how to handle this?
Aloha El I don't either seems like a victim trying to sell more insanity. Embarrassment? only one of the good suggestions that helps me thru the possibility or the invitation to being embarrassment is the QTIP anagram. Quit Taking It Personal. Course this takes work and also requires that I learn and practice detachment; What's hers is hers and not mine. One of the thought forces I have in part says...I am her husband not her owner or creator. Practiced often enough I came to allow my alcoholic/addict wives full ownership of their stuff. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Sorry about that El, that was clearly a spammer and they're blocked from the site now. It happens from time to time, not too regularly, fortunately.
I developed a simple repeat response to friends and family that tried to discuss my partner's drinking/behaviour with me- "You can talk to him about it if you like but I am not interested in discussing his behaviour". Or, to people I was close to I added that I am trying to concentrate on my own well-being and happiness and it is counter productive for me to discuss his problems/behaviour, sorry".
I found that people who care about me will accept that. It's not fair on yourself to take on the role of 'explainer" for your husband; he can do that himself if he chooses!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I understand those feeling too, I dreaded family time when my A was drinking, I felt on edge for sure and what would I say! I love what was said above, yes today I know I am not the reflection of my A, I also know that I am not married to my family and do not need to explain, justify etc to them. But I do like to keep in the back of my mind that if others say something to me I can, if I wish let them know about me. I remember one time one of my sisters said something similar to me... I told her that I appreciated her concern, I was fully aware of the surroundings and am taking measures to help me thru. I told her I pray for gods will and guidance everyday for myself and my family and have people in my life to help me through.
From this she didnt pry anymore, she felt heard that she was concerned, I felt heard on what I was comfortable sharing, I didnt accuse, shame, justify my A etc. I just stated what I needed too and she and I went on with our day... if you find it is something they wont let go of maybe try deflecting the convo to something else... just a suggestion :)
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Thank you so much. I think I can take away from everyone's thoughts to create my own unique response. I am trying not to be resentful that I even need to worry about it. It is what it is. Thanks again!
I quit worrying about what people thought about me a long time ago. I used to be really self conscious and then one day, I just decided, I don't care. If people know me, we'll laugh about embarrassing moments. If they don't, why should their opinions matter?
oh this is why I isolated myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed and I somehow equated his drinking and inevitable irratic and intolerable behaviour with myself. I blamed myself because I thought if I was a better ... cook, cleaner, Mother, lover etc he would not be the way he was. He would stop drinking and behave the way I wanted him too if I was some how good enough.
Thank God I learned to let that go. I learned that his behaviour and actions and drinking or not was not any reflection on me or any way associated with my worth or my success or failure. Whew what a relief that was when I completely believed this with my whole heart. I got freedom from this. Learning I was a seperate person and so was he and we both had seperate choices and I had no control over him or him over me. Seems unbelievable.
Alcoholism is very hard if not impossible to hide. We are very good at hiding it from ourselves, well the full truth of it but others, sane, reasonable people can see as clearly as the nose on your face. So, your family most likely know way more than you ever imagined and thats okay. The truths the truths the truth. Anything else, the hiding, the pretence is lying.
And ... sometimes someone else's reaction can be a reminder that we might have lost perspective. When someone reacts, "You shouldn't have to live like this!" - maybe they have a point. Maybe we're not doing ourselves justice. Just a thought.
One day my father saw how my hubby drank in the early AM and and made a simple observation he stated that:" there is something wrong with someone who drinks like that " I knew this was true deep down but having him verbalize it helped me to come out of denial and not feel responsible since I had no control over him .
While I'm working on accepting that I don't have any control over him.... I also struggle with the obvious judgement from others. I know I need to just keep working on me and moving forward no matter what anyone thinks. Just looking for a short, sweet statement that acknowledges the person's concern and then implies: case closed. All without being rude about it. I appreciate everyone's comments here to help formulate my thoughts.
