The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote down all my fears about my abf drinking today and it was 2 pages of dread. I fear this..that would happen if the drinking does not stop. I am fearing for him, and not myself. He does not care about the fears I project. He just lives in the moment and drinks. Yet, here I am fearing this or that outcome for him. If he really cared, he would do something for himself,yet I am fearing for is future and mine since we live together. He does not care and I do. I see that the fears I have are keeping me miserable. I am the one going crazy with fears and acting insane with fear. What is the worse possible outcome is what I keep thinking..loose everything, house, vehicle, jobs, the comforts of home. If that should happen, who cares, then it would mean starting over fresh and that would not be a bad thing. So what I must do is just let go, let the mess fall and just see what happens. My controlling it or trying to stop the fall is not making me happy! Who cares if the house is sold to foreclosure, who cares if he looses work, who cares..who cares...I need to let things just happen rather than worry and make myself angry when things do no go my way. He has been drinking heavy for the past 5 years and yes he lost his license, his vehicle, his ex-wife, but he managed to get things under control. He has not managed to pay his bills. So what am I worrying about..why am I in fear mode all the time. If the worse should happen, I can start over competently new without the burden of a house, yard, bills...I will be free. I believe I am fearful of being free and happy. I believe I do not deserve that and I must work, be in control, work my ass off, be vigilant because there will be no-one there to help me. My thinking is twisted. If the ABF does not care, why should I..I need to also have an attitude of who cares. I am so tired of trying to be constantly in control and thinking of the worse and living in dread. I deserve to be happy and just say the heck with it all and just be happy...not worry. Let things happen as it should and not try and make things happen. I have to think freedom, not control. Its a process. Just some things I am processing now. Any feedback would be good.
Today the ABF is sober. How long will the sobriety last...expect by the end of the day, the drinking and madness will start again! I have to just focus on my reaction and think positive for today only!
I agree with freetime. This is a great post and I believe is what alanon is all about. You have grown and your awareness of the reality is growing. Good for you. Keep coming back.x
Keep working it joker - I can see huge growth in your processing....so glad to see you working it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
