The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a 22 year old lady from the united kingdom and am very new to the programme / alanon, i have only been to 2 meetings. My mum is a recovering alcoholic of 10 years but it has left me completely destroyed and riddled with depression and anxiety which is completely ruining my relationship with my partner. I am so insecure and worry about everything with him, i take everything he does as rejection (which i know is related to my mum) and i feel lost and hopeless. we are at the point now that it is ruining him as a person also, we are arguing loads and i dont want to loose him. I see things he does as rejecting me, i then get all anxious and angry and take it out on him and it turns into an arguement. After my anxiety attack i can then see it was completely irrational and silly, like for instance him going to the gym i see as him not wanting to be around me when actually he is just going to the gym!!! i am very co dependant and am at the point now where im desperate for help, i cant deal with this any longer i want to change, mine and my boyfriends relationship is perfect but the arguing is getting to much :( i feel crazy and im loosing my mind, im sabotaging myself. I really would appreciate if i can connect and talk to someone i can identify with :(
From one Brit to another, welcome to MIP - this is a wonderful place where I have re-learnt what I need to be happy.
My qualifier is my husband, but even though I was only subjected to alcoholism as an adult I am aware of how much the disease undermined my self-esteem and self-worth. Growing up with the disease around you must be tremendously difficult and I really admire your self-awareness and your desire to learn and make positive changes in your life. That really is so wonderful. I have heard Alanon folks say 'I didn't know what I didn't know' and I think that is a very forgiving and liberating phrase!
People told me to look after myself - I had no idea what the meant so I started by painting my nails! When I was your age I always had my nails painted and it felt good to gift myself with that time again. I also signed up for some courses in things that I enjoy doing. One was creative writing and another helped me to start painting again.
One of the gifts of discovering information about codependency is that I learnt that my recovery involved doing things for my own fun and enjoyment - who knew??!! It turned out that these fun things helped me to take my mind off my thoughts and suppositions about the behaviour of other people.
I wish that I could wave a wand and have you believe that you are a worthwhile, loveable and probably very caring person and that of course people want to be with you. But I can't do that. What I can say is that I did not believe these things about myself for many years and now I do. I was the one who had to tell my mind to stop self-sabotaging and to start trusting myself. It can be done and it is not a bad journey at all! Life really does get better and better as we let those worries go!
Welcome to MIP ChangeJones. Living with the disease of alcoholism is devastating and we do carry the negative emotions with us, in all our interactions until we seek a program of recovery. Alanon is that program.
As Milkwood has so powerfully illustrated, it is here that we can break the isolation caused by living with the disease and learn to stop hurting ourselves because we develop new tools to live by. We also can connect with a supportive group help us as we practice.
There is hope and help So please search out the meetings and keep coming back here as well--- You are not alone
Thank you so much for your kind words to both of you! it really means alot! it is so nice to be able re relate and identify! Its almost as if the alcoholic illness of our loved ones makes us sicker than them sometimes :( i am so so grateful for your replies, this is a wonderful idea to connect between meetings. I really am beating myself up about how i love my boyfriend so much but i just cannot get rid of feeling rejected, insecure, angry etc etc and i feel for him so much. I know im in the right place to make my first steps into recovery x
Welcome Changejones! Glad to have you here with us. Awareness is the first part of any change. It's great that you have that awareness at such a young age. It takes some of us much longer. Another plus is you accept that it's YOU and not him. That's huge! You're taken action to change, another plus. Keep being honest with yourself and others. You will be transformed here and you'll learn to love yourself. What a gift. Put down the bat, that's only your EGO feeling the effects of change and it doesn't like it. We have very large EGO's that need to be deflated.
I too send a warm welcome to you changejones - glad you found us @ MIP and glad you shared. I also took way too many things personally before I began recovery in Al-Anon, and the program has given me the tools to focus on me, work on me, see things more clearly and QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally....it's been a hard path at times as my habits of acting and reacting were entrenched in my being, but it's been so worth it.
This is a great place to practice self-care. I love what Milkwood said - painting your nails is a great gift of self-care. When I arrived, I was so busy looking after others that I had no idea what self-care meant. It's as simple as taking a walk, working out, reading a book, painting our nails, bubble bath, etc. Things I felt I didn't have time for - I flipped it a bit and made me a priority.
Keep going to your meetings with an open mind and keep reading here - and see if you can focus on just one day or one moment at a time. When I can chunk down my life into days or moments in days, I can see that truly all is well with my world!
Glad you are here - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Changejones welcome...your share is very familial and usual as it is most often heard coming out of the experiences with alcoholism. Even the introduction to our face to face meetings mentions that "we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic and we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. Give yourself space and margin and find face to face meetings you can come to and listen and learn. The disease and pain are temporary when we attend to ourselves in program. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Put down the bat, that's only your EGO feeling the effects of change and it doesn't like it. We have very large EGO's that need to be deflated. 